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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi there...I am 25, male, please help. (This may take a while, sorry its so long).Ive been going with a girl for well over a year now, we used to be best friends, and always have been.There was always chemistry between us, but she was with some one, I kept getting really strong feelings for her. At one point I had to break total contact, it was getting to awkward because I was also in a relationship. Nothing ever happened, except for one time, when she was on a break with her partner, she came round and we ended up on my bed after drinking, listening to music.At one point she turned around and looked as though was going to kiss me, I refused (with out saying anything, just sort of ignored it). Then time went by, she totally split up with him, got with someone else, and we kept in contact (this was before I broke contact).I had a really hard time with the girl I was with, we were both the same age, but something was'nt right.One night I contacted her (Partner now) online and started chatting. It ended up that her new boyfriend was there, so I left it at that, and did'nt bother getting in contact with her again.Some time later, my partner broke up with me (Long story cut short, we went out, I waited outside her house for her, she turned up with another bloke).I got over it dead quick. But didnt see anyone for ages after, let myself heal, and dated a couple of people.More time went on, and for some reason or another I put my friends email back in to my peer to peer, and hey presto, she popped up. She explained that she was coming back to visit her parents... Could we meet up like old times.Later that night, I was excited like you wouldnt believe, we met up, had a couple of drinks, one thing led to another, and we started to see each other.I really wanted her, she really wanted me, but, I didnt feel ready for a relationship. Time went by and eventually we got together.Before we started going out, I went to visit her, we went to a gig, she seemd a bit different, later that night she went off with her friends, I stayed with her sister and her sisters boy friend. she didnt come back, I was up all night, as she had made a promise that she would be back by my side before it got late.Later (after we started going out), I found out that she had actually slept with her ex-boyfriend, blaimed it in the drink, said she was too afraid to tell me, and that it shouldnt matter because we werent together anyway.She used to come around, spend hardly any time with me and just chatted online all the time. She used to talk to a lot of boys online, and I felt that it was unfair of her to do that on our time so to speak.We started to go out, but then I did something stupid.I hurt her. She hurt me.Because I was now commited, it was only a matter of time, I started to get suspicious. I checked her emails online messages, phone texts, anything that would point to 'un-fair play'. I know this was wrong, I should have dumped her if I didnt trust her, but I loved her, and still do, so I started down a slippery slope.I found a few things that I was'nt happy about, eg a message to some bloke, saying that she was moving back to where she lived before, and then they could have sex etc etc.I challenged her, she accused me of being dishonest and left. Later that week, more messages appeared, and again I challenged her.She kept on finding excuses to try and leave me, eg I recieved a text, and she took it the wrong way (ie, a friend made a comment about how I fancied a girl that I would have never found attarctive etc).We cleared all this up.Things were back on track, except, she would start putting me down, bringing up my ex's, start to argue (for no apparent reason about nothing in particular) bring up the fact I had looked at all her texts etc, attack me, I would pin her down to defend myself, and she would blaim me for 'locking her in the flat' etc.Recently, things have been different, to say it one way. Things have calmed down.BUT, she says that because I have hurt her, that she doesnt feel the same, says that she will carry on for a bit, to see if things better, but she is not going to dump me yet, because there is still a small amount of love left for me, and she wants to 'see what itll be like now'.Shes moving back again near summer next year to get ahead with her band. Promo or one thing or another.It feels as though she has manipulated me in one way or another, and all my rash actions, (although no excuse for it) were in instigation to feeling cheated on, and finding dodgy information). Again I know this isnt right. I have changed my ways.Her Ex keeps turning up, texting, expressing his undying love etc. She is a gorgous woman, and I have had a lot of problems accepting that blokes will 'try it on' from time to time.She ended up kissing a girl for a laugh last weekend when she went out. I wasnt there, but she told me this.She says the damage has been done, but wants to carry on for 'a bit', and can not guarentee anything. She keeps asking me what would happen if we broke up, would we still be friends, she 'always wants to be in my life'.Is she attention seeking? Does she get off on males 'flattering her' all the time? Is she going to dumo me? I love her with out any question, I have tried hard to be the best that I can, and solve all my wrongs, instigated or not, I have tried to be what she wants.Now she is saying that she wants to concentrate on our friendship, and for things to be the way they used to, ie her and her band, making music.My heart is in a mess. I feel sick to thinkk that she couldnt tell me she slept with her ex that night. I feel like things are slipping away, and all I can do is sit back and watch. She wants to have a laugh with me, but I am low, and sometimes cant.Is she wanting me to 'save her', or does she want me to dump her first so that she doesnt look like the bad one? It feels there is nothing I can do to grab her attention any more. When I am with her, she is either all over me, or completely cold. When we are around her parents/friends, she doesnt make any indication of love for me. We chat in private, I say something which she then uses in another way in front of her parents to make me look bad. She tells me one thing, and tells me people 'hate me for what I have done' then find out other wise. She brings up arguements and then leaves, I find out later that she is out with other guys.She tells me to trust her, I let things go. Its hard.Help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, S0Belle +, writes (31 December 2006):
I definitely would leave this girl. She has done everything to hurt you and doesn't seem to have any moral responsibility for relationships. she doesn't seem to know what she wants and is playing everyone againt the other. Move on with your life without her in it in any way. You deserve so much better. Good Luck and be happy. :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): oh my god...its all seems very complicated. There seems to be a lot of history between the 2 of you which your both suffering from. i've been in a similar situation where i was hanging on hoping things will get better. With a long complicated history things never do. My advice...move on, break contact with her, start a fresh, and be happy like you deserve...it will also help her too.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2006): Run as fast as you can away from this girl. The longer you stay with her, the more it will hurt if/when she dumps you. Been there, done that and it is no fun!!
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A
female
reader, Hag +, writes (27 December 2006):
This woman is abusing you, bottom line. Runnnnn...... get focused 24/7 on anything but her. I am the last to preach this but i am also all too familiar with it. Wether she loves you or not, she will never stop abusing you. Do you want to spend the rest of your life in this kind of purgatory?
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