A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Alright, so yeah I'm 15, if you're not going to take this seriously because of my age I'd suggest you just flat out don't read this.So I've been dating my girlfriend for coming up on 15 months now, awesome, but not really. I met the girl and we started dating after about a month. She is an only child of a single [alcoholic] young mother. She has no father figure in her life, so she essentially fits all of those daddy issue girl stereotypes. Wonderful girl, she just struggles to get it. After about 6 months were she tried to be everything I she though I wanted her to be ( She did a pretty good job at it too) a lot of things just started falling apart.She has a bad history with boys (hookups which she now deeply regrets where she gave all but her virginity away)which were due to her acceptance issues, which for a long while I was unaware of ( call me stupid if you want. We live on seperate sides of town, so I generally don't see her around others at all). So anyways, little did I know that in the months where I thought everything was all fine and dandy she is hitting on all the macho douches she can find to feel accepted. She has the reputation of a desperate slut at her school. After months when I apparently finally proved my worth to her, she started to open up a bit more. So this stuff all comes to light, great. I love this girl to death and I told her I was there to help her with all these problems of hers every step of the way. She "pours her heart out" to me almost everynight for the whole summer, and I was always there to help her out.Where's the problem here? We sound like we're doing alright, right?Problem is she was always "testing" me. Trying to make me jealous, saying horrible things, rubbing in her past hookups and constantly reminding me of them just to say if I'd stay. She just treating me horribly. I honestly have no idea why I stayed. I love the girl to death though, and wouldnt be able to see her fall apart like that. After quite possibly the shittiest september/october ever where she tried to get me jealous at every turn, hit on guys relentlessly at school and even massaged some douche's shoulders in front of me ( and he is a big problem causer in her life, just for the record) things somehow finally started looking up. Despite everything she put me through, and how terribly she treated me she legitimately started to get over everything. She started to get over her past, get over her dependancy on assholes, started to treat me better. The whole bit, and this time it wasn't a lie.So here we are in February, doing much better. I'm awfully proud of her. 'Cept now everything that happened is starting to take its toll on me. I know its over, and I know it doesn't happen anymore but just the thought that she was doing all these things behind my back just hurts so much. ( I also know its not because she's a bitch but because of her acceptance issues and all that. She didnt want to be herself and whatnot because she was scared I'd be like all the others guys and just use her and leave her). I now struggle with the thoughts of what she did before we met ( she was my first everything, just by the way. And no, we have not had sex), the thoughts of everything she did while we were dating and worry about whether or not I will be able to get over it. She apologizes profusely and seems to be absolutely torn apart by her own actions. Im sick of talking about it, im sick of being angry about it and I'm just sick in general of thinking about it in anyway shape or form. I also worry that if we break up she turn right back into her old self again, and I wouldnt be able to stand myself if that happened to her. I know this was more of a story than a question, but Im just looking for help in any way. It'd be much appreciated
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male
reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (21 February 2011):
 On the one hand you have taken on a lot. On the other hand I think you can handle a lot because your post is articulate and shows you truly care. Rest assured, age has nothing to do with this."Despite everything she put me through". How about looking at this as everything you two went through together?"how terribly she treated me she legitimately started to get over everything". This tells me she has finally trusted someone. It aint pretty but hey, you were there for her and that's what counts."if we break up she turn right back into her old self again". This is a very real possibility.Going forward I would suggest getting in touch with Alanon or Alateen. I would also suggest controlling your thoughts meaning when you remember things just say to yourself the two of you dealt with them and they are over and done with.She needed someone to finally trust in her life and she picked you. This is huge. I wish the two of you every success and happiness going forward!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): So due to the fact that I posted this anonymously, I'm responding anonymously. Awesome.Thanks a lot for the advice so far. I just want to clarify that I have told her that I'm proud of her. I have told her that I'm over her past (I essentially am, the thoughts hurt me sometimes, but I'm alright. It's not my fault, she didn't know we'd meet and was desperate for the acceptance).She knows I'm sick of talking about it, she is too. She knows that I want to let it go and all that. I'm just really struggling to deal with what she did behind my back. I'm trying to get over everything, but it's proving very difficult.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 First,i think you two need to be more realistic, in terms of, theres no New gf and Old gf, it's the same girl. Both of you need to accept where she's been and what she's done and if you two did break up and she goes back to her old ways, that's her choice, that's been her coping mechanism, which is not a good thing but you shouldn't take it as an insult to you. It seems like you are a good stabilizing force in her life and she's settled down and knows not to play those games anymore--that's really great. but I also would make sure you try to expose her to other positive forces besides yourself, maybe your group of friends, or do some other less intimate activites so that she doesn't become overly emotional dependent on you and because are totally absorbed by fixing her, but what about your feelings? I'm sure she knows it hurt you. Is there anything YOU can identify as something you two can work on so that you fully trust her again? Sometimes, girls like to make sure their guys know that they're a catch, that they're wanted by others therefore you should want them more, kind of an insecure way of trying to be cocky. weelll, it seems i've told a story instead of answer, too. I hope something in here helps though.
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hmmmmmm, my suggestion was going to be to talk things through with her, but it seems that you have done that already and are sick of doing it.
So, i don't know how you would feel about doing this...
Buy 2 chinese lanterns from the internet (you may need to ask a parent to borrow their card - but you can get them fairly cheap from places like ebay) and suggest to you girlfriend that the two of you go to an open area one night and set off these lanterns. Explain to her that the lanterns symbolise your pasts and that you are letting them fly off into the world, ready to start fresh again.
You have stood by her through thick and thin, make sure she knows this and you two can spend a moment just watching 'the past' fly off into the sky.
Then truly start fresh again. She appears to have changed her ways. Tell her you are so proud of her for the person she has become now and giving this praise and encouragement when necessary. If she knows that you appreciate her more for how she is now, she'll be less likely to go back to her old ways.
Good luck :)
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A
female
reader, TrustInYou +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Dear...you,
Tell her what you wrote, about the whole "I'm sick of talking about it". Tell her you love her for who she is now. That was then and this is now. Tell her to forget the bad days. For God's sake, it's a new year. Time for change. Time to forget.
~ The one and only,
TrustInYou
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