A
female
age
36-40,
*ettyBoup
writes:My boyfriend often complains that we don't have enough sex. But he doesn't initiate ot, or try to turn me on. The other day we were hugging in bed then he rolled over, saying that he had to because he was horny ... like, sex could've happened if he had taken the initiative but it's like he was waiting for me to make the first move and when I didn't, he took offence and rolled over...Another time he woke me up after I was drifting off to sleep to tell me he was horny I guess with the expecation that I would have sex with him. When I told him I was half asleep he got up in a huff...Sex is good, when I am horny, I initiate with him, and it's great. But when I am not in the mood, I won't initiate but I would be happy to be ravaged so to speak. But he never seems to take the lead, or rarely. It's a turn off when he says he's horny, in a complaining sort of way. Like, don't complain if you are not trying to turn me on or get me in the mood.It's a shame because I love him and we have a good relationship in all other ways. The other day, he was fingering me, and it felt nice, but then nothing else happened and I got bored and lost interest and he noticed and asked what's wrong, and got offended. I didn't know what to say. I tried to be into it but I was tired and he didn't take things further, so I got bored...How do I resolve this? :/
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Because it is funny to joke about rape? Honestly some people have an odd sense of humor. From reading your update it looks like their is a lot wrong with this relationship and if he is clingy and needy then he is not going to change. By all means talk to him but its doubtful he will change. What grown man sulks like a child? Jokes about rape? Moans when you go out with friends? Moans when you don't initiate sex. Honestly for me this would be to suffocating and I wouldn't be able to do it.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2017): Him saying you basically raped him sounds like a joke. You took initiative and made a move. Its a good thing and he likes it. I make the same joke with my gf.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe  +, writes (20 September 2017):
 Seems like a case of a really crappy lover, I'm sorry.
Find someone else, he's clearly got several issues that aren't worth your time.
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A
male
reader, Roboaxe +, writes (20 September 2017):
Seems like a case of a really crappy lover, I'm sorry.
Find someone else, he's clearly got several issues that aren't worth your time.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (18 September 2017):
 I think this issue is a lot deeper than the sex.
He sounds like a baby to be quite honest, spending most of his time sulking about not getting his own way. I think it sounds like you have your head screwed on your shoulders tbf that you can't see this working out long term if he doesn't change.
If I were you I'd have a talk with him about the REAL issues this relationship is having. Tell him exactly what you've just told us. He either changes what you don't like or you may as well find someone who doesn't make you feel the way he does.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (18 September 2017):
You both have a tendency to approach the other for sex but often at a bad times. This isn't an unusual problem...none of us are always in the mood or have sufficient time. How about setting appointments for sex? This may not sound romantic but it often makes for better sex, not only because you are both ready, but you also can make better preparations. I haven't seen this suggested before on DQ but it has worked well for myself and others I know. I'm not suggesting that you end impromptu sex...that's good, too. But it may help get you back on track.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 September 2017):
 So he is not just taken you for granted on the sex department (that YOU do all the initiating) but in other departments too.
I would actually be pretty PISSED off by being told that you "raped" him by initiating. Does he really think that kind of talks makes you want to initiate MORE? Is he daft?
Yes, I get consent goes both ways. So he CAN say no if you try and undress him and he isn't in the mood, correct?
Him whining about the lack of sex to your friend group? Wait? why? To try and sow some discourse?
Being insecure, clingy and controlling are things you can not FIX in him. HE has to accept that it's not OK to behave that way and work on changing it - but is that realistic? (for him to do?)
You also have the age group of 30's so his behavior is pretty immature here. If he was 15-17 I'd OK he is a bit inexperienced and thus insecure but this is a GROWN ASS MAN in his 30's!
Why is he so insecure? Why is he so clingy?
Does he work?
Does he have a group of friends (not yours but his)?
Does he have any hobbies that you do not partake it?
Honestly? it doesn't sound like the relationship is all that good for you. It seems like you aren't really fulfilled.
Yeah, I think you need to have some more talks. However, you might also have to take a GOOD long look at the relationship and decide if you WANT it to continue AS IT IS now because it's NOT really likely that he will change.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (18 September 2017):
BettyBoup is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks. I had a talk with him today and told him if he wants more sex he needs to initiate it by making moves on me. It's really annoying and a turn off when he complains that we "don't have enough sex" and makes little sarcastic comments about it, including in front of my friends. It's awkward and embarrassing and really doesn't fill me with desire for him. I think more talks may need to happen...
I still had to initiate today. It's like he's afraid to start the wheels in motion or thinks it's my job or duty, to "give him lots of sex", without him doing anything to turn me on. It's really a turn off. I think it's really childish behaviour. He sulks that his sex life isn't as frequent as he wants, but doesn't take any initiative to go after what he wants to happen. It's not my problem, I refuse to take responsibility. When I am horny I just undress him, touch him, kiss him and get on with it. After we sleep together he makes jokes that I raped him. Which I find odd when he complains he doesn't get enough sex with me.
I think I need a serious talk. He is also rather clingy, verging on controlling, madd me feel bad for seeing friends thus weekend, then came to join us and sulked most of the time. When we spend time with just each other it's lovely. When we go out with other people, my friends mainly, he seems to get pissed off if my attention is not focused entirely on him. It's a shame. Is it possible to fix this behavior because I cannot see myself being truly happy to live thus way longterm. I need freedom and I would like a guy who my friends like and have a laugh with. Some of my friends have called him clingy, or captain clingy to be precise. I'm giving him a chance because in many ways he is lovely. He is very attentive and devoted. I also enjoy his company, and sex is nice, he always pleases me. I just hate having to keep asserting myself and my wants/needs for my own time. He complained that, after I spent 4 weeknights after work n gym with him, he complained that it was just 2 hours then I went to sleep! Like, wtf!! I spent all my free weekday time with him and he complained it wasn't enough, because I went out Friday night on a work do!!! Fuck off!! Sorry, it really annoyed me. I choose what I do with MY precious time, he has no right to think my time belongs to him. He should be grateful I choose to spend my time on him and sleep with him only. He should be happy I have friends who also love me and want to hang out with me. He should be glad to have the occasional night to do whatever he wants with. Instead he complained that he was bored at home. Like, I am never bored at home!! I am glad of an evening to myself.
Rant over and our :)
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (16 September 2017):
 Ha ha! I suspect his telling you he is horny is HIS version of foreplay! You need to tell him all women are different and that his approach does not work for you.
It sounds like you are both jointly guilty of bad communication. HE thinks you should be ready for sex just because HE is, while YOU wish for better (some!) foreplay but do not tell him.
Next time he says "I feel horny", say "Well, if you feel like doing something about it, get ME horny too and let's see what happens". Guide him through what feels good for you (he is not a mind reader) and what you enjoy.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (16 September 2017):
Tell him.
How else does he know how you feel?
If you're having sex with each other then surely you feel comfortable enough to have a discussion about it? Tell him what you want and need and he should be happy to cater to it. Sex is about satisfying both partners.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2017):
How do you resolve it?
By ACTUALLY talking about it.
He makes the presumption that telling you he is HORNY will automatically make you horny too. Or it IS his way of initiating.
Sounds like he has a bit of a "porn" mentality. You know when the well-hung "cable guy" shows up at the door and the woman opens it ready for sex? Because?
TALK. About expectations, how to take turns intitiate, likes and dislikes, etc. etc.
If you can HAVE sex, you can talk about it.
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