A
male
age
36-40,
*eallyneedshelp
writes:ok, worst situation ever. the type that makes a man not feel like a man. ill try to keep this extra short..this all started 2 and a half years ago. at the time i had been with my girlfriend for seven years. we fought all the time. arguing. screaming. almost each and every night. this went on for several months preceding a "break" that we took in which case she met another man and became "interested" in him over a summer. A few months after she met him, i landed a new job, met a girl and for quite a while it was nothing but a friendship. Honest, and quite frankly, harmless. No feelings or emotions past work where ever indicated or even thought of from me or this girl. After some time, after my girlfriend and I had gotten over her "out of the blue crush" and at what i would say was the height of our arguing, me and this other girl started getting closer, and one night, we kissed.I had an affair with this women for several months without either her or my GF knowing about it. Then one day, i collapsed (i had never cheated before this, im actually not that type of guy, or at least i thought my heart was purer then that) and i ratted myself out and told my GF everything. i dont know why, but i did. For a few months everything was in limbo.. crazy.The other girl had never found out, but i broke it off with her for quite some time, completely cut contact and never told her the real reason, some people may think this wrong and dishonest, but i seen no sense in destroying another girls life for no reason when i was convinced i was in some way reconciling by cutting all ties and coming clean with my GF.long story short, i recently began talking to the other girl again. i told her everything and came clean. i am still genuinely in love with this woman.... but the plot thickens..i plan on moving to another country, or at least i am very sure i want to do this.. my GF has no desire to move bc it happens to be the country this other girl is from, so for obvious reasons, she is very upset about this... but is willing to do so for me.. this other girl has no problem moving and in fact looks forward to doing so... im in a very big delema..i've been with my GF now, for 9 years. weve had our ups and downs, much of it has been spent in arguing, but i can say 100% without a doubt we love each other, and would do anything for each other. but the romance has gone to nothing. sex is routine and boring. we argue all the time. shes controlling and im unwilling to fight anymore. it hurts me because i want to hold her and cuddle, but i dont. and i dont know why.. we barely kiss. we have two completely different mind sets anymore. trust is obviously a huge issue, and vice versa with my absence of privacy now.. not to mention this girl has been with me since she was 14. on the other hand, i feel what i dont feel when im with this other girl. i feel IN love again, and after everything i have put her through to keep this little affair going and secret, i KNOW she loves me and is just as much IN love with me. i can as well say with honestly i love her. we both want the same thing as far as moving goes, to the same country. I have come clean and she is willing to forgive me and work on anything im willing to..but i dont know... here's the thing, i worry if i drag my GF with me, shes only end up leaving and going back home, ending up with us broken up, and me ruining a potential relationship that i can very easily see growing into something very permanent. on the other hand, if i break up with her for the other girl... well, im scared S***less to be quite frank. but beyond that, is it right? wrong? am i a man for even thinking this? i'm so lost. i dont want to hurt anyone, or ruin anyones life. i know i messed up and im not looking to blame my short comings and betrayal or circumstance, but this is where im at, and where iv been for the past month. i want to do the right thing, and im not sure i know what to do anymore... im frozen.
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male
reader, Beautifulboy +, writes (30 October 2012):
hey reallyneedshelp, i believe being the fellow guy i am that has had an ex gf like you, not saying your a girl but u sound needy an confused like my ex was. but i think that the girl u were with for 9 years that u do love her as a person but if u ever were in love with her that that spark died out along time ago an now like auntyem said its just habit.. its a relashionship that u cannot live without bcuz ur way to needy an u dont want to be alone an it sounds like u dont know what u want!! now the other girl is just giving u a high and a RUSH of the excitement of a new fling or hearing sumbody tell u they love you since im guessing your gf dosent flatter u or tell u that she loves u much anymore.. you just love the feeling and that chemistry and you KNOW that you want to hear that stuff from ur gf over the other girl. if your gf acted that way towards u then u probably wouldnt be creeping around an more than likely if ur anything like my ex you would BLAME what your doing on your gf saying its her fault but that is NOT TRUE an thats a way to make the unstable cheater feel better through justification an denial. truth is you sound very needy an sounds like you really need to either be alone for a while an focus on yourself an ways u shouldnt be anymore ORRRR stay with your gf and realize that the bubbley flirty stuff dies down after YEARS with your partner an that is normal, and your not that ONE OUT OF A MILION CASE to where your the only guy in the world whos gf dosent tell him 100 times a day how attractive they are an how much they love him.. thats life and completely normal among relationships you can ask anyone.. let me see after years of being together JUST ONE person that gets home from work an constantly flatters the shit out of there gf/bf an tells them repeatedly that he she loves them all nite. it just dosent happen an you need to realize that if thats the only way you are satisfied, THEN YOUR WAY TOO NEEDY MENTALLY AN EMOTIONALLY an no girl will ever complete your unsatiable desires an u need to be alone before you keep hurting sumbody OORRRR you need to SNAP OUT of your fantasy world an realize that you live in the real world and love your beautiful gf as she deserves to be loved and let her love you or she will leave your ass an then you will have even more issues than u have now.. sorry bout being harsh bt i was thinking bout my ex when typing this sorry. just do whats right dude!!!
