A
female
age
,
*iminacloud
writes:I have fallen totally in love with my 1st cousin and he feels the same but he feels he cant move forward with me because of the word cousin,we have always had a special bond between us and have only just recently meet up at a relatives funeral after 30 years and from there on we had fallen hook line and sinker i know he wants nothing more in the world than to be with me but says he has to be strong and move on as its not right.He is now backing off after being so full on he says he needs time to sort things out in his head when he told me he loved me and has done all his life he was nt expecting me to feel the same but i have never felt love like im feeling it right now im willing to risk everything for him what shall i do [added from same user]Is it legal for first cousins to live together and have a sexual relationship im age 49 and he is 54 are children have all left home and not wanting anymore...
View related questions:
cousin, move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2008): I agree with those who say you should pursue a relationship with your cousin, since you feel like you are in love with him, and it appears he feels the same way about you. You are both grown-up, mature people, and are free to make your own decisions about your life. I would just check the laws in your country to see if it's legal for you to marry each other. For now, pursue the relationship and see where it goes from there. Like the old saying goes, you can't help who you fall in love with, and love conquers all. Best of luck to you.
A
female
reader, Estifany +, writes (29 July 2008):
There are a lot of people in other countries (the middle east, india, etc) that think it is perfectly natural to be with your cousin. they actually encourage it. Keep it in the family. Its not like you guys grew up together. And just think about it, anyone could meet someone in the streets, get together, have kids and not even know that they are related. Does this make it wrong? When Adam and Eve were the first people to inhabit the earth, how did they populate the world with just two people? Someone had to sleep with a brother or sister.
But seriously in your case I think that you should just be with each other, not everyone is so lucky. Stop worrying about what everyone thinks. But don't tell anyone that you are cousins (not that you should be ashamed, but just that it isn't anyone else's business but yours.) Be happy
...............................
A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (29 July 2008):
 It can be frowned upon by society but happens more often than we know about. Just dont tell people you are cousins to avoid the reaction you will probably get.
There is a higher risk of having children with birth defects but I get the impression you dont want to have any together anyway as you have arelady had your family.
I think you have to be prepared to face prejudice and discrimination from friends and family but if you truly feel he is your soul mate then its your decision, talk to him again and see if he is willing to make a go of it x
...............................
A
male
reader, ChiRaven  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 The two of you are certainly old enough by now that you are no longer in the "crushes on cousins" stage that many adolescents go through. A lot of young people find cousins convenient because one of the really hardest parts of a relationship, getting to know the other person, has already been taken care of. But if you're still in love after all these years it's certainly not just that kind of a situation.
And these sorts of things can work out very well. I know one very good couple who are first cousins. To make matters more interesting in their case, she never bothered to divorce her husband ... the two of them are technically still married, and still see one another at events involving their grown children and their grandchildren. The cousins meanwhile are very happy, living a totally different life in a totally different part of the country.
As the song says, if you don't take the plunge then you'll just take the fall. The two of you can't do this any younger than now, so why waste any more time? You're denying yourselves the satisfaction of a relationship that you've pretty much determined is right for you. You've probably got a job ahead of you convincing your cousin that this relationship is really OK, but point out to him that in fact even marriage between the two of you would be legal and that you both know you're right for one another and always have.
Oh, and obviously you needn't wear a sign advertising the fact that the two of you are cousins. Some people of your acquaintance will know, of course, but both of you will probably feel more comfortable if this does NOT become a topic of general conversation. If you don't bring it up, and you ignore it, then very shortly anyone else who might say something about it will lose interest and stop talking about it, too. As far as anyone is concerned you'll just be like any other couple, because that's what, in fact, you are.
...............................
