A
male
age
41-50,
*lowfish
writes:I am now 30, so is my wife. We’ve been together for 10 years now, married for 7. Our first child was born 7 years ago. We now have 4 children, or at least she does. Since the birth of her 3rd child I had always been unsure if I was the father. I told my wife this and she said the child is mine, which is an expected answer I guess.My first child is 7 (boy) and second almost 5 (girl). My wife got pregnant only 3 months after giving birth to her 3rd child (a boy)...and I was only informed of this when she was 4 months pregnant. My fourth child is now 1 month old (girl). I was shocked, since I was still trying to deal with the paternity issue of the 3rd child. Everyday I look at that child I am more convinced he isn't mine, and I keep telling my wife this, and I feel she knows it too. I now face a big decision, I am positive the child isn't mine (he is much darker than both of us) and now I'm seriously thinking about getting a divorce. I feel bad about this because I love my children very much and don't want them to grow up without me being there as their father. I am not able to concentrate at work or get this issue off my mind. I feel like I'm about to have a serious nervous breakdown. What do I do? I am still in love with her, which makes it even more difficult. I know she was wild when I met her, nightclubs every weekend, smoking, drinking, sleeping around. She even confessed to being a slut. But still I fell in love with her, and thought she would change. I always had a problem dealing with her past, and I always brought it up when I had trouble trusting her.Her answer was always "what's in the past is in the past, forget about it". Well, it was almost out of my system until this issue came up. Guess I had good reasons for not trusting her. The question is, what do I do now? What is my next step? How do I start over again? I used to seeing my children everyday, helping them with homework, playing with them doing things together as a family. I feel like my life is over. I am sure that my wife will want us to stay as a family, even if I get her to confess. But how can a man accept another mans child as his own. How do I accept her when I know she deceived me? I feel a divorce is the best option here.....but where do I get the courage to stand up after such a blow? I was not much of a social guy to start with, how do I go about starting my life over again?****************************Well, I finally managed to get her to confess. The child is not mine. The father is an ex co-worker of hers. And they've been together only twice, according to her. She's been crying her eyes out asking me for a second chance and to forgive her. What do I do?****************************When the incident happened (July 2006) I was at my parents place, recovering from a near fatal head injury which happened in April the same year. I had to go overseas for treatment (with her). What hurts the most is that I was unable to do much at that time, I was in bed most of the day, on medication. She works for a hotel, and I asked her how it happened and she told me. Her reason was she was feeling fat, ugly and insecure. So apparently the first guy that asked her to bend over, she did, a very lame excuse, but the damage is already done. Apparently they've been together twice, though I can't say I trust what she says now. First time in the hotel room where she works, where apparently she phoned room service to bring some beverage to the room, and he brought it, and that's how it happened. Second time it was after a private party (also at the hotel) where she was invited for a drink. She cannot control herself when she drinks. Her story is, when she realized she was drunk her supervisor asked the same guy to drop her off. She says she doesn't remember much after that, but only when she woke up the next day that she realized what had happened. She saw the guy 3 days later and asked if he used protection, and he said yes. But now I know he didn't. The following weekend she came to see me, and we made love all night. Of course I did not use protection, which is why I always assumed the child might be mine. But from the day he was born I was confused by the color of his skin. As I said, I always asked her about it, she always said the child is mine. She even agreed to do a DNA test. Finally she did confess (four days ago) in tears. I told her to leave, she said not without the children. I threatened to take her to court and have custody of the kids. Still, looking at her, I can't just throw her out when it's my baby she's breastfeeding. She's has not been working since the birth of her 3rd child, thus depending on me to support her and the children for 2 years now. And with the rising cost of living, it's not that easy. How can I throw her out like this??? Even if she'll go to her mother, they'll be living in an already crowded house, and it's my kids that also suffers from this. When I broke the news to my mum, she said that both her and my father had realized a long time ago that the child wasn't mine, but didn't want to interfere. On the other hand, when I spoke to my wife's mum, they said the same. Guess I was the only one blinded by my love for her. Which hurts like Hell. I know I can be a father to my children even if they're not living with me, or if I can have custody of them, which I doubt I can do right now with my state of mind. I cannot stand the idea of them being raised by a step dad either. Especially my two little princess. I took the child to my wife's mum on Friday evening, hoping I can go back home and clear my head and think better when he's not around. Though I feel bad to do this, I know he's innocent, but my life has been shattered. Her