A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I'd like some opinions on what to do with my out-of-control relationship. I've been with my bf for 8 years and love him sooo much. We lived together for 7, then he split up with me for 6 months and moved out...said he needed time to work out what he wants from life, but I found out he was on adult dating sites and fooling around with a woman from work though nothing physical happened...so we got back together at his choosing 6 months later, 8 months down the line, we were great, very happy and he was saying he wanted us to start thinking about moving in together again and having a family in the next few years. But one day, I was loading some washing when a secret cell phone fell out of his pockets... I know it's wrong, but I looked at it, and he'd send hundreds of explicit texts to some random girls. I confronted him and he was really sorry, that it was nothing about me that made his do it, just boredom and lonliness...he was so sorry that he seemed to become depressed about it. So I spent the last 2 weeks listening to him, trying to make sure he was ok emotionally, all without him seeing how I was. So then today, he comes to see me and starts crying, says he doesn't want to keep hurting me (to which I said, well don't!) and that, again, he doesn't know what he wants from life (his job included). Says me finding the messages has forced him to confront a lot of things about himself and his life. Says he is lonely, doesn't have good freinds apart from me. Then says he thinks he wants me as a friend with "no romantic connotations" when 4 weeks ago he convinced me to go on birth control so he could stop using condoms! Says he loves me and always wants me in his life, that there's no one else, etc. But I feel like I've been led on and messed around. It took me so long to try and get over him the first time, I can't face doing it again.So we left it that he's going to think about things over the next few weeks and let me know. In the meantime, he wants space. I'm ok with that, though it will be hard not to call him to see how he is. I just don't know what to do in the meantime - if I back off completely, will he forget me? I feel I'd like the chance to plead my case for us staying together, however. Should I just wait for him to make contact again? The other thing is, he said today he'd like us to be friends now, but says we may take things further again in the future... should I just accept that uncertainty? If I didn't love him, I'd walk away:(BTW, I know you might advise me to do that anyway, but 1. I love him and 2. I don't think I'd meet (or want to meet) anyone else (I didn't whilst we spilt up, though granted I wasn't trying) but I'd love to have children one day.Thanks so much for reading... Sorry it was a little long.
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female
reader, holmar +, writes (19 July 2009):
xxxnyria,
Well said,
Holly
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): (Original poster) thank you for your opinions - just feel so sad and sick about it all :(
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 July 2009):
 Sorry check that...Men in committed relationships dont go on dating sites. Sorry I read too fast. But in any case, he is not worth your time...move on,
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (19 July 2009):
Holmar is correct. I'm afraid that this guy is cheating, and Id be willing to bet physically. Married men do not go on dating sites with no intention of scoring chicks.
I suggest right now you use this time to get yourself in a better position financially and get ready to leave. This will continue. Oh he may be on his best behavior for awhile, and you may take him back...but when he thinks your guard is down, he'll be at it again, and you will be writing again wanting to kcik yourslef becuase you saw it coming...
I dont want to see that happen. Make a move...ASAP!
AND GET YOURSELF TESTED FOR STD'S ...He may want you to get pregnant to keep you around, but you don't know if he he can be trusted, or could have picked something up. Better safe than sorry.
P.,S....don't even think that what you did was wrong(Snooping?). If he had nothing to hide he would haven't been so pissed. Your gut told you to do it...and always trust your gut!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2009): He sounds as though hes just messing you about unfortunately and he doesnt know what he wants.i would say leave him and let him grow up a bit and decide what he wants.maybe is he just lonely and thats why he needs all the attention to feel wanted from all these naughty girls and well you for the physical stuff and because he can rely on you being there and taking him back as you seem to be doing that.
also you will meet someone else one day and be much happier granted than you are now and have children! just because you arent with this guy doesnt mean you wont have children.besides if right now hes acting like this imagine what he will be like when he has kids? he`ll probably freak out and maybe walk away and do you want that from a husband? no.
if you want go back to him but be careful.
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A
female
reader, holmar +, writes (18 July 2009):
Everything he did was a choice he made. Nobody makes you look at personal sites, or get phone numbers or the like. I know you still want him back, and since you made that pretty clear, and a simple "get the heck out won't work", then I have another suggestion. He doesn't respect you. If he respected you he wouldn't do those things to you. So, that means you need to earn his respect. Whether you have any intention of leaving or not, you need to stay away from him for a while. I know this sounds hard, but mark 1 month from today on your calendar. DO NOT CALL HIM. DO NOT RETURN HIS CALLS OR TEXTS. Have nothing to do with him. Tell him you need to figure out if this is what you want, and that you need your space. In addition, tell him, just the one time he calls initially (dont call him) the following, "whatever fits", I am intelligent, attractive, moral, whatever else, I am as good as you or better and I don't deserve to be treated disrespectfully. All I ask is that you leave me alone for a month so I can decide what I want. I know, for now, I sure don't want you". Then stick to it. I know it will be hard, but YOU HAVE TO EARN BACK HIS RESPECT, and other than completely leavng him, this is the only way to do it. If you can do that, then he may change his ways. It's your best chance. Then, in that month, work on yourself. Spendtime with your friends, work more, spend time with family, whatever you want, but keep yourself busy, and at night, if you have a sleeping pill, take it an hour ahead of time, so hopefully you will just zonk out before your head even hits the pillow and you won't think about him all night-that's the worst time. Whatever he is doing in his spare time, when you start to wonder, just remember, you were the one with him, you have a lot more history then those girls, and plus, he is going to respect you. SO, don't worry bout him finding another in a month, if your doing this right, he won't. He will be too busy wondering about you and what your doing, and did he do too much, and is she not going to take me back this time, an oh my god, what did I just lose. It will drive him nus. He may call after a week or so, and you will feel like he will NEVER call, but he will. And you HOLD THAT HEAD UP HIGH, because you ARE better then him, in EVERY WAY. Then when that month ends and he calls, you finally answer, and in a non chalant way, you tell him you won't put up with this anymore...not sure what you want to do, then start gving him some chances to make it up to you. But don't demand, because you don't want him to think you care. Just make it clear that he has some work to do and go slow...this will be hard, but if you can do it, he will be eating out of the palm of your hands. THen keep that attitude, because IT"S TRUE! And let that attitude show in your life. People will respect you and so will he. He will know that if he ever does it again, you will be gone. If you need help, pray to God, if you believe in him. IF you feel unloved, then you know you have unconditional love from God, and that he is always there, right beside you, and if you need someone to trust, trust GOD, he won't let you down. If you believe that, it will be easier to do this becaue you will knowyour loved and everything will turn out ok. But know, God made you and you are JUST AS GOOD AND it looks like BETTER than him. HE doesnt deserve you. Nobody held that keypad up to his fingers or dialed those numbers in and put the phone in his pocket but him. Accept no excuses. YOU CAN DO IT. That's my answer.
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