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female
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anonymous
writes: I really need help to figure out if I am overreacting to my boyfriend's drinking and pot use. He drinks or smokes pot every single day, sometimes both, especially on the weekends, but not exclusively on the weekends. He does not, and never has had a problem at work, has driven when he definitely shouldn't have in the past but is careful now. I am concerned about the drinking not because he gets all sloppy drunk each day, but that he drinks almost every night most obviously to get quite buzzed - I have seen him very often "slam" down three glasses of wine within 2-3 minutes, while say, starting to make dinner, or if we have watched a movie and it's been an hour or so since he finished his last beer, he gets up and gulps a large glass of wine - not offering me some, or even saying, I'm going to get a drink, just gets up with purpose and slugs it down. He has lied repeatedly about the pot use, first saying it was very occasional - 2-3 times per month, but the truth is actually 2-4 times a week, sometimes more. He gets extremely, extremely upset with me if I say he needs to look at this, saying this is "just me," you just won't accept the real me. He also insists I have no right to "tell him what to do," even saying that it's not that he can't stop, but why should he give in to what I want. He says he has no problem, that I have irrational fears about something I don't even know about. (I have never been high on pot, I do drink moderately.) It is true I am very, very aware of drug use - I have two siblings that were horrible addicts and they both died directly from their drug use. I also have a son who is an addict, so much that he has already been in detention and kicked out of schools and social service programs. I never hid my feelings about drug use. I said when I found out that I did not want to make a life with someone who gets high, that I have been there before and do not want to live that way. He said, "no problem, I can quit, it's no big deal for me, I've quit before." Well, that was the first of many months of lies, he never stopped or curbed his use, and each time he has said something like "you're right, I need to look at this," he takes it all back, says he didn't mean what he said, and instead blames me for making him "have to lie." Right now we are at the point where he said "I am not lying anymore," so he smokes when he wants to and he says I should be willing to be with him when he is high. In fact, he keeps getting high knowing I am coming over to his house for dinner, etc. He contends that he is not a child (he's 52), and he has had a very successful life, keeps a good job etc., and that I am totally wrong. It is true, he has kept a good job, etc. But he has also had three failed marriages, most of his friends are people he gets high with, and he is moody, almost always tired, and hasn't done a small act of kndness for me in months and months. (He will certainly do something for me if I ask, it's not that bad.) I have asked that he "looks at it." He says no, that I am the one with the problem - I just want power over him. So, am I overreacting? Is the test just if he can keep his job and not be "in trouble?" Is everything just my perception and should I just lighten up? To me, he always has a different excuse about why it is OK to get high (that is my biggest complaint, the pot use) - "I was tired, I just wanted to get "up" for when you were coming over," "I was just doing yard work and it was fun," "I do it because it is amusing," "I do it just like having a beer at the end of a work day," "I do it when I am out of ideas for my paintings," and mostly "it's what I have always done since I was a teenager, there is nothing wrong with it." To me, these sound like the same old excuses and explanaions I hear from every other drug abuser. Please help me know if I am way off base here. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2007): I feel your pain. I am to in a realationship of 12 years and he drinks and smokes every day. I have been fighting with him constantly and it seems to be doing no good. I think I need to step up to the plate and tell him it is time to go. I do need him for financial help though. The house and everything are mine. I helped him get some furniture with my card and he is in the process of paying this off.I see how you must feel trapped kind of, but, I think even though you feel trapped, (like I do), maybe life is to short to stick it out with someone that never wants to do anything but drink and smoke. So maybe I should listen to the advise I am giving you and get rid of him too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2005): You are dead-on with your concerns. He's addicted, plain and simple. Right now you are in a struggle and losing battle with the other love of his life-which is the bottle and drugs. You have the issue of "his addictions" clearly in your mind, and he knows it too, but he's in total denial. If he's justifying his addictions, telling you "he's right, you're wrong" you need to ask yourself, what benefit you are getting from holding on to this relationship vs how you can derive even greater benefit by letting go of it. Hun, you can't change the alcoholic but you can change how you deal with them and how they affect your life. Your BF is allowing denial to play a strong role. He's thinking he can control the habit, while in fact he is using more energy and more focus in obtaining the substance and recovering from its effect. How can a woman compete with that...that focus & energy should be on you and building a solid, loving relationship with you. He's made his choice...now you need to make yours.
For him to get into recovery from alcohol or drugs, it will take same courage because he will have to give up a great lifelong friend, his addiction. There is also a tendency to relapse after completion of withdrawal. It is often difficult for people with addiction to get the help that they need, because of the shame they often feel about having the disease.
I don't believe you need to remain this man whose drug use is damaging & distasteful to your relationship. This only serves to depreciate your existence. He's had many years, (since his youth) and 3 marriages to get help and deal with these habits. Being with an addict,who is in denial is more of a burden than you need to endure. Remember, a healthy relationship needs more than love. It lets you feel loved, respected and able to be yourself. You deserve so much more happiness. You have some big decisions to make...I hope you make the best ones that will benefit YOU. Take Care, dear
Hugs, Irish
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A
female
reader, charliesgirl +, writes (11 August 2005):
No, you are not overreacting. Any behaviour which directly effects a person's health, safety or personal relationships is a problem which needs to be addressed. Your boyfriend is obviously aware of your feelings about his substance abuse. He has even promised you he will quit! The fact that he hsan't done so yet suggests two potential things to me:
1) Smoking pot is more important to him than your relationship
2) He is addicted and unable to quit.
Plus, he is making excuses to try and justify his behaviour and lessen the seriousness of the situation. Downing several glasses of wine in quick succession whilst making dinner, for example, is simply not the normal behaviour of somebody who has a healthy relationship with alcohol. I think you are absolutely right to be concerned about his use of alcohol and pot to get high. You state that his work is unaffected, however he is taking enormous risks by driving whilst high. At best, he could lose his licence and potentially his job. At worst, he kill or maim himself or another person whilst high. So I cannot see you can claim that his behaviour does not affect his job.
Unfortunately, there isn't a great deal that you can actually do to make him stop his behaviour. As long as he is in denial about his behaviour to you and himself, there is very little that you can do to change him. From your letter, it is obvious that you have discussed this issue on many occasions at length, and you have obviously made your feelings very clear to him.
You evidently have more experience than most of knowing the signs of drug abuse, and I think you have answered your own question. When you confront him, he tries to shift the attention back on you to avoid addressing his own problems. It's hard to see exactly what you gain from this relaitonship. If being with him is causing you stress, making you feel unappreciated, and most importantly if you do not want to date a man who abuses substances, then you need to have a serious rethink about your relationship with this man. from what you have said, you have given him ample opportunity to change and he has continued with his destructive behaviour.
Good Luck
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reader, becky05 +, writes (11 August 2005):
His drinking habits certainly sound a bit out of control.
If you have told him and you are sure that you dont want to live with a man who smokes pot and drinks to excess and he has not taken any steps to change, then you have to ask yourself if you want to remain in the relationship the way it is.If not, then you have to tell him, if he cant or wont talk about it then maybe it would be wise to end the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Ann +, writes (11 August 2005):
Drug use is jail time and if he get's cought you will go to jail too and you don't need that. You are not over reacting and you are not way off.You need to make a big decision for your self to make you safe and happy. You are number one and that is who you need to think of and look out for don't be enabler for him it's not healthy for you or any one.
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