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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, My boyfriend is a good man and I love him very much but he isn't one for affection until it comes to his dog (female). I am not exagerating when I write that he constantly kisses her, smells her, while letting out a mmmmmmmmm, and saying "delicious", he snuggles up to her in bed, says very affectionate things to her and talks about her constantly. He says I am jealous and gets very angry with me when I ask for affection and attention and that I better learn to deal with it "or else". I can't get another dog, because he says that will make his unhappy and jealous because she needs all the attention.Hope someone has some advice, because I am starting to feel a little crazy.btw...I don't take it out on the dog, she is a very sweet dog and I love her.Thanks in advance,feeling unloved
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female
reader, Helen05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
A dog never lets you down, never argues with you and needs minimal attention. She's fiercley loyal and dosent want to talk about feelings. Of course your boyfriend is close to her! You need to accept the dog as you would a friend or a child. Learn to love them and accept them as part of your partner's life. The relationship you two will have will be completely different, just let it grow and try not to resent the dog!
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (8 August 2005):
I take it the dog was his companion before he met you?
If so then she was (and proabably still is) like a child to him. Also, because she is a dog, he know she will always love him no matter what. Tell him you feel a bit neglected and youd rather the dog didnt come into the bed at night. She could sleep at the foot of the bed or in a basket in the bedroom. Go out together with the dog for walks etc so you can spend time together.
Tell him again that you are going to get another dog (as long as you think the current dog would take to it) to keep it company.
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (8 August 2005):
 You're not crazy. You're just competing for his attentions.
I know this situation probably strikes you as a bit odd, maybe even whiffs a little of creepy unnaturalness, but if you put aside for a moment that the "third party" in your relationship is a dog, it's less difficult to answer.
Impagine that his dog is, instead, a lovely HUMAN, a wonderful female friend that he's had for a number of years. When you met him, the friend and he already had a long history of deep and demonstrative affection. Then you and your boyfriend met, and presumably fell in love with each other. That doesn't affect the demonstrative friend, whom your boyfriend still loves, albeit in a different way.
He's already told you that he's not going to change the way he behaves with his "friend", and since you're the New Kid on the block, you don't have any leverage to force the issue, except an ultimatum: "That dog goes, or I do!" (or words to that effect). That's fine, unless he offers to help you pack, right?
So, recapping. He loves the dog, you love the dog. The dog loves him (and is probably pretty fond of you too). He won't change his behaviour, and you can't make him change it without risking everything - and even if your ultimatum works, he'd resent that you forced him to do something he didn't want to do.
My suggestion then, is to accept that his slightly-unusual-though-sincere affection for his dog is part of The Deal; you either accept the terms of The Deal, or you walk away. If you try to stick it out, eventually you're going to learn to hate the dog, since you see your boyfriend's love for her as above his love for you.
Try to work within the known framework with him about the way he interacts with the dog. Maybe he'd be willing not to make her the focus of every conversation when he's with you. It's a mild enough compromise... Still, you have to decide what you can tolerate.
Hope this is some help.
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