A
female
age
30-35,
*em98
writes:My boyfriend told me 2 days ago that he needs space, what does this mean?We have been seeing each other for 5 months, when i first met him i can remember being SO happy because i had finally found a nice guy. He promised me he would treat me right and never do anything to hurt me. All my friends that knew him told me he was such a nice sweet guy and would never hurt me. We would talk all day everyday for the first couple of months but then it slowed down and thats normal i guess. but our relationship was fine. On new years eve we had our first fight, because i wanted to do one thing and he wanted to do a different thing. He went all quiet and wouldnt talk to me ( he is the type of guy that when there is a problem he shuts himself out from everyone ) eventually he came out and said that i'm a difficult person thats always on his back and never wants to do anything. I had never heard any of this before because we had never even had a fight before! we ended up going to bed early and not going out on new years. I cried my self to sleep right nexto hm.I went home early the next morning and didnt hear from him til late that night, he told me he was sorry and that he loves me and wants to be with me forever and that i was the best thing thats ever happened to him. Then 20 mins later he sent me a text message saying "this relationship doesnt feel the same as it use to" i asked him if he wanted to fix it and he said yes. the next day i went over to his house and we talked and sorted things out, he told me he wants me to be a happier person and hang out with my friends more, he said he was worried about me because i was making him my everything. which was true. so for the next 2 weeks we both felt that things were getting better. Until last weekend we had plans on friday night to go out for dinner and a movie, he cancelled on me because he forgot that he had a birthday party to go to and i coudnt come with him cause i was underage. He told me we would do it on saturday night, saturday night came around and he came over and told me he was going out with his brother. I got really angry and upset. i told him i didnt understand why he was with me if he didnt want to spend any time with me. i told him that the past week i felt that only i had been making the effort, i would go over to his house, he would never come over to mine. He said he didnt even realise and was sorry. He said he would come over on sunday.Sunday came around and he sent me a text saying he didnt feel like doing anything (obviously hungover) And i wrote back you told me you would come over so come over. he came over and we just watched a movie, i ended up staying at his house that night, we had sex for the second time that night. He stayed at my house on monday night and that was the last time i saw him.On tuesday i didnt hear from him all afternoon, i txt him asking what he was up to. He replied an hour an a half later saying he just went for a surf then went to sallys house. I asked "whos sally?" he then said "just a friend" i was curious so i asked him if it was just him that went or were there other people. He took it the wrong way thinking i was trying to catch him out and that i didnt trust him. He wouldnt answer the question which kept making things worse, i kept calling him but he would reject my calls, eventually he answered and i asked what the hell was going on and he just kept saying it shouldnt matter weather it was just him there or not cause i should trust him, i told him it wasnt about that and that it was just a question. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me and he said yes. The next day i didnt hear from him all day, i messaged him asking if we could sit down and talk this afternoon and he said no he was busy, then i said well just talk to me when your ready then. i didnt hear from him all night. the next morning i sent him this message. "i just want to know whats going on, youve barely spoken to me in 2 days and i dont understand why, im sorry for being on your back the other night, i dont know if you want space or not cause you havent told me..please just tell me whats on your mind"he replied with.. "i need some space i feel as if your on my back all the time and i dont want that. you never seem happy and i dont want a girlfriend who is just emotionless, it bothers me when you ask me questions like the other night its like you dont trust me, lately i haven't felt much for you and we need to change that right? you need to give me some space and time, its harsh i know but if your on my back im not going to make any progress.."i asked him if that mean we were breaking up and he said no. I asked him if he was still coming to my birthday party which is tonight and he said yes but he still doesnt feel like its working but he will be there.im really nervous and dont know how to act around him tonight, i mean technically hes still my boyfriend but i feel like i cant kiss or hug him cause i dont want to push him away, what do i do? how do i act?i havem't been able to eat or sleep i just miss him so much and want things to go back to normal, ive realised that maybe i was on his back too much and all i want to do it prove to him that i AM a happy person and that i can be a normal girlfriend, but how do i do that? any advice would be great
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female
reader, Lucky786  +, writes (23 January 2010):
 There is one part of question that really worries me:
"He promised me he would treat me right and never do anything to hurt me"
You both went into this way too fast. If a guy promised me he would never hurt me I would not believe him. No-one can make that promise to anyone and it sounds to me like you both moved way too fast. See the other bit that worried me was that you kept messaging him even when he hadn't responded to your previous message. You both need a break from each other, to reconnect with yourselves as individuals. I think some space is long overdue.
A
female
reader, eby  +, writes (23 January 2010):
I've been in that situation,so i know what you mean.It would not be too easy for you to give him that space,but if you keep bother him,and does not give that space to him;he will turn against you and you will not be able to do anything to calm him.just let him play as a man,and he will miss you so much.
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A
female
reader, eby +, writes (23 January 2010):
I've been in that situation,so i know what you mean.It would not be too easy for you to give him that space,but if you keep bother him,and does not give that space to him;he will turn against you and you will not be able to do anything to calm him.just let him play as a man,and he will miss you so much.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 January 2010):
You are leaning an important lesson here. It's a hard one, but when it's over, you will be in a better position to know how a man feels. Everything here has happened to fast. When a man professes his love to you and makes all these promises so suddenly, you can be sure that somewhere down the line, you will find it is all rubbish. Maybe you were on his back. But to be honest, it sounds more like he's expecting you to do everything his way, and when the going gets tough and you do your own thing, he gets bad and blocks you out.. Your New Years argument was a classic example of that. He wanted to do something, so did you. Instead of coming to an argument, he made it that both of you did nothing, then blamed you. Now I know you love this guy, I do know it. But take it from another male that this guy just isn't Mr Right. You're not being emotionless! You're telling him everything. This is about him not listening because he wants you to be his trophy girl who does as she's told. Don't take that crap from any man! You would do better to just tell him it's over and move on. Yes you will be hurt, yes you will cry. But there is a guy out there who can treat you with more respect and care than this. He didn't even offer you any reassurance about the other girl. He just told you to 'trust him'. Measure a man by his actions, not his words. His actions are saying to me that you can do better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): Me and my boyfriend had a bit of a time like this when we had been going out, still in our first year. We spent a lot of time together and we did kinda cut out any friends because we wanted to see each other. I had a time just like you, I was curious and he took it as mis trust.
From personal experience you just have to back off a little bit, you told him he should say when he wanted to talk but you didnt wait to hear from him, you text him after a day.
It doesn't have to be a break but slow down a bit, go back out on little dates again and have fun together. Sitting in watching movies is sweet, but everyone needs to get out and go places and it'll give you both a chance to have more fun.
As for you party, tell him in private you are realy glad he came and it means a lot to you. Acknowledge that you might of come across as overbearing and clingy but you felt he was trying to pull away. For tonight ask for it to be water under the bridge, you want to have fun with him and your mates. Maybe he could take a friend? Then he will be able to see you acting like your old self with your mates and he might just realise what a great thing you've got together.
I think its natural for a relationship to need a bit of a change every now and again.
Its really important that you do have other things to do other than see each other, even if its just meeting your girlfriends for a coffee. Its just not a healthy relationship if your together 24/7.
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