A
male
age
36-40,
*rOveranalysing
writes:There is this girl on my course who always seems to undermine me, no matter what I do. At first I thought maybe she was just irreverent with everybody but now I feel convinced that everytime we have a friendly conversation she picks at what I say, whether its a detail I've got wrong, or something she disagrees with. She seems to subconsciously disagree with everything I do/say. To illustrate my point, I made a comment to her and other friends about a story I'd read in the paper, she vehemently disagreed with me. Then later on, by pure chance another friend said a very similar comment and she enthusiastically agreed. In other instances, I'll bring up a topic of light hearted conversation let's say for instance 'I heard the new James Bond soundtrack will be sung by so and so' and she'll say 'no, it's not its sung by so and so', even when I'm 100% certain I'm right, she'll still argue blindly like her word were the gospel. I'm not implying she's aware of what she's doing but I see how she acts with other people and it's almost like she's keen to agree with other people, yet with me it doesn't seem to matter. Even when I tell jokes it seems like she can't tell they are jokes, or she doesn't think its funny enough to laugh, but with other people she does laugh atleast politely. I have many other friends, but in this situation, how is it best to deal with someone who seems to just clash with you all the time (whether deliberately or not). I guess in life we are always going to meet people who are too different or indifferent to us. It's annoying and even more so when other people are unable to see it because she acts differently with them and eager to please them. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (6 August 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. What's the most bothering about people like this is that it makes you paranoid you're doing something subconsciously which is universally unlikeable. But if you live you life according to what other think/want- you will always be manipulated and never be happy- whether they think your voice booms too much, or your too sensitive, too confident or just plain weird. You can never please everyone.
I guess competitive is the best way I'd describe her towards me, but she has a mean streak. I guess I'm a bit dumb-founded as to why she feels the need to designate me a rival - seeing as I'm a boy and I'm not in the least an alpha-male or competitive, maybe thats why she deems me an easy target. But i dont think approaching her will be fruitful because its highly unlikely at this stage a friendship will blossom. And at the end of the day, she can always deny it or genuinely not realise she's doing it, I can't prove it either way, and if I sit my friends down and give examples it will seem childish and petty. Better just to leave it to burn out.
Moreover, I've been in situations whereby I've done the civil confrontation thing - and its only really worth it when there is/was a friendship to salvage. In this case I only see her at course socials and so I will be pleasant but not initiate conversations with her.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Good point, anonymous! It may indeed be a bad idea to touch her. I'd just do the cut out body move and ignore her as best I could. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): While Tisha-1 has some good ideas, in this case it may not be so wise to lay a finger on this woman. She could twist around or do something unpredictable, and get you in trouble. It sounds like these techniques might work better in same-sex interactions. It sounds like you have the right idea, in just enduring until the end of the time that you have to associate with her. There are a thousand possible reasons why she has taken against you, and they probably aren't your fault. Maybe you remind her of an ex-boyfriend or her father or somebody she had an issue with in the past. I know a couple of women who although they're usually fine, have insecurities which cause them to judge other people. One seems to have trouble relating to guys with confident ways and big booming voices; the other doesn't like other women who are very pretty. Kind of dumb, but what can you do... If nothing like this has ever happened to you before, just don't worry about it as it's probably nothing to do with what you're doing. If you talk about it with your other friends in the class, you can let them know that you are puzzled and confused by this treatment. That way they won't blame you for the conflict.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2008): Hi
I think you have some rivalry going on here, ego battle, jealousy etc, and you are on the receiving end. I am not going to make excuses for her, if she did not want to hurt or offend you she would not do so , its as simple as that, unless the girl is completely thick and does not know what she is doing, so can be excused. I have met someone like this and i made excuse after excuse for there behaviour, until i found out it was all deliberate. The REASON behind WHY she is doing this is another matter which you may have to confront her about. and no she won't laugh at any of your jokes because she does not want to and is making a point not to. She is having a one sided battle with you and for some reason you are the enemy . Been nice to her won't get you very far, tell her you don't know why she is doing this,and you have your own private opinions on why, and you are not going to waste your time with her in a battle. guaranteed she will bust a gut trying to find out what you'r opinion is about her. If you can become freinds
do not get roped into her ego game.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 August 2008):
O Connor has a good strategy if you feel you can speak with her about this. She may not be aware she's being so contrary with you.
You could try heading her off at the pass. Before you make a comment, say, "I know Diane will find fault with this, but ....." or "At the risk of having Diane disagree with me yet again, ....." If you say it nicely, but say it every time, she may catch on, and your friends may notice it too.
There are some body language things you can try too. Grasping a woman's upper arm (stay away from the breasts!) right as you begin talking will put you in a dominant position. The trick is to make it look natural. If you can make the grip the end of an expressive arm wave, it might work. It may flummox her enough to distract her, and miss her chance to comment on whatever you will say.
Another thing to do, if you are all seated, is to stand up yourself and stand behind her. This is also a dominant position and puts her in a subordinate position. I used to use this trick when I was doing training in my job. If there was a troublemaker in the group, I would stand up and circle behind her, then if I asked a question I did NOT want her to respond to, I would gently lay my hands on both shoulders and say something like, "well, Frances, let's let someone else answer this one." Sometimes, if you call the group's attention to a "problem child," that person will be so embarassed by the attention that she'll shut up for a while.
The other subtle thing to do is to exclude her from the group using your body language. Angle your hips and torso away from her, and pop your elbow out in front of her. This pushes her outside the circle and will make her look intrusive if she comments on anything you say. You can then look over your shoulder dismissively at her, turn back to the group and then simply ignore what she's said entirely.
I don't know if these will work for you, as they are a bit tricky to do without seeming obvious. I'd give O Connor's advice a try first, if you can manage. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, MrOveranalysing +, writes (5 August 2008):
MrOveranalysing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, good advice O Conner. When I make it clear she's picking on me a bit, another guy from the course intervened and also started picking at how rude it was of me to tell her that 'she had no idea' about something. Believe me I can say a lot worse than that. So if I was to say anything remotely brusque or dismissive, it is me who appears as the loser or the weak one for not argueing my case. I guess I'm not going to bother anymore, the likelihood of seeing again her is unlikely now cos we've almost graduated and I don't intend to stay in touch. I just wanted your advice for future reference. It's just very hard to know, when something is pure paranoia or someone actually has a problem with you, I guess it's that relativity and difference of opinion that makes the world interesting.
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A
female
reader, O Connor  +, writes (5 August 2008):
 its true that we are never going to get along with everyone we meet, and we all clash with ppl at times. but she seems to be going out of her way to clash with you. why not ask her can you talk to her alone and just ask her if you have done something to hurt her? and ask her that you have noticed these things and you would like to try and be friends. it could be down to jealousy, attraction, or insecurity. i dont think that she is being deliberately spiteful to you and i think that there may be a reason for it. the best way is to confront her about it...in a nice way of course! just ask her why she is like this with you and tell her that you would like to put it behind you both and try to get along .
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (5 August 2008):
 Just tell her to put a sock in it!!!
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