A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,Around a year ago I found my very close friend on a popular swingers site. He’s my best mate and I’m also pretty close with his girlfriend. They’ve been together for a few years now and have a serious relationship, house, engagement etc. Now, today he has posted that he is visiting a swingers club while she is at an event. I’m really stuck on what to do. He is my best friend and I love him like a brother but she is also a close friend and I don’t want her to get hurt. Should I approach him about it?
View related questions:
best friend, swinging Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2019): Odd he is posting about if it is actually a secret kept from her. But maybe he is just a very arrogant cheat and assumes he will never get caught. Do you think it could be a joke?? Whatever the truth is, I could not personally sit back and do nothing. I found out my ex was visiting a swinger's club close to his workplace BY CHANCE when I noticed an odd entry in his search history. Of course he lied about it and pulled every lie and trick in the book, but I left him. It was not something we had agreed to do and he was sleeping with others behind my back in a supposedly committed relationship. I wish someone had told me about him, although I think his friends kept stumm, because they were also cheaters, some of them at least.So I think your first port of call should be talk to him AFTER you take the screenshot first. Ask him what is going on. Could be it was a joke.... Social media is strange, right? But if he is cheating and asks you to keep quiet about it, I would make it clear that you cannot, of you an honourable person, and I would definitely tell her. She deserves to know. Her health is at risk. HIV??? Be prepared to lose the friendship, but personally I would not want a friendship with a sleazebag.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2019): Do not tell.Their relationship is not your beeswax.If you tell do you know what will happen? Have you ever heard the term....don't kill the messenger? I predict if you tell you will lose both friendships and they both will blame you.Do not doit.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2019): I'd approach him and say exactly what you've said here. That you've seen his post about attending a swinging club and that his girlfriend is a dear friend of yours and you'd hate to see her get hurt.
See what he says. It does seem rather reckless to post about it if she doesn't know. Tacky to post about it even if she does know.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (22 June 2019):
 I'd talk to him first.
Ask him if she knows, and if she doesn't WHY he thinks it's OK to do when in a relationship. Just a guy to guy chat.
Though you DO have to remember you are not the morality police that needs to "enforce" the "laws" of a healthy monogamous relationship.
Maybe, she knows. If he POSTED that he is visiting a swinger place , how possible is it that SHE knows?
Does she know how you and he met?
IF he brushes you off with her "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" attitude it's up to you if you want to tell her, just know you will probably lose your friendship with him and maybe her too.
Personally, I'd HATE to be in the dark if MY partner was doing things like that behind my back. But there are always limits to how much I think people should "meddle".
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (22 June 2019):
 Can you be certain the girlfriend doesn't know about his "hobby"? Perhaps she just does not want it rubbing in her face (no pun intended).
You'll be familiar with the saying "don't shoot the messenger". In your shoes, I would tread very carefully. If you tell the female friend about this, your male friend will probably become your ex friend because, even if she knows, he will see your interference as an act of disloyalty to him.
How other couples choose to conduct their private life is up to them and nobody else. However, if you feel very strongly about this, then perhaps have a quiet word with the male friend to point out that, if YOU have found out about his activity, then other friends may as well (including ones who only know the female friend and have no loyalty towards him). Perhaps he needs to be more discreet.
...............................
A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 June 2019):
 If she’s being cheated on, she deserves to know, but it may be an arrangement they have that you don’t know about or he could just be joking.
Screenshot what he said and ask him about it “just out of curiosity”. Try to sound genuinely interested; “oh cool, where is it? I haven’t heard of any round here”. Then “does Jane do it too?” to see if she’s involved in it or knows. Don’t seem judgemental or he won’t tell you anything because he’ll think you’ll tell her, if she doesn’t know.
If you have proof that he’s being serious and she doesn’t know, then you tell her. If you don’t have proof, it’s trickier. If he says she knows, you can potentially bring it up IN conversation with her privately (not just out of the blue) like “oh, I heard about _____ Club and was wondering what it’s like there?”
People sometimes say you shouldn’t get involved, but people shouldn’t live in betrayal if someone knows for a fact that they’re being cheated on.
...............................
|
