A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need a little advice. I want to apologise in advance for this being so long, but I'm really stuck here.So about 4-5 years ago I met a girl online. We quickly became friends and talked very regularly. After a few months I found myself having more romantic feelings for her and ended up with a crush. She had a boyfriend at the time, and was (I thought) very much in love with him. She had moved countries to live with him and were already 4 or so years into their relationship. Of course I respected this and kept my feelings quiet for a very long time. I stayed her friend, was there for her when she needed me and supported her relationship. I had no reason to try and break them apart. It wasn't easy, but I dealt with it.What made it much more difficult, were the uncommon signs she kept giving me that suggested she had feelings for me too. She would tell me she "loved me", but quite clearly in a non-romantic way. She would constantly talk to me in a flirtatious manner, ask me questions about my relationships and just generally acted in such a way that would make an average person think: "Yep, she has a crush on me". The problem with that, however, was she would often act distant, and when I playfully asked if she did have feelings for me, she would laugh at me and deny it. This was all still while she was with her boyfriend. Eventually, I fell in love with her. Still kept it a secret. But it made me act different towards her. Often I'd want to log on but not want to initiate contact, hoping she wouldn't talk to me and start a conversation that would last hours. I'd be slightly rude at times and felt relieved when she wouldn't initiate contact with me either. She'd flirt with other guys in front of me on an online game we played, clearly trying to make me jealous. But that just pushed me further away. In the end, she asked me what was wrong. I had to tell her the truth, it wasn't fair to keep this up. So I told her how I felt, she admitted nothing, and said something horrible and kinda made fun of me. Totally the opposite of how I hoped she'd react (understanding). So I cut contact and got over her completely. Numerous days would go by and she wouldn't even pop into my head. For almost a year prior to that, though, I was also friends with and becoming close with another girl. And after cutting contact with the first, eventually fell in love again. 2+ years later, we're still together and have never been happier. We intend on getting engaged when I'm done with my studies and have a solid job. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone and I don't want that to change.But about 6-7 months ago, the first girl got in contact via text with me again. Stating that she had broken up with her boyfriend, was going through a hard time with other things and wanted to start chatting again. I reluctantly agreed and said "hey". Didn't flirt, didn't give any indication at all that I felt anything for her. I didn't. We talked about the fun we used to have and caught up on old times, until she ended up telling me that she had DID have a crush on me way back when we were friends. I made it clear to her I had a girlfriend and was happy. Then I made what I believe was a stupid mistake. I kept talking to her. I did that until I slowly started to feel something again. It wasn't even a crush, just something that made me feel incredibly guilty. Basically, it was clear as day she wanted to be with me, and was probably in love with me. So I cut contact again. She gets back in touch a few weeks later saying that she missed me and that I should: "Stop trying to control my life and my feelings and just let loose, feel what I wanna feel". I Told her I was afraid that I might fall in love again and wanted to stop talking permanently. Long story short - she called me childish for wanting to stop being friends.Even though she claims she has a friend in the real world that she likes now, I know what she really wants. She denies being in love with me any more or having any feelings for me at all. I wasn't born yesterday. SO! What should I do? Should I put and end to this and ignore her, despite our long and great friendship? Or should I let this carry on and do what she says - "Feel what I want to feel, let fate take it's course and let loose?" In other words, be with her instead of my girlfriend. Duh.In my opinion, this girl with almost a PhD in Neuroscience is being oddly selfish and doesn't seem to care that I'm with somebody else. Help me? Pwease? :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): Thanks for reading all that guys, appreciate your responses. I've decided to do the completely ignoring her thing. Haven't even said goodbye. She'll get over me in no time :)
A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (31 May 2011):
She is using you. Man up and ignore her. She is a classic attention seeker, her boyfriend would have been furious if he knew about her chatting to you, I know I would have been. Get on with living your life with your girlfriend in the real world. If you delete this other girl, I promise you will forget about her in a few weeks.
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A
male
reader, Drew21  +, writes (31 May 2011):
 Well, i guess the big question is: Do you think you can be truly happy with the girl you are with now?
The thing you have to remember: This first girl. She had her chance. You told her how you felt about her, and she laughed at you. Then things soured, and she came running back to you as a plan B.
This first girl isn't a dummy. She knows you had feelings for her once, and she's pretty sure she can get you to feel them again if you keep talking to her.
Her goading you as being childish is just a way for her try to get you not to leave.
You have to ask yourself do you love the girl you're with? If you do, then i think you need cut all contact with the first girl. It's obvious she is hoping you'll fall for her again and get together.
That isn't really fair to your current partner, is it? She's put her trust and faith in you, and is counting that she's in a solid, long-term relationship.
Of course, if you think that you could be happier with the first girl, and that things will work out, then i think you owe it to your current girlfriend to tell her what's-what, and give her an out.
I just hope you realize that wanting to cut contact with the first girl is NOT childish. Keeping someone around like that is like playing with fire. Sooner or later someone will get burned.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2011): If it was me, I believe that she truly loved you she would accept that you have a girlfriend and that you are happy, I had to do that and although it hurt, I loved him and if he was happy then that's all I wanted. You are not being childish for wanting to stay faithful to someone who makes you happy. You respected that she was in a relationship when that was the case, she is being selfish if she can't do the same for you. I would say do what is right for you, if you love your current girlfriend and she makes you happy, then stay with her. It sounds to me that this other girl may be the type to play games. That's just what I get for your story. I hope this helps and I hope that it all works out for you. Take care
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