A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I had been dating 8 months, we were long-distance virtually from the get go and it sucked but we both told each other that there was no one else we'd rather be with, and worked out seeing each other at LEAST once every 3 weeks, sometimes a little more. it was still very hard on us though. he would call me crying sometimes and vice versa. There was never a time we didn't talk about how much we missed each other and seeing each other was always faaantastic.One day I receive a call from him telling me that a kiss happened between him and a girl he works with at a party a week or 2 prior. I flipped out, this was very obviously not something I EVER expected of him. He was silent and allowed me to call him every name in the book (DUH), I told him I deserved better and always had, I couldn't believe what was going on. Neither of us slept for 3 days, proven by the phone calls at 2am, 4am, 6am... neither of us were happy. I'd broken up with him on the spot but it was obviously difficult for both of us.Anyway I forgave him for this incident and at the end of the month I was going home from school for the summer, so we would be able to see each other a ton more. Once I got home though our relationship was strange. Whenever we were together it was alright, but when we weren't it was almost like he didn't care as much, and I'm not one to beg for attention so I told him we should go on a break and not talk for a week. He was shocked but went along. At the end of the week I found out it hadn't just been a kiss between him and the girl, but it was sex, which is very interesting considering he'd taken my virginity a few weeks before the incident, she was not attractive (like it matters) AND has a boyfriend, he had never been close to her as a friend at work (I know this through his work friends, etc... I knew them all) and quite frankly he found her annoying also he'd never had sex with a girl he wasn't in a relationship with AND he'd never cheated on a girlfriend, either. Sure there was alcohol involved but it's incredible when you think your relationship is so solid and it turns out it was just as vulnerable as any relationship but thats not even the case. In every relationship there's always one party who cares more, and it was always him, he was smitten, this was just so out of nowhere.Anyway I broke up with him for good when finding this out and we didn't talk for a month. I thought about him every day and cried all the time -- I never cry! such a girl - and I'd heard through friends and the internet, etc, that he was miserable without me and ashamed with what he'd done, which is why he didn't try to contact me, he just sulked in his house, didn't go out, etc, he made sure to avoid the girl at all costs including looking for a new job. I missed him so much that I eventually called him one night and invited him over for that Tuesday.Tuesday came and we talked about everything. He cried a bit and told me how much he'd missed me, how much he couldnt believe how bad he fucked up. He admitted to allowing our relationship to deteriorate once I got home because he was basically living a lie and hated himself. He told me he wouldn't have minded if I told the girl's boyfriend, even if it meant getting beat up because what they did was so wrong and quite frankly out of character for him (I can't say the same for her, I don't know her well, hopefully she wouldn't have done this fully aware). He kept saying he had no idea why it happened but I needed a REASON for closure so he finally said that he missed me so much while I was at school that this one particular night when he was lonely and drinking he just did the worst thing possible, never thought he would or could do this to me, etc. He wanted to make it up to me in any and every way possible now that he knows what life without me is like and it sucks and no one else could ever compare .... etc etc. These are normally just words and mean nothing to me but we've been working on it ever since and have had relatively great success, I hardly think about the incident anymore and I DO not cry, I don't remind him of it regularly because to me that's not a very great relationship. We are both letting go of the hatred (me for her/him, him for himself/her), he found a new job, he's been doing as much for me as I ask him to/as he can.The thought of the incident still bothers me, obviously, and I would just like some support or comfort. I know they don't talk anymore, I know she was never a threat before and happened to be like the only girl at the party or whatever (I'd really rather not think about what the hell was going through their minds), but I think that makes the situation worse... he made me feel terrible all for a girl who he had no intentions of liking, etc.Does this mean he really can love me and just have made a mistake? Could it really have been the alcohol + distance/loneliness that was the culprit, aside from his dimwittedness and semi-flirty persona? I like to think that all couples go through obnoxious times in their relationship when they question their feelings, and after the break up and the no contact, I feel like our relationship is better than ever... We both speak our minds whenever we feel slighted and we don't hold back. We're open and it's great. we're no longer at a distance (so cheating again would mean OUT THE DOOR no questions) I'm just struggling with the second chance bit right now. I can't imagine myself without him, and he the same for me, but I just want to be reassured that it's possible that it was just a mistake and not necessarily an indication of something else.......i dont know.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Hey first of all i would like to say i think you have done real well with this.
People do make mistakes and if everything else is great in the relationship, then i think you have done the right thing. Hes changed jobs, moved on, and regrets the incident.
Over here at the moment (the Uk) Coronation street on the tv has a story line about a guy thats missing his wife, shes moved out to her mums for reasons not to do with the marriage, and hes slept with someone else. But its basically because he misses his wife & is feeling lonely. Hes regretting it now & just wants his wife. She doesnt know yet what hes done.
So i do think if guys or girls feel lonely & especially if they have been drinking, they could make a mistake like this. As long as its not repeated.
If you are confident that he knows if he did it again, he would be history, then go for it, and see how it goes.
The long distance thing might not work for him though, thats something you need to sort out between you.
Good luck
C xxxxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): Everyone makes mistakes, and he is obviously truly sorry. If you think that you can make it work then go for it!It always possible someone can change, and it sounds like the incident made him realise how lucky he is to have you. You said long distance is no longer an issue - so does that mean your living together/near. I really hope this works for you and it sounds like if you live closer etc you won't feel lonley and the mistake will never happen again.Go with your instinct, and if it all goes wrong then start a fresh. If he EVER cheats on you again please leave him, he'll think he can always get away with it and you don't want to be constantly heart broken.Good Luck Love xx
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