A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I don't think its fair how the woman who played a part in my relationship stresses, gets to have her happy relationship. She now has a partner and child and is getting married.I have my child and home but harbour the anger towards her and my fiance still. It makes me so mad because she was the instigator in the cheating.He was drunk, she was a friend, knew he had a partner.He had gone to bed in a spare room and she decided to come in and slide into the bed. He didn't say no!He told me straight away and we have dealt with it ever since. Meanwhile she has moved on, not a consequence and has a happy family, looking like this wonderful person in a small community. I will live with this always. I dont know how to get over it. I have no closure with her on her part. I can barley deal with it with my partner. I want to understand her not him because thats what i'm having trouble with. I don't need to be told it's his fault, she didn't cheat on you etc. Heard it already. Two to tango, fairs fair. She knew he had a partner her actions created something too.Thanks xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2011): You have no closure with her because you do not have a relationship with her....Granted an apology would be nice but all you are thinking of is revenge and this more than anything will destroy 'you'.....Saying she was the instigator makes it look like you are allotting the larger blame to her...sorry hun, despite the fact that she did wrong you the much much larger blame is with your fiance...affairs area symptom of the problem in a relationship....Perharps you would like her to grovel t you everytime she sees you , but it does change the fact that the problem in the relationship was with your fiance....So what if she was drunk too?? She made an error and she may actually deeply regret what happened has picked herself up and move on away from him....No one knows for sure all the true circumstances but the two of them abd by the way you only heard his half of the story...What if you find out it was actually your fiance that instigated everythin..What then??....
As you try to excuse your fiance for being drunk, then if it wasnt her that night, it could have been anyone other girl and he still wouldnt have said no......
Work on your relationship if you wish to continue and in time you will heal....
A
female
reader, Jen1689  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Your anger towards her is irrational and misplaced. How do I know? I go through the same torment with my partner's ex. She has no direct part in my relationship other than the fact that she's a terrible person and treated my fiance VERY badly. She's also hurt his sister, his friends, and even me. My fiance mentioned his ex a lot at the beginning of our relationship. He would compare me to her often, but in a good way. He would say that "I am so much for suited for him" and that "I am so much more enjoyable to be around" and that "he can completely trust me like he never could with her". All of that made me feel good at first, but then it just got to be insulting. He would also bring up stories of her cheating on him or fighting with him or being over-dramatic whenever we'd be watching a movie, or walking down the street, or having lunch. These stories got mentioned so often that I soon began thinking of her at all times, with every word my fiance said to me, and with absolutely no prompting whatsoever. I became obsessed with knowing about her, and how she had hurt my partner, and how he still thought about it. He was over her for sure, and you couldn't pay him to ever talk to her again, but it still ate away at me.When she and my fiance dated, they were both very young (she: 15-17; he: 18-20). She was heavy into drugs, alcohol, and sex. She cheated on my fiance numerous times. She started drama out of nowhere just to fight with him. She lied to him day-in and day-out about getting clean. She was going to AA meetings at the age of 16. She threatened suicide on him to scare him out of ever leaving her. And when he finally ended it for good, she sliced her arm open with a knife. Not even a month later, she was pregnant with another guy's baby.Present day: I've met this girl in person after over a year of stalking her Facebook, her MySpace, etc. Despite the fact that my fiance hated/hates her, and despite the fact that she's burned a lot of bridges, she seemed very down-to-earth. Someone I could get along with. Like she had made a complete change from who she was when my fiance dated her. I was very wrong. She's still into drugs and drinking and partying all the time. The father of her child has left her and has a house with another girl. She's twenty now with a two-year old son. She's been in a couple relationships, but has been dumped from each one.I look at her and think: How can she be so happy? After everything she's done, and after everything she's been through, how can she be doing so well when I'm the insecure mess? But the truth is: she's not happy. She's still the way she was, hurting and manipulating everyone around her into seeing what she wants them to see because she's very insecure, and will be paying for her actions all throughout her life because she doesn't want to own up to them.I'm not going to tell you to get over it. I've been told that for the past two years, and it doesn't help, nor does it stop the emotions. This girl that your fiance cheated on you with is not a good person. As his friend, knowing he had a partner, she should have been the one stopping the mistake, not helping to cause it. But what you've got to realize is that she's not letting it affect her right now, but she'll pay for it one day. No good deed goes unnoticed, and no bad deed goes unpunished.I still wonder sometimes why the girl my fiance was with on-and-off for two years isn't being outright punished for her actions, and if she is, why she's not suffering for it. Appearances can be deceiving. Just because this girl your fiance cheated on you with is getting married and has a baby with another man doesn't mean she's happy. Ever wonder why there's a child in the picture before the ring? Maybe they've decided it's the best move given they're circumstances. He might not even be CHOOSING to be with her, but is staying for the sake of the child. After my fiance's ex got pregnant, she was engaged for about a year, but her fiance dumped her (twice), and left her staying at his parent's place while he got a home with another girl. And like someone else mentioned, who knows if this child is actually his. She obviously doesn't have a problem helping others to cheat, I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem cheating on her partner.The bigger thing you need to be concerned about in this scenario is the fact that you can't get over your fiance's cheating. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. Just as my obsession with my fiance's ex has nothing to do with her. It's all about my insecurities and my lack of self-esteem, but I'm trying to focus on a different issue, and find the answers where honestly they can't be found. Have to really forgiven your partner for his actions? You say you get angry at him now for what happened. What do you think is going to happen down the line when you're married and are looking to have children of your own, but then this thing pops into your head? Will it be worth it?Cheating is cheating is cheating is cheating. I don't care what excuses you want to make for his behavior, but understand that it was wrong, and it probably made you feel like you have to compete with this girl in some sense. Like he wanted her over you, if only for a moment in drunken stupidity. Maybe you feel like you have to beat her in other aspects of life as well, and prove that she deserves to suffer while you live happily with your fiance, because she made you suffer by causing this issue in your otherwise perfect relationship. You need to analyze where this anger is coming from. This anger for a girl who, yes played a part in the incident, but didn't cause the incident to happen entirely.Really sit back and take some time to analyze what seeing her suffer would do for you. If her fiance were to leave her tomorrow and she were a single parent living on the streets, what would that do for you and your fiance? Nothing. It wouldn't change the fact that he cheated, and it wouldn't change the fact that her life is not at all a part of yours. I'm not judging you, believe me. I've been where you are only worse in terms of irrational thoughts. If you need to talk to someone who's been there and is still (somewhat) struggling, feel free to message me. Take care, and good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Sorry ,false start :)
I think you may be transferring all your anger and resentment onto this woman because you are unwilling and unable to face the anger and resentment you feel against HIM, and if you'd admit it or let it all come out, that would fracture the relationship.
