A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been together over two years. We have had a lot of good times and not so good times. I am expected to be submissive and I try hard but it’s not always easy. Sometimes he gets mad over small things. It wouldn’t bother me but it’s the way he handles things when he’s angry. He will ignore me , if I call he will decline my call. He won’t message or nothing. So it’s difficult for me as I am a nurturing woman. I have told him that his ignoring me and sometimes saying bad things to me. These arguments start over minor things. I could simply say oh is your friend taking his wife out for Valentine’s Day ? He will say, what is that your business ? Then he goes on and on. To me it’s just conversation. Any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (25 April 2019):
 Why did you marry him? You don’t seem to be on the same page in many aspects of life.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2019): Hi I’m the OP. Thank you all for your advice.
I would like to state that I’m Christian and he is Muslim he does expect my to be obedient. We are an interracial couple as well. I’m Caucasian.
He does tell me he loves me and if I’m sick he takes care of me. He can be very caring. Today for example he snapped again over something small. If I don’t do things his way then he barks loudly, then ignores me. I find the ignoring difficult because I always want to fix things but I do respect his wishes and leave him alone until he’s ready to communicate. He says my questions are useless, foolish, and dumb. That makes me shy away from asking anything. I feel communication is so important and it hurts to be talked down to. He expects a lot from me and I do my best and that’s all I can do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2019): I think the term "submit to your husband" only means to try and be agreeable when what he does what is intended for the good of the family, and your marriage. What is done in God's eyes, that is considered righteous. It means sex is not withheld and used as a weapon to manipulate or punish your partner. It does not mean you let him rape or force you; when you don't want it, or when you are mentally or physically incapable of consent. He only deserves good for good. Nothing less.
When he is properly assuming his role as a father, provider, and head of household; it is with your approval. You're still his equal. Decisions and changes have to be run-by you; and your opinions and input are as important as his. He doesn't have all the answers and he doesn't know everything. That is why he took on a wife. She is his mate and partner.
This concept has been misinterpreted and twisted in religious terms. There are also times when the husband is taking charge; and he needs backup...conflicting opinions are counterproductive and chaotic in the midst of a serious crisis. Submissiveness in other cultures means subservience, obedience, and total-surrender to his will; no matter how terrible it is. Oh, but that isn't going to fly here in the United States. God never required that anyway!
In all fairness to him, if you're petty and passive-aggressive; you'll start a lot of bickering. Every-time he barks you're jumpy and feel bullied. It depends on when you come at him. After-work when he's tired. When you see he's in a foul-mood. Maybe sometimes you feel ignored; so you like to pick fights to cause commotion, because at least it's getting some kind of attention.
Many biblical passages are twisted or condensed down from the full passage; only to get the juicy part that is self-serving. The Bible says one thing, and paraphrased-scripture is used out of context; because people don't read the full verse. Just what they need to get their way; or to justify their evil-doing.
It's up to you, if you feel being submissive means total compliance; or agreeing with whatever your husband wants. You have to use your own judgment and common-sense when and how to work as partners. You are considered as "one" when you are married. That doesn't mean 1.5! You being the half!
You have small arguments. That often comes from stress, incompatibility, and underlying-problems that both parties hide from each other. Inability to effectively communicate.
Instead, they pick at each other; and gnaw on each others nerves. The reasoning being "if I'm not happy, you're not going to be happy either!
Two people secretly resenting each other; but never discussing exactly what they have a bee up their butts about! He likes being in a position of authority; but abuses power. You've probably chosen a dominant male-type. Much too dominant and aggressive for your timid-personality. Now you don't know what to do with him. You feel helpless and powerless under his omnipotent authority. He yells and snaps at you all the time. He's rarely affectionate or sweet.
Aggressive-men tend to gravitate towards passive, dainty, or extra-feminine type women; but they grow irritated with what they consider whiny or nagging-behavior. They want adoration and to be pampered. He's the man, and you're the "weaker-sex!" You need him for his strength and toughness.
They get mad when she's weepy and fragile. Then why did he choose that female-type in the first place? Some women seek aggressive and super-macho guys; because they think that's the definition of masculinity. They think his aggressive behavior will protect them. He'll fight and defend her physically. They're looking for a macho-bodyguard.
The problem is, these dudes never turn it off; and practice their aggression and bullying towards women. You picked an "extra-manly" type for a husband. He's all yours for as long as you can stand him! What can anybody here tell you to do about somebody we've never met? We haven't received his side of the story. Our opinions are pure speculation. Hopefully one or all of us will hit the mark!
