A
female
age
41-50,
Susan Walsh
writes:“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.” Billy Crystal, When Harry Met Sally You. You are smart, you are independent, you are strong. You make your own choices about what you do with your body. When you like a guy, you’re not afraid to show it. Your Plan. You’re looking forward to going out with the girls this weekend. Maybe you’ll meet a new boy. If the time was right, and the boy was right, you could see yourself in a relationship. Maybe not joined at the hip, but still, a best friend boyfriend might be wonderful. You’re ready and hoping it will happen soon. You feel upbeat about the future.The Boy. He is in his sexual prime. Girls are everywhere. His brain is in his penis.His Plan. He has noticed you around and he thinks you’re hot. You’ve never met, but he’s hoping to see you out this weekend with your friends. In fact, there are a bunch of hot girls he’s hoping to run into. He’ll pregame first so that when he runs into you he’ll have his game on. He’s really funny and charming when he’s had a few shots. He’ll be attentive and focused on you all evening. You’ll leave together and go back to his place, where you guys will hook up. He hasn’t scored in a couple of weeks, so it’ll be awesome. He feels upbeat about the weekend.This is the world of hanging out and hooking up. And this is what’s wrong with it: most of the time it’s a bad deal for girls. If you’re a girl who wants to enjoy a boy for one night and never see him again, then go for it. If you are psyched about the idea of making out with him, but you know that you’ll feel DONE once you’ve finished, then dive right in. If you’re horny and you want to screw someone one time, you can have a great time. Because that’s what’s on offer, and that’s exactly what he’s looking for. Next weekend you can do it all over again with someone new if you like. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up randomly if you are getting what you want.But if you feel awkward and kind of confused the morning after a hookup (not to mention hung over), if you tell yourself and your friends it meant nothing, but you’re double-checking your cell phone all weekend, then you need a new plan.He acted like he was really into you, so why doesn’t he call or text? He says he’s really tired of hooking up all the time and he’s looking for a girlfriend, so does that maybe mean you? Next weekend, will you be bummed when you see him all over another girl on the dance floor? Or heading back to another girl’s room? Will you be psyched if he texts at 3 a.m. and asks you to come over? Or maybe he does call, and you guys hook up four Saturday nights in a row. He’s been really sweet and cute and affectionate, and you feel like you’ve really been getting to know each other. Will you be disappointed when on the fifth Saturday he hooks up with someone new? Or when you ask him what your relationship is and he says he’s not looking for a girlfriend?Sound familiar? This stuff happens to girls all the time. It’s the norm, and that sucks. If you find yourself experiencing this kind of disappointment, if you’re tired of feeling like the boy always has the upper hand, then you need to be smarter in the way you hook up with boys. It won’t be easy. You will have to be focused and patient. But you can find the relationship you want on your own terms if you formulate a strategy and execute it like it’s your job.
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You can add your comments or thoughts to this article A
male
reader, LOSTONEla +, writes (26 January 2009):
As a guy I am offended by this behavior - it gives the nice guys less of a chance to prove you wrong. I agree that there are "cherry popper" bastards out there - I would like to kick their asses - but they look for innocent girls to pray on. It is a sport to them - male chauvinist pigs - unfortunately, it is passed off as "you have to kiss a few toads before you find a prince". More girls should be taught to look for the real signs of love - and to hold out for them. Instread, many families do not teach their kids to protect their hearts - and when the risk is taken - the girl is hurt. What is worse, is when that girl finally meets "Mr Right" - he is not going to be too thrilled to hear about all the stupid mistakes of having sex with the wrong guy. The nice guys want a nice girl - not a double standard - just a match of morales. So this is not just a short term problem - it can have a very big effect on the future of a relationship if it is not delt with properly.
