A
female
age
41-50,
*horty2002
writes:The man I am with treats me very well, and treats my 7 year old kid just the way I would want a step parent to treat her, but there is no heat in our relationship anymore and I am SOOO infatuated with a guy I used to work with and constantly see him around town and think VERY bad thoughts about anyone BUT my fiance. I don't gel with my fiance's family at all because I find them all very dry and unhappy. An event from a couple years ago REALLY sticks out in my head where my fiance should have stuck up for me but didn't.His bro told me to "shut the f* and ^up"for no reason and my fiance never stuck up for me. That night haunts me because I know I would have stepped in if my sis had said that to my fiance.The wedding is so close and I know I love this guy but why do I keep focusing on reasons why the wedding shouldn't happen when the date is so close and there is a kid involved and I know the right thing to do for my and my kids future????? Which is to marry this stable and loving man with few faults. There is hardly any passion or heat in him and I don't want to send him to the curb, I know I should try to draw out his character
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female
reader, shorty2002 +, writes (20 May 2011):
shorty2002 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the feed back. I know I need to sit down with him and tell him the things that are bothering me. He isn't the type to freak out. In fact, we have never had any sort of real fight. Its just hard to bring up these subjects and say what is really in my mind. I love the way I can see I make him feel, I love the idea of him. It stings when the honeymoon phase is long over, but I know there are ways to keep things hot in a long term relationship, and I'm hoping I can get through to him how important a good sex life is in a relationship. We are monogamous and I never want that to change. I guess this ties into the whole "marriage is work" quote.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Well, I don't think a ring on your finger will solve your feelings or the problems you are having at the moment.
You need to figure out what you WANT/NEED from your Fiancee to make it happen or not. Deal with it now. Talk to him.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 You should be listening to that little voice inside your head. And don't marry someone just for stability for your child; that isn't fair to anyone. You don't sound like you love this person. Can you postpone the wedding for now? And talk to your fiance, tell him of all your concerns. Maybe you can improve things with him. But don't marry him feeling the way that you do at present.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (19 May 2011):
 Do you love him?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2011): I feel you should try and make sure that you are making the right decision. By going to see a good counsellor. I understand how you feel and am yet to decide if I will marry. Seeing as you are looking for a marriage, it will not hurt to make sure this is going to be the best for you and your wee girl. All the best - don't leap into anything if you have doubts.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 May 2011):
 This is such a difficult situation to be in and I can understand the conflict within you right now. OP, marriage is a lifetime commitment. Its with a person whom we love and are ready to share our ENTIRE life with. We build a home with them. Do you honestly, really think you can fulfill all of this? Do you really think you can build a happy home for yourself and your child and grow old with this man? He might be wonderful with you, and your kid, and you might love him because there's no reason to not love him, but if the spark is missing and you are infatuated with another guy at this stage, these are HUGE warning signals to NOT get married. This might just be the best decision you take.
You are right in thinking that there is a child involved who needs a father figure and a stable home, but if you yourself are not 100% happy, can the child be happy? What if you cannot get along with this man in a few years? His family is already unpleasant. Would it be right for your child to grow up in such an environment? At times its better to not get into something when there is even an atom of doubt involved, than get into it and regret later. If you had that spark, that magic, that connection with this guy, the infatuation with the other man wouldnt have happened. Can you survive a marriage which has no passion? Why should you? To ensure stability? Well on pen and paper, you would be stable, but will you be happy with just that?
OP if this man is a good guy and a friend, he will understand. Tell him that you are not ready for this and you probably never will be. Dont get into a marriage with any doubts in mind. Its still not too late, you're not yet married. Find someone who you really want to be with, as opposed to someone you should be with.
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