A
male
reader, reallyneedshelp +, writes (30 October 2012):
reallyneedshelp is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni appreciate the time you both have taken to ready my very long and descriptive situation; and although you are correct in assuming i most likely will not break up with both of them Em, i am greatfull that somebody has at least told me what i did not want to hear, non bias. Its lets me know that your 100% correct. I am indeed immature when it comes to matter of the heart, not to say however that i do not disagree when im told im not quite sure of what true love is, but ill say this much, maybe your right in assessing that it might not exist between me and either woman. And to this end, something is in dire need of change.i have been in one long term relationship after another, and have not for the past 12 years had a chance to really get a grip on my own heart. the sad truth however is in all likeness ill end up with this other girl. my feelings for her are THAT strong, and its taken me quite a while to realize what the hell i was doing.the co-dependency issue coupled with that fact that there is def a habitual type situation present is not something i can hide, or would be ashamed to admit, only bc it is a situation that only i have the power to change at the moment, or at least the only one of us who seeks positive change and outcome, and i feel like i must "be a man" and do whats right, if not for me, at least for the preservation of both woman.in truth iv been keeping my distance from both woman for a while now as my gut feeling had been telling me, more-less what you just have for quite a while.. my only concern however, and i say this with a great deal of caution and respect to everyone, until i met this girl, i have never in my life "felt" what i do when i am with her. i believe there is true love there, and i have quite literally been afraid of it... (theres alot more then meets the eyes here, but i dont like using the "whao was me" pitty excuse, ill just say that my past 2 relationships have failed bc (the "new woman" not included) have been addicts, i am not. i dont do drugs, i dont like them. this is my fault, i am aware. but it does not mean i was not in love with them at some point...all in all, your right about a lot. And i thank you. seriously. it was taken in and heart felt bc it was real and genuine and damn good advice. If things dont work with this girl or if i find myself even having the thought of going back to my ex, i will know i have to sever ties to both of them and MY problem at that point exists soully within myself... but for the time being i have never truly gone after this girl, gave her my full time or attention and certainly not the respect she deserves. And for the first time in life my HEAD and HEART are both telling me to get off my lazy ass, stop feeling sorry for myself, and go get this girl if i really love her.. i HAVE to try, this could very well be "the one"... all fairy tails aside, its taken me a long time to wake up and snap out of the fog so to speak, but i feel like if i dont give her, and my heart a true shot at this, it might not come around a second time. ill keep you posted.with great respect, thank you! to better, wiser! choices!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2012): You need to leave both these woman alone and find yourself.Clearly you do not love and respect either one of them or you would not have caused them so much pain. Take a break and find yourself.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 October 2012):
 You are a headless chicken who does not really know what true love really means and the responsibilities that go with it...I think you should OWN this.
Your 9 year relationship isn't love...its a HABIT. People who are IN LOVE DO NOT cheat, argue all the time, fight, think sex with eachother is boring. People in LOVE DO NOT manipulate eachother, hedge their bets and have no trust.
You have to face this because it is the very reason you are in this situation...HEADLESS CHICKEN who is still immature and in the process of learning what it takes to be a committed partner.
The other lady, you need to let go of her. She is not a rescue boat and someone to save you from yourself...shes a woman who has decided she loves you because when you initiated a relationship with her, it was built on a lie...YOU ALREADY HAD A LONG TERM GIRLFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!
OK so you came clean a while later but for her (as with all women) she had formed an attachment following sex with you and in her mind there was no turning back (since most women will put up with any amount of shit and bad behaviour when they think they are in love)
The reason you are in this mess is because you were in a very unhealthy relationship for a long time, you became co-dependant with a person who was not suited to you and you learned some really bad and misguided habits...
You transferred those habits onto the new lady (lies, indecision, claiming love when you don't love her...get the picture??)
and here you are a HEADLESS compassless chicken flailing about shouting 'Which one? which one? I need to choose, How can I have it all??'
Thing is... you cannot have it all, and what you do have don't amount to more than a bag of chips!!!
Bad behaviour
Bad relationships
Bad decisions
You keep telling yourself 'I don't want to hurt anyone' and you probably don't...but the fact is you are messing with this other woman, you got her hooked and you are thinking now you want your ex...WHAT AN IDIOT!!!!!
And LOVE?...Really you have no idea, you only think you do because on some level it satisfies some base need in you, but truly its nothing more than a HABIT (I wish I could underline that!!!)
How do you cure this...You grow up, be honest and let go both women and give yourself time to mature and understand more the complexities of unconditional love (because it's the only love worth anything)
I got a feeling you won't do this, you will mess the new woman around and slink back to your ex...because it's safe, because it's familiar...and most of all because it's a HABIT!!!
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