mum thinks we should go our separate ways, and I can come visit my kids everyday, which will not be easy because I will have to take a plane to do that everyday. I told her if we do get separated I want full custody of my kids. My mum on the other hand wants me to forgive my wife, give her a second chance and accept the child as my own (my dad was so attached to the little boy). I already spoke to the child's father on the phone, and he denied having anything to do with my wife, which is an expected answer. Anyways. I told my wife I'll give her a final chance, but it still hurts very bad. I have a management position and work 8 hours in an office alone, 6 days a week. The minute I get in I start thinking about this issue, and it's driving me crazy. Now I am wondering if it's worth living like this for the sake of my children. I will be seeing my psychologist tomorrow, as I'm feeling mentally unstable. I was already being treated for anxiety attacks after my accident 2 years ago...now this. I don't think I'm ready to take this risk again. I am not ready to be hurt this way again. And I can never love her or look at her like I did before. It's the separation from my kids that is breaking my heart. And the fact that I'll be alone once again. But on the other hand, maybe it's for the best.One thing I forgot to add...we are also responsible for my late sister's 2 youngest child. They already lost their mother 8 years ago when their father murdered her, and the bastard is now free after only 7 years inside...got off on a "technicality". He hasn't bothered about the kids so far. They are both under 10 years old. If my wife and I do get separated, I also have to think about them. I don't know what will happen to them, as my wife is not prepared to continue caring for them and her 4 children at the same time. Which is why I am lost, and do not know what to do. Please help.
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at work, co-worker, divorce, drunk, fell in love, her past, insecure Reply to this Question
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (21 December 2008):
 Dont know what to say really, apart from good luck, and I hope you get some peace in the end hun. You have done real well so far with it all thats for certain.
All the best xxxxxxx
A
male
reader, Blowfish +, writes (19 December 2008):
Blowfish is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your comments, it's been of great help to have others give their point of view of this very complicated issue. I will update you on my current situation. It's now been four months since my wife confessed that her 3rd child might not mine. I have done my DNA test and received the results. Indeed the child is not mine. She sat over an hour starring at the results when I gave it to her, I guess she was still hoping the child would be mine, even if he is clearly different from all my kids (he is much darker - as the father is black). Well, we are still living together though you could cut the tension with a knife. I am trying to make it work for the kids sake, as if it was not for them I would have moved on from the beginning. The little boy has grown very attached to me, cried each time I drive off to work as loves seating on my lap and holding the steering wheel. I do love him as I know he's innocent in all this. Though I haven't been able to communicate much with my wife for the past few months, I did manage to tell her how I feel. She wanted to know if I can live with the boy, seeing him everyday. I told her that it's HER that I cannot live with, that I cannot face because it's HER that I trusted with my life and it's HER that betrayed me.
It's hard to realize that after spending almost 11 years with someone, sleeping on the same bed, raising children together, only to be betrayed in the worst way...I'm still taking one day at a time. Trying to deal with my feelings, if indeed I can carry on for the kids sake or I need to start over. For now I'm helping my wife set up a small business so she doesn't have to depend on me financially. I also plan on filing for divorce maybe Feb though haven't thought about the separation yet, just don't want her to have my family name anymore as I've been humiliated enough as it is.
Now about the father of her 3rd child, my wife & I went to see him (with the child).
Though he did pass by in the waiting room where we were sitting (he must have noticed my wife), we did not get a chance to have a tete a tete. My wife and I did talk to his boss (which ironically - is in charge is social affairs in my country). I got my wife to phone him which she did and tell him about the child. He also agreed to pay child support. My next step then was getting my wife to file a case with the family tribunal office for the father to start paying child support, they contacted him while we were there and he did not agree on the monthly amount I got my wife to ask for (it is a bit steep, though I don't really care. I've been struggling for 2 years to make ends meet while he kept on with his womanizing life style. He needs to learn a lesson). So now he's been summoned to court beginning of 2009. I'm happy I've been able to get this far & remaining calm. (I planned each step to deal with this issue, though still hurt and broken hearted, I'm making sure both my wife and the father take their responsibilities FULLY for their actions - I don't want to sit quietly in the corner keeping all my pain bottled up). My wife didn't want to take him to tribunal or let him know about the child. I told her it was either that or we go our separate ways. My heart must have turned to stone the past month with all these issues I've been dealing with, I pray I make it out with my sanity.
