A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been on this site, and a few others for a while. My question I guess is a combination of many questions, and I'm not totally sure where to begin. Let me start by saying that I love my girl. If I didn't then I wouldn't be worried about any of this in the first place. we've been together for about years, and the first year was crazy. We had a long distance relationship, and there's been hella shit. As I begin to type this, I realize that I could type forever, so I'm going to get straight to the point. In the first year, she cheated on me four times: two relationships, two one nights stands. I knew two of the people, and know more about the other two than I should. I asked, because I thought the details would help. Wrong answer.On top of this, she has a very active sexual history that is not totally negative, but not totally positive either. There have been at least 3 threesomes that I can count. I know at least 7 people she's been with total. All of this information, everything, has filed into me slowly. I have built a life with this woman. I know her family, she knows mine. I think she's wonderful, brilliant and beautiful, but I am clearly obsessing over the past. And what I obsess about rotates. And what makes it worse is that she's lied to me in the past, and she has a habit of "forgetting" things. All of these things happened well over 2 years ago, I found out about everything in it's entirety about a year ago, and I want to move on but cannot. I think about it on a daily basis. Everything is a reminder and I know that the challenge is within myself. I sometimes stress over the one night stand. She lied to me about it when I asked initially and I ended up pretending to be her on the phone through text messages. A low for me. The guy says they were almost kicked out of the room, had sex for 2-3 hours in various positions, and that she finished with a "holy shit!" right before she passed out. I asked him if he was lying, he replied, "Why would I lie." She says she thinks he's lying, but can't remember what happened because she was drunk. She says she woke up the next morning and her vagina was sore, and her forearms were sore. According to him, that's because she was hanging off the bed. Bottom line: It sounds like a hell of a night. She can't remember any of it. I found out 4 months after the fact, when I realize that they were saying happy valentine's day to each other. This was 3 weeks before I came to see her. She said sex with one guy was good because "he wanted it." She says, that it then got plain because it was the same every time. I could go on, because there are details to everything and I have obsessed over all of them. I already know that we view sex, and it's value differently, but I've also already gotten pretty deep in the relationship. I don't really want to leave her, but the truth is I don't know how I see her. It shifts based on my mood and obsession. It's hard to get back to where I was, and sometimes I hesitate to praise her the way I really want because the truth I still resent her. I'm leaving a lot because it's way more complicated than this, but that's where I'll start. I'll also mention that she was a runaway and a prostitue, but in some ways this was by choice, and in some ways she was victimized. That plays the lowest role in everything, although it does figure into the sex value equation I guess.I sometimes trip out and just start asking her questions about everything, knowing she won't remember, will provide the same answer, and for the most part has come as clean about everything as she possibly can (down to the penis size and positions.) My questions, I guess are as follows: 1. Am I wrong for obsessing? Or better stated, is it normal to take this long to get over such things? 2. I know obsessing over the details is self destructive and counter productive, but other than distracting myself, or learning to cope, is there anything else I can do. Should I be interested in the details? 3. Am I wrong for wanting to understand the nature of each relationship? With the one night stand for instance, they were texting each other 4 months later. She says that she was just being polite, and has since told him it was a mistake, but should it have taken my intervention? 4. I know that I've blacked out pretty seriously in the past, but her forearms were sore!! And they almost got kicked out!! Should I believe her when she says she doesn't remember. She's told me the details about every other situation she remembers. On the other had, from the guys description it sounded like a great time and maybe she doesn't want to tell me? Is this just an ego problem, or is there something of substance for me to worry about here? 5. I know some folks on here says it goes on forever. Is that really true? Will this never stop? She trips most of the time I bring it up now and to be honest I don't totally blame her. I am positive I am thinking about these things far more than she does. 6. She says that she felt ashamed and embarrassed by the one night stand. Which I can understand. If that's the case, why continue texting? She says it was only a few times in several months (which I can verify) but he thank her for a wonderful evening and she never told him she didn't remember, and she didn't ask. What am I to think here? 7. I am reminded all of the time of everything. And one thought leads to another, so it never stops. She was fairly promiscuous in her youth so I'm always in contact with, seeing, working with someone she slept with. Sometimes it doesn't bother me but sometimes it does, because so many people I know have got to hit at least once. And in doode world, that's more than enough. Am I being petty, insecure or is there something to this? 8. The threesome thing has gotten to me, too because in most instances she was just kind of extra. And now that I'm thinking about it, it's at least 4. One of them was with a guy she knew for a week and one guy she didn't know at all. I understand youthful experimentation and her situation but I have only been in one situation close to this and I'm getting the I missed out feeling. I get that feeling a lot in this relationship. Anyway, that's actually a lot of questions and this is not really a fault thing here. I'm not trying to blame anyone or anyone down. I guess I'm just trying to communicate my situation to see if there's anyone out there who relates and can offer some productive feedback. Thank you for your time
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cheated on me, drunk, insecure, long distance, move on, one night stand, penis size, sexual past, text, threesome, vagina Reply to this Question
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male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (7 January 2010):
 Dude I didnt listen to Grimms advice, I will never post another thing on this site and not ask for Grimms advice, it's almost like he's written it all out, and just sit back and watches! it's eerie just how right Grimm is, and his advice about the rules of 3, are astounding! hey grimm, you never gave me the rules of 3's, oh well, you didnt need to, because everything he told me to do, I didnt do, everything he told me would happen, happened, and everything he told me I would probably do, but shouldnt, I did, and shouldnt have!
