A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Help! I recently discovered an email account I did nopt know about which led to Craigs lists postings I did not know about. Long story short, my husband of 18 years had communications with other men over a period of 4 months while travelling. He posted himself, "looking for head" and had emails of one man in particular that he tried to contact on eachof 4 trips. I have no SOLID proof that they met. However, my husband gave out his hotel room number and was very specific describing himself and ab out what he wanted. He has denied that he actually wanted anything to happen, that he was just "messing around". He also says he was searching for attention since he felt he was not getting enough from me. I want to just die, scream, dig a hole and hide. I have been trying to do my own detective work and it is eating me alive. I don't want to believe this-had no suspicions at all- truly just an accidental discovery. I cannot live with this! However I also cannot live with the guilt of breaking up our family (3 kids) if it is not true. even if he did not "follow through" doesn't this at least say he is curious? he claims he did this instead of females because he was too scared he might actually follow through with a girl. Am I an idoit?
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female
reader, petina1  +, writes (12 December 2010):
 Just out of curiosity, if your husband was seeing other women would you be as forgiving. Cheating is cheating who ever it is with. He has a lot of issues as well that seem too far out of your reach to sort out. He is in a proper dilema. I wonder if he has been taking anti depressants over a long period of time because some research suggests that they make you suicidal and some say they can also hurt their families, i.e. murder them whilst under the influence of these things. He sounds like he can't make up his mind whether he is gay or not. You need to give him some space to do just what he likes then you will know, but to do this he would have to move away from you so that you don't add to his dilema. Some men want their cake and eat it, is it a case of this? I hope you will be okay as you sound a caring woman and put up with quite a lot in your life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank the man who responded that he had curiosity and chickened out. Are you married? If so, were there problems within your marriage that led you down that path or was it strictly a thrill seeking sexual thing? He did indeed meet the man face to face and had some beers. My question is if he chickened out that first time why did he contact him again the next time he was in town to try and hook up? His answer on this one was "I don't know." I understand that he needs my patience and to be a friend right now. As long as we stay off this subject we actually get along well. He really wants me to forget this and move on asap. I do love him.... but it just isn't that easy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Your husband needs help. How you help him will be a testament to your marriage.
I will address the Craigslist concern and let you know you probably don't have as much to worry about as you think. I can tell you from having some of the same Bi-curiousity, and posting many times on CL, that it is not easy to pick guys up on CL. I have posted many times with photos and responded to many posts, and it never went anywhere. I probably would chicken out too, and one guy I was going to meet admitted to chickening out when we exchanged face shots. So your husband giving out room numbers and explicit intentions may not necessarily mean anything happened. It may just be a curiosity. For me, it ended. I never had any contact with a man other than E-mail. Hopefully, he is going through the same phase.
But as for the other stuff...get him to counseling.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): Wow! that's all i have to say.
Personally I believe that your husband is gay or bi, and i believe he has known this for a while. However, now he's acting up because you found out his secret. Men or women don't typically decide out of no where to go and have homosexual encounters, these kind of decisions come with much pondering and time. What i recommend is that you keep going to therapy, but try and sit down with your husband and forget that you're his wife and just be a friend. Don't push him to confess, or to admit to something, listen to him, let him tell you on his own. Also I'm glad you put the weapon away and the alchohol, these two things are only contributing to your misfourtunes and problems.
Like I said, sit down with each other, be friends and talk don't yell, scream or be fustrated, just talk tell each other about what you feel and don't judge. Let him know you're there for him as a wife and as friend. He needs you more than ever because he's depressed and probably can't handle his anxiety. Try to be relaxed so he can be too.
I think is time for the both of you to be honest with each other, for the sake of your marriage and your children. Sometimes is better to know the cold truth and live happy than to live an eternal lie.
Good Luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both. I did hide the gun and am getting rid of all our alcohol in the house as he (and i both) tend to self medicate with that. i called our therapist and let him know. I have an appt tomorrow to discuss how my husbands behavior is actually pretty typical of men who have found themselves in this situation. I do hope my husband goes back to see him- he has no support outside of me , which for obvious reasons is not the right person to be talking to right now. He has been on anti-anxiety/depression med, Cymbalta, for years now for "GAD" generalized anxiety disorder. Holidays will be tough. He said he would move out after Christmas if that is what i want.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 December 2010):
 Wow, he's threatening suicide? This is beyond me, honestly I would tell your therapist about his threats and the gun/bullets thing. Maybe he feels his world is imploding and has no way to cope.
