| A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How can a woman stay off relationships forever? I'm considering that route. I'm really young at 21 to make such a decision, but I don't know. I'm attracted to men, both sexually and romantically. No attraction to women whatsoever. But there are things about men that I just can't accept (like porn, checking out other women, fantasizing about others, wanting threesomes, etc.). I know these are problems within myself, they have to do with my self. I don't have low self esteem, however I objectively know I'm not very attractive (plus people have told me). And I just can't accept these things. It even makes me angry when I see my dad checking out other women, while mom is happily waiting for him at home. I know normal women accept these things even if they don't like them, but I can't. I've tried, but I just can't.So I want to stay single forever. I'll be a spinster. I will dedicate myself to work, friendships and family, and probably adopt one or two kids. But how do I deal with those times I'll need affection? How do I deal with wanting someone to tell me they love me, holding me, wanting me sexually? How do I deal with wanting all that emotional aspect? Sure I'll have other loved ones and friends, but it's not THAT type of affection that I'll need fulfilled.I just can't deal with the things mentioned before. It's mainly because of my sexual ego. I'm not all too attractive (it's not a weight issue), and I just can't deal with those feelings like I have to compete with other attractive women or knowing that a partner is also sexually attracted to women I'll never look like. I'm 21, things will only get worse physically. This is supposedly the time I'll look my best. And every day, porn and the like are more conviniently accessed to, and there are better looking performers, better technologies which make it look more real, and I even think they're adding 3D technology. I can't deal with all that,I simply can't, so instead of burdening a man with my issues I choose to be alone. It's not easy, though. How can I deal with the longing for affection and a relationship?
View related questions:
porn, self esteem, threesome Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (6 March 2010):
 Counselling!!!!!! Wow, so you think she's got something faulty with her thinking process... Personally, I didn't think she had such serious issues, that needed professional help. I believe what she is feeling is a common reaction, and as she is young, she'll eventually change her mind and start accepting men and wanting to date again..
So you think she needs her head straightened out. I thought we was being nice by agreeing that at the moment she's probably right not to start dating.. But as a kind person, I'm sure your probably right, and us unkind people are wrong.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): People will soon be scared to ask questions on here."Is anyone going to tease me?Is anyone going to bully me?"Soon the questions from the particular poster would stop. OP I think you are deeply hurt.You need compassion not censure.Please find a nice counselor who treats you right.Sorry that's all I can come up with.But you definitely need help from a kind person.Best Regards.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2010): its a day that ends in Y...hence the porn question.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Nope Wednesday is the day for pube questions.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2010):
Must be Wednesday
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 March 2010):
Nicely said you two.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2010):
Exactly Q.... "She is unhappy with her self and it much more convenient to project this outwardly onto something she will never change and never control."
But she's an adult, she says she CAN'T change, she is not happy with the way other people are, and has given up on the millions of men that live in the world. We have to take her at her word, this is what she wants, we have to help her to be happy and accept the choices she makes. Projecting and hating other things and people will mean that she can be safe in her convictions. She didn't want to know how to find a way to find love, she asked for help in destroying her natural desires and removing herself from the world.... We only try to help...
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (5 March 2010):
 Get two or three jobs or do more social work to keep yourself busy and you will not have the time to sit and think about affections or watch romantic flicks.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 March 2010):
I also suggest you stop watching romantic movies and reading romance or chick-lit books. First they give you an image of romantic relationships that are hard to achieve. They deal in fantasy and fairytale, and very seldom show the reality of relationships and the necessary compromises that need to be made.
Since you've given up on romance and relationships, romantic movies will just make you wish for things that you have sworn you don't want and will make you feel sad.
When you get lonely, just remind yourself of why you've decide to be alone and why the hatred of pornography is the most important thing in your life.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
That's my point, you will just have to live with those occasions when you feel the need to be held and cuddled in order to keep yourself partner-free. Grin and bear it so to speak.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): No, I don't want to have a partner. I want to know how to deal with that wanting for affection. Say one night I'm at bed watching a romantic flick and suddenly I miss being held in someones arms and being told I'm loved. How do I end those feelings, how can I stop missing that? That's all I want to know. It's not that I want it both ways. It's like when people ask how to supress sexual desires well this is the same except I want to know how to supress romantic desires.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
It's because you are asking for a solution to an impossible situation that you aren't getting the responses you are looking for. You want a partner's affection but you don't want a partner. You can't have it both ways. Pehaps in the furture they will have some kind of "virtual partner" but for now you are SOL on your plan.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I'm the original poster:While I appreciate the help, you don't understand how I feel. A convent? Come on! Plus, I know that while men can find other women attractive they come home to the one they love, but even knowing that, I can't deal with it. Sorry, it's just how I am, I realized I can't do it. It's not an excuse to avoid intimacy, and I've tried, I already tweeze my eyebrows, I already work out, wear make up, etc., but that doesn't help.I realized I'm not compatible with men's desires, and I don't think that has to do with lack of self esteem. I just want to know how to deal with the longing for affection. I don't want to enter a convent, so I don't care what a nun would say. I want to know how to deal with the longing for affection, what to do about it, not that a nun would tell me I'm not ready to join the convent. And it's not that I don't want the hard work of a relationship either, I have been in relationships and have been happy to make sacrifices and such, but this is different. This goes beyond me, I can't explain why it bothers me so much to the point I prefer to give up on relationships, but it just does. It has nothing to do with just wanting the sweet things.I shouldn't have asked this. Other people obviously don't get where I'm coming from. But thanks for trying.
...............................
A
female
reader, Weramazing +, writes (4 March 2010):
 You know what not all guys are like that take a look at this site and some of the replies from men re porn and men looking at other women and you'll see for yourself.
As for you I don't think right now you should get into a relationship as you need to rebuild your selfasteem and confidence.
You are not ugly and you sound like a great strong female who knows exactly what she wants. Maybe rather then saying I don't want to burden a man with what I wouldn't feel comfortable with you should be saying I know who I am and I know what I will and won't accept from a relationship.
I wouldn't accept those things either the way I see it is these are my morals and this is who I am any guy I'm with should respect that and if he doesn't want to then we were not meant to be.
As for your appearance although you need to feel good on the inside to feel good on the outside I also think that having a makeover can sometimes really help boost peoples confidence and make them feel good about themselves. Maybe look at magazines and get an idea of what you would like your next haircut/style to look like and what new clothes you would like to buy.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 March 2010):
 You are only 21 and came to conclude that you are give up on love, really? Are you ready to go to live in a convent?
You are using your "unattractiveness" as an excuse to avoid intimacy, at the same time wanting it.
No woman is ugly. Cosmetics has made it impossible for women to look ugly. Try tweezing your brows a little and you will look different already. Put a little eye shadow and lip gloss and you look glam.
A monk or a nun would tell you this: if you are still longing for human affection, you are not ready to go live in a convent.
Relationships are hard work for both men and women. It sounds like you don't want the effort but only the sweet things that come out of a relationship.
Looks is important but so is personality, compatability, passion and willingness to adapt to new situations. A man would still come home to you even if he finds other women attractive.
...............................
|
