A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question. I'm in such a hard spot right now. I been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and we should have broken up after the first week. I don't feel attracted to him anymore because he makes me so upset all the time. He is like a friend. He treats me like his buddy. We have no kind of sex life. It sucks sometimes I want to cry because I don't feel attracted to him. He adds a lot of stress to my life. He flys off the handle all the time. He is imature and spoiled and selfish at most times. But we have been co dependent for this long. I have just accepted that this is our relationship. Well. Just recently an ex friend with a tiny bit more than just benefits came around. i have such an urge to touch him and be close to him. I'm afraid to look into his eyes because its like electricty. But I go around him just to be near him. He makes me feel so good inside and we aren't even doing anything. The point is. He just told me he feels the same as I do. He has those butterflies 2. He likes me and we should talk about it. What should I do? My current live in boyfriend doesn't come close. There isn't that physical attraction there. I am not even attracted to his mind. He imbaresses me because he is so imature. My current man isn't as grown up as the other guy and there is 3 or 4 years between them. My man being the older one. But he was coddled by his mommy so much. And hasn't been through as much as the other guy or as myself and I think that's why I feel so negative towards him. I see how he acts and I'm thinking come on. You dropped your hat. Get over it worse can happen. Because he drops something and goes into a tantrum. Throwing it across the room. Saying only me! Always me. Of corse this would happen to me. And it makes me sick.like try being me. I'm level headed and gone throug a lot in my life. Bad stuff and I can smile. I'm happy when I wake up. But him. He crys like a baby. Never wants to go to work. Its making me sick. Should I persue nappiness over breaking the heart of a very imature man. I'm so confused. Is my happiness worth more than hurting him? Am I a jerk for doing this? Help. Help. Please help.
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my ex, sex life, spark Reply to this Question
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female
reader, carol3232 +, writes (21 August 2008):
Hey! You should not feel like a jerk at all! First of all you are hurting yourself. You are not happy in this relashonship and you can't kepp on forcing yourself to be with someone you have no feelings for. Sure you might have feelings for him becuase you been with him for so long but you dont feel that chemistry so you have to tell him the way you feel. This other guy that you feel so much for might be the one and you shouldnt give it up. Life is for taking chances and you shold see where you and him go. You cant force yourself to be with someone you dont want to and never feel like you should settle for somthing just becuase you think its the way it should be becuase in reality you want to be happy and your not happy right now with the one your with.
A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (21 August 2008):
 Seeing your follow-up definitely changes my perspective.
I agree with the other posters. It sounds like you've given this guy way more than enough time and chances.
Getting mad because you give concession to your own child? What a jerk!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I agree. I need to end this. He just depends so much on me. I protect his feelings. I watch what I say and do around him. I can't even have male friends. He thinks I like all of them. Its been over for so long. He can't even be away from me for a few hours with out telling me how bad he feels. He has separation anxiety. Its not healthy. Any time something breaks I have to fix it. He can't do anything.
When we almost break up I actually feel relief and free. Not sad at all. That's how I know I lost the love.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): Dear Poster
As "Emily answers" I disagree with "LonelyButNotALone"; I don't think you can work things out in your current relationship;
BECAUSE
if there is no love: no atraction,no sexual relationship; obviously no respect(from what I read in how you describe him in your posting); staying together out of habit;
And all this almost from the start; you have waited to long to get out; this is not a basis to build a relationship on;
I suggest irrelevant of the other guy; you need to get away from the current guy and MOVE ON in your life;
You are not married and there is no need for you to put your happines on line because you are thinking about his feelings; NO, NO, talk to him, explain to him how you feel and TAKE A BREAK;
Staying in your current relationship will be wasting time and make you miserable and resentful.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (21 August 2008):
I'm going to disagree with lonelybutnotalone.
Although she is right that an initial spark will fade after 3 years, that is NO excuse to stay with someone who makes you uphappy. Do you honestly think your boyfriend is happy in a sexless relationship where he yells at his girlfriend all the time?
Tell your current guy that you are not happy. He may fly off the handle but once he's calmed down he will have to act one way or another and I think that is what you should base your decision on.
If he stays angry or tries to just brush the problem under the carpet then you have to leave him. You gave him a chance and he didn't want to know.
If he asks for another chance then you owe it to him to try but give him a time limit. Say 2 months? That way you aren't getting into a cycle of getting him to change then slipping into old patterns. If it improves then great, if not then you can move on with a clear concience.
As for new guy, if he's worth it then he'll be happy to wait a couple of months.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for answering. I kind of left stuff out. And if I weren't anonymous then towould are 3 years of pain and struggle with my current boyfriend. Since the first week. I try. I even tell him what to say to make it better and he just won't. I have told him the way he acts takes away a little love everytime. I feel it leaving me and he still continues its like he just doesn't care. He says he will change but once he does something 2 hurt me he acts like he doesn't care says mean things. I tell him 2 leave and he says ok fine. But then begs me to keep him after he has pushed it that far. And I'm tired. Beat. I am raising a pre teen girl. 13 in 4 months. And its like I have 2 kids.
He also says stuff like how come she can act like that and you don't get that mad at her. This guy compares himself to my child. So your advise is perfectly great but I have tried. I am at the end of the rope with this guy that won't change.
I just think. Can I live like this for ever and I can't but when he packs his stuff and then decides to say what I need to hear and I even say. Fine. Stay. I'm an idiot and I will let you stay and hurt me again. Its not healthy.
I even tried to tell him to be a good role model for my girl. I don't want her to be with someone she fights with all the time. I don't want her to do like I do. And I tell him I can't keep doing this with him because of her. She can't see this. And he doesn't take pride in the fact that he can make a difference in a little girls life.
He lived her 3 years and barely speaks to my child. Its just weird. Thanks for your help.
Even if I do throw this relationship away it won't be just for the butterfly guy.
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A
male
reader, LonelyButNotAlone +, writes (21 August 2008):
Have you tried talking with him about it? He might not realize that his "antics" are bothering you to the extent that they are. If you've been together for 3 years, I think you at least should try to work things out.
Pretty much everyone on this site will tell you, no matter who the person is... the butterflies don't last. The grass is always greener on the other side. And while doing what makes you happy isn't bad or wrong... throwing a long-standing relationship away for another man, without even trying to work through it never looks good.
Here's the ultimate test. Ask the butterfly guy to wait and give you some time to try and work things out. Tell him that you need some time to think on it and that you'll get back in touch with him when you've decided.
Take a week to try and work things out with your current boyfriend. If the current boyfriend isn't doing anything to try and change, dump him. If the butterfly guy starts to throw a fit, whine, or attempt to rush your decision within the week, you can probably expect things won't be any better with him either in the long run as he will be showing the same immaturity that your current boyfriend shows.
Good luck!
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