A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So, I moved to the UK in September to go to university, currently working through a Master's Degree, and I met a guy in one of my classes, and sooner than I realized we became very, very close and are practically best friends. Thing is, I have feelings for him, and I can't tell him because he has a girlfriend, and I don't want to lose him as a friend if I did tell him how I feel about him because we're so close, and to lose that friendship would be really hard on both of us, as he also doesn't want to lose me as a friend.However he has a girlfriend, a steady, committed girlfriend with whom he's been with for more than one year. Despite this, the two of us spend most nights chatting till early in the morning, and are together most of the time because we have all the same classes -- and at a Master's level, the classes are so small, so there's no way to avoid him.However, a few nights ago he was in my room and we were just sitting and hanging out, watching a movie, and the following day he said he couldn't talk to me anymore, and needed space away from me for a while. the thing is he said he didn't know why he felt weird being alone with me, despite having been in my room before - and nothing ever happens, we just sit and chat. It turned out that his girlfriend had been scared of him hanging out with me, and that she disapproves of how much time we're together. I know not to cross boundaries, because I don't want things to change... he's my best friend here, and as a foreigner here, friends are basically my life support system for getting through the day... being alone scares me...I can't help feel like he's pushing me away, but I know it's for the sake of his relationship with his girlfriend and he basically said that if it comes down to it, he can't lose his girlfriend because he's put so much time into getting the relationship to work in the first place and getting her to trust him.This whole no communication thing is hard because I want to talk to him, but I don't think I can...even in classes we sit together, we no longer talk, simply take our notes and leave separately.What can I do to tell him I'm here for him... just stay away until he's ready? I feel like he's already made his decision - to drop me as a friend. I think I may just have to accept that I've lost my best friend and try to move on, as hard as that is...
View related questions:
best friend, has a girlfriend, move on, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boombadaboom  +, writes (25 January 2010):
 You might have lost your 'best' friend but he'll still be your friend. You may not be too close anymore but he'll stick up for you when it comes down to it. Just accept it, it's for the best, make new friends, respect his decision and let him know that. It won't be a big problem for yourself or him since you haven't taken a big step yet. You'll be fine. Just accept it and move on, don't do something stupid like telling him you 'like' him or something. In my eyes it's best to leave it be and for example if he needs help, be there for him but don't take it any further. He'll realise you're still his friend and back at ya.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDefinetly will - and yes, his relationship with his girlfriend is his primary relationship - I feel rather a fool for being so hard on him and being distressed... If I continue to respect that space, then he and I can retain a friendship in due course... who knows, if and when that will actually occur, in the meanwhile -- life live to the fullest :)
I would like to thank you q1605! You are good at dispensing advice.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I have thought about it a bit more from her perspective and I feel like all of this is my fault, but I guess I will just wait and see what happens -- let him have the space and time and learn to let go little by little so I feel less hurt by what's happened.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, you're right - if anything I had to pay MORE tuition because I am an international student.
I think I honestly got my answer when I was assaulted by a stranger the other night -- which left me terrified and traumatized, and I had called him for support and help and he said he couldn't be there for me because he required space and time away from me (which I later found out was because his girlfriend was trying to break it off with him and he didn't want for her to do that).... that seems like a pretty callous and shitty thing to do to be honest.
So I'm going to try my best to move on and continue living MY life and if he wants to talk to me, he can do so, but I basically have no reason to speak to him if all he's going to do is brush me off saying that he's going to abide by what his girlfriend says and that is to "not talk to female friends." If he's willing to lose me as a friend to his girlfriend's insecurities, that's his decision, and it tells a lot about him.
I haven't done anything wrong, haven't crossed any boundaries -- all I have done is be myself, and been there for him. It's not my fault that the two of us get along so well and are able to talk to each other about almost everything... that is something his girlfriend has to deal with, not me, she has to accept that he has female friends, and some of them are close friends too...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, apparently his girlfriend was objecting to him spending too much time with me -- so for the time being he's not speaking to me... he's cut of all contact.
And I don't exactly know what to do because we have all the same classes, it's not like I can make myself invisile so that he can have his space and not have to acknowledge me and feel like I am stalking him or something -- he can't object to that -- I can't skip classes lol.
I guess can't do much but wait until he's ready to talk to me again. I will just have to be patient.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2010):
Sadly he has made his decision. There is nothing you can do to change it. I think maybe send him a note telling him that although you know he has to stand by his girlfriend, you are there as a friend and nothing more. That might help and open him up a bit. But in truth, when a guy goes to this length, chances are he's made his decision, and you're at the sad end of it, rather than the happy. You would probably do best to move on, no matter what.
...............................
|