The meeting up with a man would be pretty clear evidence to me that he is struggling with homosexual feelings and is in major turmoil.
Did you ever go visit those websites I gave you? The people there have been in your situation and may have better resources for you.
Take especial care and for heaven's sake get rid of the gun. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (6 December 2010):
 This sounds like a mid-life crisis in the most extreme sense of the term. He has clearly become a danger to himself. Of greater concern is that he may have become a danger to you and your children.
It is far beyond my competence to advise you how to help him. At this point keeping yourself and your family safe must be your first priority. I hope you did indeed take his gun and lock it away from him. But if he is determined he can get another.
Counselling is only as effective as the effort he puts in to it. While not surprising that he wasn't forthcoming about those thoughts, he can't be helped if he isn't prepared to be entirely frank. Please try to get him to go back to the counsellor, and to open up. He may be struggling with depression which could be helped by medication.
I understand your reluctance to push him on this. But I urge you to be mindful of the risk he could pose to others in this state of mind.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOK...please help. Need advice. My husband now has admitted he met a man in the lobby for sexual encounter then he 'chickened out" However, he again sent this man an email the following month when he was in town again asking if he could meet up again. Last night we had a terrible fight- he left the house- we had both been drinking. He got home at 2:30 AM- he had gone t a friends house to drink some more. This morning we talked- he cried out :I am not gay" repeatedly. Then he told me I needed to take his gun and bullets "until this is all over' because he had brought the gun with him last night and had contemplations of killing himself. He is now out of town for 4 days. i am very worried about him, he says he doesn't think he would ever follow through but on his bad days wishes he would. Now I feel like I cannot get closure on this because if I push him further he will hurt himself. We are in therapy- he says he lied to the therapist about his suicidal ideations at our last session. So do I just schedule a lobotomy and try to move on? Don't know if I can live with this lie.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your frank advice. Update: I have a bacterial infection "down there"...could be a coincidence, but seriously? Never had one before. While I was sleeping, had been drinking, the other night he began to have his way with me and when I woke up he was on top of me. He says I was "responding" and he didn't realize I was asleep. I had just told him that day that I was not able to have sex with him yet. Seeing a counselor- like C. Grant suggested- need some honest honors about his motivation. Don't think I will be getting any honesty unfortunately and will be forced to make some hard decisions based on my "gut"
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Thanks for the follow up. I don't know what to tell you other than to make sure you are taking good care of yourself. This may be all a huge misunderstanding but him giving out his hotel room number and specifying sexual acts he wants on Craigslist is pretty blatant behavior. He's actively solicited sexual encounters outside the marriage. Whether they are with a male or female is almost irrelevant, isn't it?
Good luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your responses. I do want to point out, however, to one anonymous responder that thought I was overreacting. Hardly...even went on vacation the next week with the family. He only spent two nights on the couch. He is back in my bed and we are "snuggling". I think I know the truth in my heart...I just can't get my head around it and he will probably never ever admit it. He presents himself as very masculine, has an outstanding career and is a great father. He would DIE before admitting even any curiosity. We have counseling scheduled but I know he will just tell the therapist the same excuses he has told me. Not sure how to handle this counseling session.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 November 2010):
Sorry for being late on this one, I meant to respond earlier.
I think you have good reason to be concerned. A friend of mine is a doctor specializing in the treatment of people with HIV. He has many stories of having a woman come in puzzled why she would be HIV positive when she had been faithful, then to find her husband had been hiding his homosexual encounters from her.
You've had a huge indication that your husband is at risk for this type of encounter and I think you deserve some answers. Professional counselor for sure, no matter if he goes along with you or not. I have some websites for you that may help you as well.
http://www.straightspouse.org/home.php
http://www.voy.com/86426/
I hope everything works out for you. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): His answers are typical. It sounds like he is interested in men and just like how he stated in his ad, he wants a head. Most likely he feared discussing it with you and tried to do it in secret. Personally, I have developed interest for men and was interested in the same thing as well, but never done it or told my wife and would never tell her. She will never accept it and would cause more trouble than it is worth.
