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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together 18 months. He has intimacy issues but is a good man who I have felt pretty happy with.A few months ago, I discovered that he was looking at online porn. It bugged me a little, but I am by all means not a judgmental woman. I even told him I would watch it with him. He wasn't interested. He mainly looks at still pictures of women and jerks off to them. Things started getting bad when I realized how often he was doing it... and how little sex we were having. He instigates sex maybe one every two weeks now (and jerks off to porn several times a week). He has always been quiet in bed, and never that into kissing or foreplay, but I figured that would change the longer we were together (we are both 30 and although I have a lot of sexual experience, he has very little) and he opened up, but nothing has changed. Lately, sex has been terrible, for me. For him, I have no idea, because he never says anything to me in bed, never makes noise, nothing until he comes--he never has, even though I have tried to show him that he can be open with me in bed. If he was able to be intimate and share things in bed and be willing to go down on me without me asking about 10 times, then maybe the porn wouldn't bother me. I even shared with him my fantasies and it has been two months and he hasn't expressed any interest in enacting any fantasies. I saw what he was looking at recently and he looks at these foot fetish sites. So I tried arousing him with my feet and asked him if he had any fetishes and he lied, said no, and pushed me away, yet again. I have tried talking with him in a non-accusatory way. I asked him if he was satisfied with our sex life. I asked if he wanted to be with other women. I asked why he looks at porn and masturbates when he told me he just has a low libido and doesn't desire sex as much as I do. He said it had nothing to do with me, I shouldn't worry about, all men do it, some women even buy Playboy for their boyfriends. This has gotten long but I will briefly say, he has also made some rude comments comparing me to other women and has taken to ogling other women when we are out in public together. Also things I have addressed with him, which when I did, he told me I am "insecure" and "have low self esteem." I do not have low self esteem. I am in graduate school, run marathons, do volunteer work, have wonderful friends. I even happen to think I am very cute and fun to be with most of the time. But when I am with him, I feel unattractive, fat, and really, really sad. Someone please give it to me straight. Should I give him a chance or should I walk away?
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (18 April 2006):
 It sounds to me like this guy makes you really un happy . Don't put up with it; and from what you tell me he is a total jerk my advice to you is dump him and find some else who can make you happy and give you what you need
A
female
reader, PrunellaGringepith +, writes (18 April 2006):
 Oh my dear, this is just bad bad bad. It is hard to understand why any man would prefer to jack off in front of his computer than be with someone who is obviously understanding, sexually open, and willing accomodate his sexual preferences. Like you I don't necessarily think that porn is a bad thing in itself, and even watch it with my husband myself sometimes, but porn should not be a substitute for intimacy, and any man who sees it that way has his priorities all wrong.
It sounds to me like he is just being plain selfish and lazy, he is putting all of his sexual needs before yours. He is ignoring what I have to say are admirable attempts on your part to encourage him without being judgemental. This man is passing up what most men will give their right arm for...a confident, adventurous, considerate, sexually open lover with a good sex drive.
My answer to you would be to spell it out for him (in small, easy to understand words) exactly how he in making you fell with his lack of intimacy, and if he doesn't buck up his ideas pronto then don't just walk away...run! There are plenty of men out there just dying to meet a woman like you!
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A
female
reader, Danielle934 +, writes (18 April 2006):
 I agree it sounds like he has way too many problems!! You would definitely be better off when someone who treats you like you deserve.
"He said it had nothing to do with me, I shouldn't worry about, all men do it, some women even buy Playboy for their boyfriends." Personally I Hate it if a guy uses this excuse, it just seems if they are just trying to get out of talking about it and that they don't think they should even have to consider your feelings because "every man does it"! Also him trying to stupidly tell you that you have "low self esteem issues" that is another common statement that many irresponsible males tell their partner. They think that is the only way anything could be wrong with your relationship... because it can't be him right? If you ask me, I think it is a real low blow for him to say that to you, he just wants to get away with what he is doing without having to try to regard your feelings.
I don’t think you have self esteem issues at all, he is just CAUSING you to feel bad about yourself! You need to leave him now… he does not care about your feelings, nor does he care how his actions make you feel, I even bet he would care less if you two broke up. Any decent guy would at least stop ogling other woman when you are around, and would never be so hurtful as to compare you to other woman! Have you ever wondered why he has little sexual experience? Maybe it is because he chooses to, you know some men get addicted to porn and prefer it more than sex, or it could just be that all the other woman he has been out with have noticed how much of a jerk he is and never gave him the chance. You need to kick this “so called man” to the curb because you have put up with his shit for far too long!
I wish you the best of luck in finding a real man!
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A
female
reader, Softie +, writes (18 April 2006):
 Hi. This is going to sound harsh and almost selfish, but I am going to give you my opinion in all honesty. I honestly think that he has more issues than you should have to try to resolve for him. Life is too short to make yourself so miserable over someone who is unwilling to even try. So yes, I say walk away. I hope you find happiness.
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