A
female
age
,
*mw
writes:hi i have been seeing a guy for 4 years now and i am also in the middle of a serious court case to do with my childhood and it will be over this year he knows everything that i have been through and that we are now seeing the light at the end of the tunnel ,but when i get upset such as when i was doing my statments for the court which took me months with the help of a very good lady phycoligist and they are now logged wwith the court , and i find things alot easier to deal with now , he will not hug me when i am upset or when i cry which is not very often now ,he just does not talk to me shuts down which makes me feel very lonely like i did as a child,when we talk i do tell him this it feels like rejection ,the same happens in our sex life ,we are now down to about 2 times a month , i trusted this man completely with everything and yet he just shuts down when i need him ? i need a hug and none are happening where do i go from here we are having abreak at the moment i love him but cannot seem to get through can anyone help ?
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reader, bmw +, writes (11 August 2007):
bmw is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen i say i trusted him with everything i mean i told him everything to do with my childhood because i love him eniugh to trust him with this stuff that has haunted me for years , i am very independent i write poetry holiday with friends and sometimes alone to write , i work in a bar , which is very busy , he thinks i am too independent ! i have a good sense of humour being irish ! we are all mad and like having the crack ,i work with children that have come out of care , and belong to a survivors group fighting the church on these cases , but sometimes i need to cry and sometimes i need a hug ff the man i love , if a friend called here crying i would give that person a hug and then we would talk and try to sort it out whatever the problem was and thats all i want ,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): You say you are having a break from him. Is it oficial, or you feel so distanced from him that you called it so? The worse could be that he seeks a way out of the relation, which doesn't need to be your fault, and he can't say it to you directly, given the background. But in this case he should support you as a friend, only you seem to miss both the lover and the friend in him. Another possibility is that he understands "affection" differently, but if it was so it would have been noticeable from the start. Maybe he indeed has own problems and doesn't want to overwhelm you with his. And we could go on. Ask HIM. Ask what is wrong. And if he has a problem to share it with you, because together would be easier to face it. You'll have to make ready for any response. With all your past trouble and now the court cases and all, you can be stronger than him, because he choses to "shut down" and the ones who talk are usually stronger. You should insist that he tells you what happened, because othwerwise you'll keep on imagining scenarios. A Russian proverb says "nothing worse than incertitudes..." I hope it turns for the better soon. Take care
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A
female
reader, JUSTHANNAH +, writes (11 August 2007):
 Hi HunHas he only gone like this towards you since your court case? Maybe he is struggling with it himself. Maybe he feels angry that you went through what ever it was you went through,Maybe he feels helpless .He could also need someone to tell him how to deal with this .Men can see themselves as our protectors and No one protected you and this prob angers and hurts him ..I suggest you ask your Liason officer (for court) for some advice and see if they can suggest someone that can help you and your Partner discuss this .Good Luck and Good Luck with your Court Case
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2007): I think your problem is in this statement right here: "i trusted this man completely with everything and yet he just shuts down when i need him ?" No wonder he is pulling away. You are treating him like he owes you something. Nobody likes to be treated that way. I have trusted people "completely with everything" too. And? I'm not going to guilt trip them that they "owe me" a shoulder to cry on cause I have trusted them. Be a little more independent. And it's not that he thinks he shouldn't be there for you. It's the way your approaching it with this "look at all I've done, you owe me" kind of attitude that's turning him off. That would turn anybody off. That's a real easy way to lose friends. And that's a bad way to approach anybody or anything in life. Be a little more independent.And even though we all go through issues in life, try to have more of a sense of humor. Don't take everything so seriously. Laugh more. Find the irony in things. That's probably what is hurting your sex life. Hope I could help.
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