A
female
reader, Susan Walsh +, writes (7 January 2009):
Susan Walsh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSuch a great conversation! Thanks for the feedback. Yos, you and I are totally on the same page. Evolutionary Psychology may not be PC, but I find it absurd to pretend that men and women would pursue the same mating strategies. I think it's GREAT to teach psych in sex ed - that would make such a difference here. Can't wait to check out the Times article. For anyone who is interested, I blog about this topic at www.HookingUpSmart.com.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2009):
 Thank you for that thoughtful analysis, Yos. I rather felt the same way, but I couldn't put it as well as you did. I also didn't want to be labeled sexist. ;)
And the article is really eye-opening as well. One statistic that leapt out at me was the percentage of sexually active youth using contraception. The Dutch were above 90%, while the UK showed 53%. I think I've heard similar low numbers for the US, but I would have to find the article with the data. Scary, isn't it?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (7 January 2009):
 "I have to ask if the article would still be effective if the genders were reversed?"
No, not at all. Males and females have different 'mating' strategies based on our biology. Put simply: women exhibit generally more cautious behaviour because sex and pregnancy carry a much higher risk and 'potential investment' than for men.
If men were the ones that got pregnant and were the generally the primary care-givers to children then the effect would be reversed, because men would be carrying the majority of the 'risk'.
There are of course many exceptions to the rule, this is a general case only. For instance, evolutionary psychologists tell us that in cases where women do not expect to gain the 'full time parental investment' of one male, their mating strategy changes to be promiscuous so as to secure the partial investment of as many males as possible. This is a legitimate biological strategy and explains the connection between low self esteem and promiscuity in women. If you can't get one guy all the time, get as many as possible guys some of the time.
None of this stuff is very politically correct I admit, but then evolutionary psychology tends not to be. I should add that there is no moral dimension to this: no behaviour is justified as 'better or worse' than others because of our biology. Those types of discussion belong in a different realm altogether.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 January 2009):
Yes Tisha, the boys get plenty of 'how to behave' sex education too. Most of the stuff is in dutch, so not much point in uploading. But there was a good article about it in the Times recently:
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/the_way_we_live/article5208865.ece
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 January 2009):
Interesting point that Yos made about the sexual psychology. Yos, does the education also extend to the 'player'/'lover-boy' types, as in, try to keep them from hurting other people? I'm just curious about that. Is there a website perhaps that you could steer us too?
And thank you for a thought-provoking article, Susan. I think it is a good thing to remind people that if you really want a relationship, it's not necessarily the best idea to have a casual sex thing as the starting point.
And of course, most men aren't in it just for sex, but I have to ask if the article would still be effective if the genders were reversed? Perhaps, but maybe that opposite scenario is a smaller percentage of what happens in real life? Who knows? I'm not on college campuses, so I can't really be sure.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (7 January 2009):
Very well put. True, accurate and unfortunate for women.
"He acted like he was really into you, so why doesn’t he call or text?"
I think you answered that clearly and accurately. A guy can act 'really into you' on Saturday night for a specific reason. The reason he's not still really into you the next day is because he got what he wanted.
One thing I like about living where I live (the Netherlands) is that sex education for kids focusses on issues like this: ie sexual psychology, not just biology. For example, girls are taught about 'lover-boys' (ie 'players') who flirt and act interested but just want sex. No surprise that the dutch lose their virginity later than the Brits or Americans, and have a much lower incidence of teenage pregnancies and STDs.
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A
female
reader, Susan Walsh +, writes (7 January 2009):
Susan Walsh is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry you find the content sexist - that is not my intention. The scenario described above is very typical on an American college campus. I don't believe men and women are the same; I believe there is extensive research that shows that men naturally desire sex with a variety of partners, and women desire sex with a favored male. If women want relationships (and the great majority of them do), then they need to limit the supply of No Strings Attached sex, because only 12% of hookups develop into relationships.
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A
male
reader, tamashck  +, writes (6 January 2009):
 I wont say much, except that i find this quite sexist. The age-old phrase "Men are only after one thing" is thrown about a lot, but in reality for most men it just isnt true.Why is it women are allowed to be sexist, but men arent?
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