A
female
reader, emzy_lou +, writes (29 July 2008):
 If two people love each other then I can't see why they shouldn't be together, and that goes for you aswell! It doesn't matter what people think aslong as your happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, masterofdestiny999 +, writes (29 July 2008):
 I'm gonna tell you this flat out. Yes, it is ok. Doesn't matter at all who you find love with. Sometimes, you just happen to find a soulmate within family. I say this because........I am in a similar situation. I have knowledge on this sort of thing because of that particular reason. I personally found a soulmate with my twin sister. Notice how I do not post this question as anonymous. I am not ashamed to admit it openly. Yes, for sometime, you may be hated by your friends and family, but if you truly love each other, that will not matter. Love can be with ANYONE you choose sweetheart. It's that simple. My love is not as simple as yours. Since she is my twin sister, we must change our names. (which we have done. Mine is Snake Foxhound and her name is Mimi Shifter) Also, we have begun moving to another state. But, in short, it's ok to love whomever you choose. Plain and simple.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2008): Hey,
I've kind of had a somewhat similar situation to you. I left my country of birth and all of my family at about 9 years old to move to the US. When I returned at the age of 16, I met my cousin. I remember him when he was young and he was very small and tiny and never paid attention to him other than my cousin, but when I was him 7 years later, he was this tall, handsome, very secure, mature man. I couldnt help but fall head over heels for him and he felt the same way (of course, it was slightly different for us because we never had that family bond since we never grew up together -- I know we're related, but other than that I feel no family connection). I left and couldnt stop thinking about it and kept going back for many many years. Finally, several years later we decided to "purse" things further to see how it would go. It didnt go.
I realize my situation is different because we are in different countries, we're much younger and immature, I never really grew up around him and didnt see him often, but afterwards I realized that the a BIG part of the attraction was the forbidden love aspect. I mean, when you're in love with him right now you dont think thats a part it, but its a very big truth that people want things that they can't have, and when you already have strong feelings for someone, I think that that little psychological trick just drives the flames of passion even more to the point of driving you nuts. And then after you get it.. its not necessarily going to be that great esp with everything you're going to have to deal with from everyone else.
So my advice to you would be to handle it very carefully -- go slow, date him like you would date any other guy -- for three or four or five months or whatever before you make any decisions at all, become very in touch with your feelings to make sure this is exactly what you want because going back is going to be very hard and maybe even pursue other men to see that you have other options than your cousin. And while you're doing all of this, keep it private. You dont want the rest of the world interfering while you're trying to decide.
...............................
A
female
reader, Angela.B +, writes (29 July 2008):
 In the UK nothing you are proposing is illegal. You could live together, have a sexual relationship, have children (though that isn't relevant for you) and get married. In fact everything any other man and a woman who fall in love can do.
Of course, just because something is legal doesn't always make it sensible and that could be what is concerning him. I am not saying that it isn't sensible because I don't know enough about your situation but I am sure you can imagine that in some families it would cause problems with other family members, for example.
As for what should you do, the answer is communicate. Find out what things are bothering him and discuss them. If he is bothered about how other family members would react then you can talk about how you could deal with that as a couple, and so on. Don't pressurise him if he needs a little space to work things out (after all, he might take a few days to think about things and decide he wants to be with you) but make sure he knows that you understand that there are things you need to discuss because your relationship is slightly unusual and that you both want and need to talk about them too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Yes, it's legal in the UK for first cousins to live together, to have a sexual relationship, and to marry if they wish.
I don't see why it should be a problem for either of you, and if anyone else doesn't like it that's their problem, not yours!
...............................
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (29 July 2008):
 Hi hun
Interesting question. Before responding here I took a quick perusal of the internet which is what I suggest you do. In the States for example about half of the states permit it. In Canada, it is permitted I believe.
Interesting, from what I read the evidence that you run the risk of having children with disabilities ect CAN be overrated. However you mention that you are 49 and your cousin is 54 so I think we can safely take that factor out of the equation.
From what I read, I believe it is above board to marry your cousin in the uk.
Relationships with cousins can be interesting. It is not as close as siblings but can be a lifelong bond. A lot of the 'getting to know you' stuff has already been done. It is a famial relationship though. Not to be judgemental, but is there the possibility that it might feel a bit 'odd' at times for this reason...not saying it would..just playing devils advocate.
In some cultures, marrying your cousin is the norm because it fosters closer family ties and keeps financial assets within the family.
If this is love and it is free and clear...I wish you both the best. I would take a bit of a cooling off period to make sure it is true blue before you proceed. I would do your research into the medical implications as well...just to be on the safe side. Relationships are hard enough as it is which is why same sex unions or interracial unions have additional stress. I would include this situation with the above. It could be a little rocky for you.
Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, Wulfgrimm +, writes (29 July 2008):
Well, persoanlly I think that you two should go for it. Who is sociaty to tell us who we can and can't love? Love is not something that we make, we can't understand it. As long as its with in the law who cares what others think?
You are both at a point in your lives where you really shouldnt care what people think. You love each other, make it happen its as simple as that.
...............................
|