Sure, you have already been told it's his fault, he is the one who cheated on you, - but it must all have gone over your head , because you don't register a simple fact :
while hitting on a taken man may be objectionable as much as you want, still this woman was no friend or relative of yours and had no moral obligation to be loyal to you. Your fiance' did ! The origin of the world fiance'
comes from "fiance" that means faithfulness,loyalty. A fiance' is someone who has sworn his loyalty to you.
You insist on the fact that she knew he was not single, but, really, what difference does it make ?. Suppose she had slided in his bed totally unaware of his relationship status - would he have stopped her ? The bad thing here is not that there is a woman who does not respect boundaries, it's that there is a guy who can't resist temptations !
He was drunk, you say. So ? For all you know, she could have been drunk too. Would you excuse her if this had been the case ? No ? Then do not find excuses for him either .
I am not egging you on to be angry at him forever, in fact, try to deal with this constructively, if he has repented and regained your trust and behaved irreproachably since then, perhaps it's a forgive and forget situation. Put this to rest and just consider what happens from now on.
But if you feel there are unresolved issues, unsaid things, unexpressed feelings.... it's with him that you have to deal the issues, not with her !
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A
female
reader, Full moon temptress1  +, writes (12 March 2011):
Chances are if she got into bed with your partner so readily,she will do it again.I don't think you should waste anymore time on this woman.The best thing you can do is move on and try and build your relationship up again with your partner.If you can't maybe you should split,its not fair on your child if you keep hanging on to this anger.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2011):
I
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): ORIGINAL POSTER
I also love it how others can just say get over it. Obviously it affected me and I would love to not feel like this. Easier said then done.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): ORIGINAL POSTER
He never just blamed her, he knows his faults to. I stayed because he was very honest about it. He was himself tormented about what he had done, just within himself. I guess I want to understand, then maybe my anger wont just sit there waiting for an answer. Growing & Growing. My partner has been the brunt of my anger. Toady there are actions that I have done out of anger that he has put up with alot. Where as she, a woman I have never met, got to make an impact in my life so huge & I hate her for it.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (12 March 2011):
 She did a bad thing. She made a mistake.
Get over it.
She has nothing to do with you or your relationship now, so either you can choose to rise above it and move on or let it pointlessly consume you. There is no closure in a situation like this.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 March 2011):
 Why the need to understand her? It wont change things, nor is it important. Really. It wont make the difference in the world, so tell yourself what you want to make you feel better, tell yourself she's a whore and a lowlife and stupid or whatever it takes. Everyone would probably agree. But that doesn't make the facts go away, or make the situation easier to live with.
Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship? Are you sure you want to get married to a man who has cheated on you? You will always have this in the back of your mind, and you're not taking the cheating well. No one would, I guess, but some find it in them to move on. Can you see yourself move on from this, and be truly happy with your fiance?
You're not married to him yet. Don't marry him either until you are over him cheating on you. If you don't think you'll get over it then don't marry him at all, and move on to someone else.
Cheating is for many a deal breaker. There is no excuse for cheating, and he can blame the woman all he wants, and you blame her as well. But temptations will always arise in life, and sneaky people will appear in your life and there will be more whores throwing themselves at him, or at you (there's plenty man whores out there), and if you can't take a stand for yourself then this will happen again.
As for the woman though... don't try to think that her life is all roses and flowers. It's only what you see on the outside. You do not know how she's really doing, for all you know she could be getting married to an abuser, or she's an alcoholic, or there's financial problems, or the baby is someone else's and not her fiancé's. Thinking of how easily she drops into someone's bed the child could easily be someone else's actually. If that makes you feel better just think about how the grass is always greener on the other side, and she's just as likely going through hell right now as she's living the dream life. You never know. Best thing to do is just say "screw her" and go do your own thing and worry about your own life. Like is you REALLY should marry this man of yours.
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