A
female
age
30-35,
*rs. Barriera-Smith
writes:Hi, I've just recently got married. My husband is Hispanic and comes from deep religious background. His parents are pastors. I am African American and I was raised by a single. We had talked about married when he proposed I said yes but he didn't tell his family that we're engaged before we got married. We still got married anyway. Then June 9, 2009 they found out and we weren't able to see each other. My father in-law and my sister in-law decide that we couldn't be together so they started pressuring my husband to divorce me or get annulment. I'm happy to say that either option went through even though my husband did sign the annulment papers. I still feel lot of the anger, hurt and sadness because he felt that the only way to prove that it wouldn't go through was to sign it. But I still resent him for it. So how do I get to the point where I feel that I love because right now it’s more like a love hate thing? On top of that his family has started treating me bad even in front of guests. Which they did before we got married. I have talked to my husband about it but nothing ever changes. My husband does argue with them about me no matter where they are including church. His father has no problem with pulling him to the side just to argue with him about me. Me... I’ve ignored their comments and pretend that bad was say about me before they address me in English. I have spoken to family about it but they aren’t any help. They are more focused on making me miserable as well. So I am alone in this situation even though my in-laws have treated my husband badly because he’s with me. But I feel like he might as be right with them because he can’t seem to make me happy any more. My sister in-law has no problem ignoring me when I ask her a question or if I make some food for everyone to eat or do something to make their lives easy that she doesn’t like. She will in turn yell at my husband about it right in front of me and then pretend like I didn't say anything to her when he's not at fault. My sister in-law hates me more than anyone in her family and loves to show it any way she can. So I would like know what I did to her to make feel like I’m that horrible person that she can’t stand to be around me? They say that I’m a messy person when I’m not and their etiquette is poor to the extreme when it comes to way treat me. I have taken mother’s advice and stayed away from them. It worked but my husband has this idea that if I’m around and they get to know me better then they’ll like me. It just doesn’t work out the way he wants it to. Which leaves with a broken heart because I really didn’t do anything to them so why are they so hard me? I know I am not that prefect Hispanic church going girl they wanted for their son but I do love him. And spend more than enough time trying to prove that, even when he hurts me. It's just that he did get in the way sometimes but it really does show. I truly put myself into each plan that he comes with to make them like me but now I can’t. I don’t even want to go to the church they preach in or the thanksgiving dinner they’re having this Sunday. I know I have to go because I’m his wife. That's what being a good wife is all about but I can’t go and be subjected to such hateful treatment by everyone at the church. Oh I how are the rest of his family going to react to me. I have suffered great with them mistreating me through my life and this is by far worst mistreatment I’ve experienced. I don’t know why four out of five of my in-laws are so hateful to me. My guesses haven’t been confirmed to be trust or not but I think that these things might be the reason why they don’t like me: 1. My race 2. The way my husband shows me he loves me 3. The attention I bring when guests come over (which is for my father in-law and my sister in-law. 4. The way I act.5. My many different talents6. That I’m not deeply religious like they are.7. That I always came over to spend time with my husband while we were dating.I have spoken to friends and strangers about it and they either were shocked or outraged but none could really help. So please help me. I’m really desperate to know what I can do to improve my relationship with my in-laws so isn’t a burden on my husband. What can my husband do to help heal the hurt I feel when he is around? Or when they are around and I feel like I have to express my emotions but in different form or situation? How do I deal with this? I want to have family when have children but with all that they’ve done I don't see them being a part of those moments.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2009): Wow you have really dug yourself a pretty deep hole here. First of all you two got married very young. Probably too young if he is still in his teens. Then you snuck around behind the family's back and kept the whole thing hidden. Thats not what a good girl does. You are talking about people with old world values- you dont come from a good family, you from are outside their culture, you snuck around, you didnt get married at their Church and you embarrassed the family in that everyone knows their kid had a quicky marriage to some girl no one knows about. You dug yourself a big hole- which means you cant expect to magically get out when they try your enchilada casserole at the big dinner. This is going to take years. I'd recommend you start with some public service activity to raise your reputation. Churches usually have service projects they'd like to get going but cant find volunteers for. Go get involved in those- usually they cant get enough volunteers to visit the sick and shut-ins. Start there. Eventually you will the reputation you deserve, good or bad.
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