You apparently can't talk to him. Your conversation-starters easily pisses him off. You ask questions with hidden or coded underlying-meaning; and he suspects you're criticizing him in a passive-aggressive way. Passive-aggression is just as annoying and unsettling as aggressive or intimidating behavior.
It almost seems you're both polar-opposites! Two years into this mismatch; you're now reaching a place where you can't much handle it anymore. You've become opinionated, and want to exercise a little power in your marriage. He's resistant; because he's used to being the boss.
If you have something on your mind. Be direct. Beating around the bush; and pricking at something with a subliminal-complaint attached to it, is going to set him off. He is used to your ways; and he knows when a comment or question is loaded. Unlike someone more understanding; he's not going to allow you to challenge his authority, or criticize him in any way. He just won't like it.
Before you consider divorce, may I suggest that you both get counseling together? Only because you feel you can't talk to him. You need someone to mediate/referee; and teach you both how to compromise, and be straight-up with each other. It's impossible to be agreeable at all times. No marriage is going to last when only one person is always right! For whatever reason, he's growing more and more short with you.
You're not a child, and you don't only speak when spoken to.
Sorry to say, but you married a prick; and you're a little too timid for his male-type. He's unyielding and touchy; which makes you walk on eggshells around him. If you're bound by cultural-tradition; you'll have to weigh your options, and do whatever it takes to survive.
You need someone to mediate to level things off. If he refuses to work it out with counseling; then consider drastic-measures. Changing him isn't an option. Call yourself a divorce attorney, and initiate a divorce. Either he works with you, or he has to go.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (24 April 2019):
 I recently red this book:
A guide on how to STOP ARGUING: Protect quality time, prevent bickering, preserve love, enjoy life. by CJ Kruse
I enjoyed the book even though it was a bit too submissive for me. It has helped me be more peaceful and I think it will give you some tools to work with.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2019): In his own way he is ruling you with his emotions.
You could abandon the concept of submissiveness.
After all who thought that one up that women should be submissive to men and what possible objective could that notion have?
His closing off from you is something to be thankful for.
He is not a conversationalist so dont try to make any.
You could reclaim your mind.
And stop worrying or thinking about him.
Think of you all the time.
Then you are on equal terms.
Has he got any delightful qualities or is he just a bundle of short comings who wants a submissive skivvy in the home?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2019): How awful to be married to a man like that.He will never change.Where do you see yourself in let's say five or ten years? Why are you expected to be submissive? You do not have to be. This is America you are free here.You can lawyer up and leave this man and no one can stop you.You can say no to your husband in this country.You are equal to your husband in this country.I say leave the jerk.He will never change.Life is short.Enjoy life.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (24 April 2019):
I was in a simimilar situation with my ex partner. For the first 11 years he was loving, supportive and motivating. Once I moved in with him he expected me to be at his back and call. Being submissive is what he wanted. To cook, clean, child care, dog walking and everything else was about staying at home where he expected me to be. I couldn't have friends outside of the family circle because he thought that I wouldn't need anyone else other than him and his family.If I went out with friends then the silent treatment would start. He'd ignore my calls, not eat my food and have attitude when he did respond. The silence could last for weeks even months. I got depressed, had a break down and 2 serious illnesses plus a daughter who became depressed, was self harming and tried to take her own life due to his mental abuse. He would attack her to get to me at times. I eventally left him, got myself and daughter into therapy and now living the best life.This is who he is and I would seriouslu consider leaving the relationship. This will only get worse over time. The cost will be your mental and physical health. If yopu have children, please save them from all of this.I wish you the best of luck.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 April 2019):
 Why are you "expected to be submissive"? Are you of a culture where this is the norm or is it just that this is what your husband expects? Difficult to offer advice without knowing this fundamental fact.
All I would say is, you cannot change what HE does but you CAN change how you perceive it and react to it. Understand that this is how HE handles conflict. I doubt anyone would consider it a "good" way to do so but it is how HE does it. He sounds like a "stressy" person, hence why what you see as "little things" set him off.
In your shoes I would try not to get into arguments with him, especially when it is something small. For instance, if he asks you "what business is that of yours?" when you ask about his friends, just shrug, smile and say "I am just interested in people", then move on with something else. What you and I may see as "making conversation", he may see as gossip or being nosy. If he chooses not to answer his phone because he is upset or annoyed about something, understand this is how HE deals with conflict and leave him to get over it in his own time and own way.
If this is NOT an arranged marriage and you chose to marry this man, then you must have known before you married him what he was like. Why did you marry him?
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