A
female
age
30-35,
*oveisreal217
writes:This is going to sound ridiculous and like me and this other person are the worst people in the world. I am married, but separated and this man is married with kids. We have been talking for quite some time now. We have never done anything sexually even though the attraction is there, we just know ur boundaries since we’re both married. I know and he knows that nothing will ever come to be with the two of us. It’s painful to know that when we go our separate ways there’s is someone out there who loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved and he feels the same. You could say it’s the classic case ‘right person, wrong time’ if you believe that sort of thing. I’m really just looking for advice on how to cope with letting go of what to me and to him is real love. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2019): "there’s is someone out there who loved me the way I always dreamed of being loved and he feels the same."
Well that's because of the forbidden fruit element. Everything is exciting and perfect before anything happens. Trust me, if you settled down with this guy it would become routine and normal after a while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2019): Two things people can't do in the 21st-century.
Wait and cope!
Some things don't happen instantly or overnight. You'll agonize and fret when you don't practice patience and/or don't institute self-control.
Find some constructive distractions and stop letting your addiction to some man be the driving-force in your life.
You're an intelligent grown-up woman. Surely, you can find many things to keep your mind off that man. Centering your life around another person makes you lose track of your own self-awareness and identity. Try reacquainting yourself with your independence. Maybe you've lost yourself!
Your life should be much more fulfilling and complex than that! If it isn't, there's your first self-improvement project.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2019):
 How do you cope?
You work on YOURSELF. You work on finding what makes you happy (within you and things like family ,friends, sports, hobbies)
TAKE that year that the law requires, to do just that.
Being separated doesn't mean being single.
Most states require a waiting period. Not just to DRAG things out but to encourage people to TRY and work things out or have enough time to move forward on their own. While I get that it's annoying to HAVE to wait, take that time to find your own two legs. A year isn't much in the big picture.
Keep busy.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 June 2019):
 OP, when we do something that hurts or betrays others, feeling judged is part of the consequences. On here, most of us will judge the actions, not the person. It’s rare that someone on here who cheated/cheats actually takes full responsibility for it and is aware of the gravity of what they’ve done/are doing.
As I said in my first response: “cut all contact with this man or it will stop you moving on. Take a few months to heal and come to terms with it, then start going on dates, just to get out there. Start a new hobby or night classes. Reading, writing, cooking classes, sewing classes, art classes, a qualification you’re interested in, etc.
You don’t love each other, OP. Love isn’t like this. You’re both forbidden to each other and you’re infatuated with the fantasy of each other. If you actually left your spouses and tried a relationship, you’d probably realise it’s not love at all, just an intense crush because you want to be loved.
You’re doing the right thing by letting him go because there are guys out there who will love you and you them without hurting any spouses.”
The tips on how to let go and move on is:
- hobbies and/or night classes
- understanding that this isn’t actually love
- knowing that you’re doing the right thing
It’s hard, but it’s important.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2019): It's usually not real-love, it's lust. It becomes intriguing and a thrill having a secret-love. Forbidden-fruit is tempting and the allure to someone you're not supposed to have makes it all him all the more desirable.
You use self-control like any other married-person, or someone in a committed-relationship. In blunt terms, you're cheating in an adulterous-affair. If you define it and call it what it is, your sense of values will kick-in.
Now that you've formed an addiction to him; you have to go cold-turkey. That's the only way. You'll have to go through the phases of detachment and separation; as you would with anyone you breakup with.
You weigh the consequence, appeal to your own conscience, summon the stronger elements of your character; and you do the right thing for your marriage.
Otherwise, stop with the nonsense and get a divorce.
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A
female
reader, Loveisreal217 +, writes (22 June 2019):
Loveisreal217 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess I should have added that I can’t finalize my divorce so quickly. I live in NC where the law says it doesn’t get finalized until a year after the separation. If I could finalize it now I would.
Really I was looking for a way to cope with not being with him because I’m not with him....which I guess I didn’t explain very well. Also, this site used to be helpful-everyone on here is ready to pounce and judge at any little mistake someone makes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 June 2019):
It's still a fantasy. For both of you.
And no, you don't know your boundaries, at all. At least HE doesn't. HE is still married and living with his wife, so really he has NO business "courting" you.
I will cut you a little more slack than him, since you are separated. But, you KNOW better too.
While you are "just" talking, you are both AWARE that there IS a wife, and kids there too. Right?
HOW do think the wife would feel when/if she finds out? Not great right? Probably devastated, but hey... there is attraction here so it's OK? Is that it?
Wish him well, cut all contact, and FOCUS on finishing that marriage of yours, GET the divorce finalized.
Than take a little time to get adjusted to your new life as a single woman. When you are READY (really ready) to date again, then go for it - BUT not with this man. FIND someone who is SINGLE too.
And you might think this guy is OH so great ... but really, how great is a man who is chatting up another woman while being married with kids? Seriously. You think if he left her and the kids he wouldn't at some point DO the same to you? Because he would. You are not that special.
But if you can find ONE man with traits, personality that you really enjoy you can find another. It might take a bit of time and effort, but that's life. JUST for you OWN good... GO for SINGLE men only. Don't get involved with married or separated men. It's not going to end well for you.
And talking to someone doesn't mean what you have is love. It's part infatuation, lust and fantasy. REAL ACTUAL LOVE, takes time to build. It's not just done "talking" it's done spending time together IN person. Getting to know the other person in depth.
You know what you are doing is wrong. And you know it could potentially hurt a LOT of people. So the sooner you let go.. the sooner you can get your divorce finalized and hopefully MEET someone WORTHY of your LOVE.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (22 June 2019):
Remember that there is more than one person out there for everyone. If there wasn’t, nobody would get remarried or find love after becoming a widow/widower.
Get the divorce finalised and cut all contact with this man or it will stop you moving on. Take a few months to heal and come to terms with it, then start going on dates, just to get out there. Start a new hobby or night classes. Reading, writing, cooking classes, sewing classes, art classes, a qualification you’re interested in, etc.
You don’t love each other, OP. Love isn’t like this. You’re both forbidden to each other and you’re infatuated with the fantasy of each other. If you actually left your spouses and tried a relationship, you’d probably realise it’s not love at all, just an intense crush because you want to be loved.
You’re doing the right thing by letting him go because there are guys out there who will love you and you them without hurting any spouses.
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