A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was in a relationship for about two years. It was always very difficult to describe. We were very much in love. When we were together, two people couldn't have been better friends or better partners. We literally completed each other and made each other so happy. But that was the kicker. We would get along so well and be so happy, and then all of a sudden, she would break up with me out of nowhere. This went on for a long time. It would happen about every other month. I shouldn't have kept going back, but I did. I did because when we would get back together, she would tell me how sorry she is and that it was such a huge mistake. And that she regretted it. She would also say that she's messed up and is working on herself to not push those she loves away. And she would say all the right things and things would fall right back into place. We would be incredibly happy and loving again, and then boom! It would happen all over again, just when I least expected it. And it would always seem to be when we had just had a particularly awesome time together, like a vacation away where we connected, etc. So it would literally blind side me. She broke up with me about two weeks ago, saying some hurtful things, once again, right after we'd had a particularly close, bonding experience. It devastated me this time even more than the others. It hurt so deeply because it had gotten to the point where I really thought we were okay and I thought I wanted to marry this girl. So when she did it, it crushed me. I tried to call her for the first two days, but she just ignored me like I don't exist. That hurt incredibly bad. After that, I just gave up and worked towards getting my own closure. Now, after two weeks, I just feel pissed off. I feel so angry she always did this to me and I allowed it. But I also miss her at the same time because I miss the friendship we'd had. I guess anyone have any words of wisdom for letting go of this anger and resentment I'm harboring? I truly believe she displays some symptoms of borderline, with the push-pull dynamic. Anyway, any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 June 2014):
 I have to say I'm sorry. It must be beyond frustrating to date someone and every time things are grand SHE breaks up.
But here is the thing, IF the breaking up is a recurring theme in the relationship then MARRIAGE will not change things.
SHE will not change.
I think getting back over and over is pointless. I also think people "needing" a BREAK from their relationship are being bogus. If you need a break there are things you aren't happy about, but you decide to go back, to basically suck it up because being a lone seems worse. Or starting over is too scary. So better the devil you know.
END it and CUT the contact. NO CONTACT what so ever. REMOVE her from your life. LOOK for a woman who WANTS to be with you. Not someone who wants to be with you here and there.
The question is though, who are you really angry at? HER or yourself? Because let's face it.. you ALLOW her back knowing FULL well that she might end it again and again down the line.
If you are angry at her, then let it go. She might be bipolar/ borderline something. But this IS who she is. She doesn't seem capable of changing.
If you are angry at yourself for taking her back over and over, then LET IT GO. RECOGNIZE this behavior and learn from it. STOP playing the game. STOP taking her back. ACCEPT that YOU can either continue this ridiculous dance or you can walk away.
Being angry and resenting/regretting things rarely does ANY good for anyone. All it does is make you bitter. And bitter people attract other bitter people or end up alone.
Let it go. WANT more for yourself. SHE isn't it. YOu want her to be the sum of ALL her good parts only, she can't BE that woman. She holds some not so great parts too.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 You had been breaking up every month for two years,... and you were thinking of marrying her ?? because she had been " good " a little bit longer this time ? ...
I don't know if your ex is borderline, but it appears to me that you were big part of the problem, insofar you do not seem very capable to set your emotional boundaries and to define your reality within objective, rational parameters, not tinted by wishful thinking or totally drown into instant, short term gratification.
We all are motivated by the search for pleasure, for emotional and physical highs- of course . That's normal. But if you are not able to put these highs within a general, conceptual, wider reference frame....
It's a bit as if you were saying : My mom was wonderful and the best parent one could want... but for the times
she was thrashing me to an inch of my life with a leather strap.
Well, then no, duh, she was not the best parent, she was not even a good parent at all. Had she been any good, she would have found other ways to discipline you.
Or : I had a fantastic boss, very nice , very considerate, it was a pleasure working for him. Sure, thare was this problem that he would never pay me in time and always made me wait 2 or 3 months for my stipends, but..
No but.- Then he was not a nice, considerate boss, he was an exploitative ass...e.
Ditto for your gf / relationship. Who cares that if for the 15 days of her good phase she could make you feel all happy and fuzzy and loved up ?...when she ( and you ) could not substain for any significant period of time a healthy, balanced, projectual ( future oriented ) relationship ?. The high must have been good, no doubt, - but if then they have to be inevitably followed by an inevitable , stressful and horrible low- then that's not even a relationship, it's more like a crack addiction !
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A
female
reader, MSA +, writes (27 June 2014):
 This seems to be pretty common these days... WiseOwlE answered on a similar question from a few days ago.. you may want to read up on it. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/dating-for-9-months-now-shes-decided-that.html
My thought on this is that it can be one of these two reasons:
1 - Insecurity. She knows that you both are very compatible and have great chemistry. She knows what a wonderful relationship you both have. But each time the relationship is at it's best, she wonders if she deserves it, she begins to doubt if it can really be THIS GOOD. She feels vulnerable and she feels scared. She runs away because she's afraid to allow herself to fall so deeply. But then when she's away from you, she realizes how stupid she is for letting go of something so wonderful, then she comes back and the cycle repeats itself over again.
2 - She loves the relationship with you.. but she's not in love with you. Sometimes it can really be this ironic.. you meet a guy and he is so perfect, your relationship (with its ups and downs) is so wonderful, you want so much for him to be THE ONE.. but you know he is not. You try and try to work on it and convince yourself that he IS THE ONE... but you know deep in your heart that he is not. That's tragic.. but might be something she is feeling.
I understand you are upset now and cannot understand what on earth is going on here... and it's normal, it's one of the steps of hurting after breaking up.
Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): I'm going through the same thing. Just broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years about 2 hours ago. He's the same when it comes to push-pull. I finally had enough and let him go. I don't have any words to make you feel better because I'm hurting right now but just know you're not alone. People all over the world are going through what we're going through at this very moment. xx
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