A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (20 November 2009):
 OK, you love her, and you have a pretty good idea about the baggage. Usually replies to this sort of question come down to "she's with you now, so forget about her past." Personally I find that sort of answer a bit pat, and particularly when she's cheated in the context of what you thought was a committed relationship.
You sound like you have some baggage of your own, although not in her league. Since some of the details didn't seem to make it through with the original post, it's hard for us to judge just how combatable the two of you might really be. To my mind the question really is, has she got all that out of her system? I presume you're wanting to go forward on a basis of monogamy, so -- has she really got that wild stuff out of her system? Are you going to have to worry about her doing things with others in the future? Unless you can satisfy yourself that she is now prepared to be true to you, you have a legitimate cause for worry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): This website, and indeed the world, is packed full of men and women who have these "weird" issues about the most important person in their life.
When does this stuff graduate to "normal" status? Is it when researchers prove that 25% of the population feels this way? 50%? 66%? What is the magic figure that makes this a legitimate and understandable concern?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 November 2009):
 I think your girl have some problems with her sexuality, as in she might be a sexual addict. The fact that she is ashamed of her sexual "exploits" kinda shows that it goes deeper then she is letting on. I'm no therapist but early promiscuity can be a sign of childhood abuse or jsut a really messed up childhood, the fact that she carries it into adulthood means whatever it is she hasn't dealt with it. At least that is how I see it.
She drinks and blacks out? Another sign of something more severe going on. How often and how much does she drink? Does she do anything else? ( as in drugs) If she knows there is a possibility of her doing "bad" stuff when drunk, then why does she keep drinking when going out?
Is the "I don't remember" an excuse or does she drink so heavily she really has no clue? I have been tending bar at a nightclub so I have seen a lot of the whole drink til you drop thing, but usually when you are THAT drunk you can not perform extravagant sexual acts.
The two of you have some pretty serious issues to work out if you want the be together as a monogamous couple. She seems to lie a little to fast and you distrust her ( which is totally understandable) but both issues is not a very solid foundation for a relationship, do you think?
I think personally that she needs a LOT help.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 November 2009):
 Assuming that this is not a Troll post (which I have my doubts that it is not but am replying anyway)YOU SHOULD HAVE FOLLOWED THIS RULE BEFORE YOU EVER DATED HERWhen considering a relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. One lie, one broken promise or a single neglected responsibiltiy may be a misunderstanding instead. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you're dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchipin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly. Do not give your money, your work, your secrets or your affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.Now you are sunk. Dude, you took back a chick that cheated on you multiple times and now you are building a life with her? Give me a break. You are casting your lot with a liar of the highest order.Do yourself a favor and find the nearest curb and dump her off at it. This relationship is doomed!Thats the only productive feedback you need!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): I will only answer some. Because I have absolutely no understanding for the mentality behind concerns about people's sexual past. And since I dont understand it, I think it's just weird to care about, but hey at least I admit I have no clue why you care about her sexual past. Just my honest answer. As for her cheating on you, I understand that is an issue with trust. But what made you stay with her and not break up after she confessed? Try to go through your initial reasons, and see if those reasons will be enough in the years to come. You actually didnt say for how long you've been together! But I take it its been maybe 5-6 years? And so it's been years since she cheated. Why has this not been an issue before? Why do you care now? Try to figure that out. I mean you sound obsessed by her one night stand, like it happened last night, even though you said it was years ago.If you can't get over it, then the relationship is over, basically. Be fair to her and yourself. Then learn from your mistake and dont ask your next gf for details about the men she's been cheating on you with. And make sure that they have intellect enough to not get so drunk that they are not in control of their actions. I know this was brute and harsh, but its simple facts of life. Either you find a way to deal with it or you don't. Her cheating on you in the past is bad. You never forgiving her is just as bad, because if you can't forgive you should have ended the relationship years ago.
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