The best thing to do is to try to understand him and try to work with him on this. I can't tell you to accept it, but you need to realize that this is something that he has become interested in without being able to push the desire away.
Would it make you feel better if you knew about it, or never knew anything about?
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A
female
reader, cheekyfriday  +, writes (6 November 2010):
This is true for sure. Men wont post an ad to want another man to give him head unless they mean it!
Just like men say they are not perving on other women when you catch them, your husband is most definately seeking relationships for sex with other men. This doesn't mean he wants to leave you.
Don't be too surpised, if you ask a gay male how many man have sex with them that are married you will be VERY suprised.
I am sorry to say but you have a big life awakening experiance to deal with. Does he want to cross dress too when he is playing around?
Your not giving him what he wants because he wants a man. Men are very sexual and they just simply fuck without the drama of day to day life. They will look, hint, and bang straight to the bedroom, now how much harder is them to tag a women? Plus the men that like this know what the other men want.
Its hard for you, 18 years and all the questions you wonder now, like lets be realistic, its true he has been with other men. How many? Does he practice safe sex? Do he enjoy giving them head? Does he do it anal? God so many questions like how long has he been doing this? Has he always had this desire or when did it start?
Its being unfaithful regardless. Now you need to find out why, I would say that you cant fix this one, he lies to you. You can only live with it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2010): Do you know for sure? Just posting emails is fairly tame. It is not like he has put a picture of himself on a gay dating site, or been arrested in a public place or a gay beat, asking men for sex in a public male lavatory. At this stage i think you still have a marriage intact, despite your massive mistrust, and your massive over reaction, none of which is helping the situation. I recall reading about a famous British actor who kept his wife and family in the house and his male lover down the back of the garden. They all respected each others boundaries. The arrangement went on for years. But USA is not as accepting of such arrangements, and think divorce is the only option. Your husband may have been lonely and feeling experimental. He could have looked at porn instead. Sometimes boys as adolescents try homosexuality out, find it is not for them, and never do it again. The singer Mick Jagger admits to this, as did John Lennon from the Beatles in the 1960s. Married men do flirt with homosexuality occasionally and then go back to their wife. It is not the end of the world. It could have been worse - worse would be those men who prefer animals (bestiality) or children (pedophiles). Note homosexual men ONLY prefer other adult men. He sounds inexperienced, this may have been a one off. Sure he could be lying to you hook line and sinker. But keep the lines of communication open with him. Stomping around in a perpetual state of outraged hizzy fit is not helpful. Does the marriage have to end if he is gay? If he is prepared to abstain from sex with men and remain the father at home, then could you work this out amicaby without tearing your hair out and much banshee screaming? Though the two of you do need an AIDS test and STD tests from Doctor. And if you are mature about this you could stop pressuring him and snooping which is destroying more trust between the two of you.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant +, writes (5 November 2010):
I doubt you're an idiot.
If you know he gave out his room number I don't see how he has any plausible deniability. I would suggest that you proceed from here as is he has in fact done this. At the barest minimum he's so curious as to try something eventually -- posting such stuff one time might be for the thrill, but four times that you know about?
I strongly suggest a professional marriage counsellor. You need and deserve an honest answer from him about what motivated this. Once you've got that, then you can decide whether you can in fact live with it or not.
A word of caution -- a chap at a church we once attended was stepping out in this way on his wife some years ago. Being in denial, he brought AIDS home to his wife. Both parents died, leaving their children orphaned. You should get yourself tested immediately for STIs.
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (5 November 2010):
After reading this, sounds like he is looking for men and sex. The only thing you can do if you want this to work is to keep a closer eye on what he's doing. If he's working away from home then he needs to find a job more closer to home. At the end of the day he can not be trusted. He could have been curious or he could have been living this life for many years. Its so scary to find this out about someone you think you know and it's your decision whether you fight for him to save your marriage. He will only do what he wants to in the end and if he stops looking now, what's to say later on in his life he won't try again. You know the decision is yours. Good Luck
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