A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I'm really confused about what's going on between my gay friend and I. I'm a woman, and he's a man and we've always been really close. I've also always thought he was quite attractive but have never made a move simply because he was gay and I knew I'd just be letting myself in for dissapointment. Lately we've been spending a lot of time together. It started off just like every other time we've met up - just coffee, a few friendly hugs, and a few flirty comments. We flirt back and forth sometimes just for a laugh so I didn't think anything of it. Then it progressed on to lying on his bed together, stroking eachother's sides, being quite close etc. He suggested I stay over one night, which I did. Nothing sexual happened, we just slept together on his bed in the spoons position. Since then I feel as if things have been changing between us. He's been more sexually suggestive in his language and has started telling me he loves me more often. He phones mroe often just to check if I'm ok. We'll be on the phone at night and I'll say something like "let me go put some clothes on" and he'll respond by telling me not to and that he likes it when I'm naked. I'm really confused as to what all this means. Theres a growing tension between us - I'm not sure if it's sexual or just flirtatious but things are defo building up. In any normal situation with any other guy, I would be taking these signs as signs that he likes me and might be interested, but this guy is gay. Help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2008): you sure this guy is gay?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): It's a tough situation, and one that I've been in a few times with predominantly gay men. Human sexuality exists along a continuum. We may vastly prefer one gender over the other, yet there may be occasionally be an intense attraction to a person against our normal preferences- although it would rarely be a successful match.I'm a straight woman with no interest in pursuing a relationship with another woman- but there are certainly times I feel sexual interest in other girls, particularly if they act seductively towards me, or an intense closeness develops because they fulfill some emotional lack. Would I date them? No. It would feel "wrong", even if I quite liked them and even wanted them sexually.That may be the situation your friend is in. You clearly show a flattering interest in him, and give the kind of emotional closeness and support he may not get in his relationships with men. Of course he likes you, and may have some attraction to you. But for him, it would probably just feel "wrong" to pursue it further.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (27 March 2008):
 Well, obviously he's wondering whether or not he really is gay, because he finds you sexually attractive. And/or he might be just trying to find you attractive, because he'd rather be straight than gay. You have to call his bluff. Eg:
Go for dinner with him. Drink some wine. Flirt outrageously - forget about him being gay and treat him like a straight guy. Allow the evening to continue at your place or his. Be open to any advances. And then say to him 'I thought you were gay? Are you, or not?' This will surely prompt either a long conversation, or sex, or both!
But be careful. Be so so careful. I had a very similar situation at your age, and I was madly in love with my friend. He was also in love with me, I'm sure, and we even did have a few sort of sexual encounters, but nothing came of it. We are still great friends years later, but he is definitely gay. He said that with me and other women he was kind of trying to be sure he really was gay - he was trying to fancy us - but he just had a stronger attraction to men.
Don't get your hopes up, I guess, is what I'm saying. If your friend has declared himself gay, there must have been a reason for it. He must fancy men, at least, I imagine. And if that's the case, it would always be a difficult relationship. Try my testing method - see what happens!
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (27 March 2008):
Hmm. This is a tricky situation, you are only between 18 and 21 it can take years to realise what you really are, he may not be gay he may be bisexual, or even straight and the relationship with you has kind of 'brought it out' in him.
I had a similar situation a year ago. I really got on with a guy from work, who I was told was gay, and turned out he was seeing a male co-worker secretly. They split up in march but stayed friends and I started going out with them on nights out a lot, by the time it got to July the guy was increasingly flirty with me like your situation. I went round one night for pizza and ended up staying there, like you it wasnt really a sexual situation, but he held me incredibly close all night. Following this I stayed again, and again in a no alcohol involved situation, this time we did end up like you stroking each other in an affectionate but not sexual way, at this point I just straight out asked his bloke what he wanted from me, and it turned out he did want a sexual relationship.
We had a sexual relationship for 2 months, but it was incredibly difficult, he left me and ended up with another man, who he has now been with since. I dont think he ever really was bisexual as he claimed, but just wanted to 'make sure' and this is my only worry with you.
The best thing you can do is ask him out straight, just explain that you like the fact that you are close, and dont want to loose that, but you have felt there is some form of flirtatious or sexual tension between you and has he felt the same. you are clearly good friends to get this close, so I am positive he will be honest with you.
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