So that's about it. My kids are with their grandmother now for school holidays, my wife (and baby daughter) decided to stay with me. She's walking on thin ice when it comes to me now, she making sure to do EVERYTHING to be closer to me. It hasn't been easy, though I'm starting to think it will be for the best to try and make things work even if I still struggle with the pain I feel everyday because of what she did. Maybe one day I'll find the happiness I've been looking for.
God bless you all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): Hi Blowfish, wow your situation is really complicated. If she had cheated on you, but did not fall pregnant with the other mans child, I could see how it could be easier, but knowing that she has another child by another man and wants you to father it as if it were your own is very selfish on her part.But I am sure you already know that. Fortunately, being a father is not restricted to blood, meaning that if you step up as father to this child, you will be his father. He will see you as his father. The world will accept you as his father.As much as I am against cheating, and using other people, you have to realize that your wife is a woman. Im sure a lot of women here will HATE what I am about to say, but it is reality.Women are prone to think with emotions, they can be as logical as you or I, but if their emotions get into the mix they will out weigh their rational thoughts. Your wife knew it was wrong, she probably regrets it with all her heart, however when she was being seduced by the other man she was in an emotional state, not a logical one.When your wife looks at you, she sees you as the one, she will come home to you always. She loves you, and she wants to be with you. There is no other man in her mind that can match up to you. There is no doubt in your wifes head about you. But, like all women, your wife is an emotional being, and is able to be caught up in the "moment".Trust is the hardest thing for two people to maintain in a relationship. It can take a 10 years of work to build trust in a relationship and only 1 incident that lasted less than an hour to destroy it all. Its fragile, and it should not be tested. However, your at a point now where that trust has fallen, and you are being tested.It would be easy to walk away and start over, but more rewarding for you and your family to make this work. Remember, you dont own your wife, all you have with her is a short time together. Your wife does not think like you, just as no two people think alike. We all make mistakes, we all learn from them.If your wife has realized her problems, and is working towards fixing them, for good, then you should see that as a positive and work with it. Remember also, that the person you are today, is not the same person you were yesterday, and the same can go for your wife. Everyone has the ability to change and grow.
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A
female
reader, desperate_angel  +, writes (26 August 2008):
 Hi blowfish, your situation is very complicated and youve been in a hard moment. You know when Im reading all what you wrote, it breaks my heart. Its because of the reality that how far you have been hurt in your life. I know this is very complicated issue and also links from the your past life. I am a woman and i understand what you will feel for her. She's your wife and your still inlove with her. What she told you that past is past and no need to lean back from it is true. I know its real hard for you to forget the pain because it is not ordinary. Although it is very painful we have to face the reality. Although some things break our heart we need to let go of the past and live for the future. Come to realize this if you will going to divorce her is it the way that you could forget all of this. When both of you will be divorsed, how about the kids, could you manage to take care of them since you'r now working in a management position. Listen to your mother she is right blowfish. Give her another chance forgive her. We are human prone to mistakes. According to the bible "Jesus said that if someone offended you forgive him/her 70 times 7 thats 490 times we should forgive anybody. Forgiveness relies in our heart and not in our mind only. If you learn to forgive other its like you also free yourself from resentment. You have 3 kids dont let them grow in pain and shattered life. Stand up for your right as a father. talk to her there is also a way to be both of you to still be happy. although its a not a good idea discuss to her that you are not comfortable with that other child, be open. if she would offer you that she could let the father take care of the baby instead of keeping it in your house that is far more better for the two of you. Well i hope i could help you in this matter and dont dont forget to pray. Prayer is the most powerful thing on earth believe me. Take care blowfish
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2008): I feel great empathy for what you are going through. The obvious fact is that your wife has at least not been faithful to you and that means your trust towards her is gone. I am also dealing with some trust issues since I discovered about my wife's infidelity some 8 months ago. Your case is even more complicated by the fact that your wife even conceived out of her cheating. In my case, I decided to give her a second chance but I can assure you that if you it is not easy as I am still struggling to accept the reality that I have to live with for the rest of my life.Whether you decide to stay or part with her, it's not gonna be easy either way because of the children.But the most important thing for you now is your job. My heart is with you.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (26 August 2008):
Wow, way too much to comment on all of it, but have you thought about a break apart? I know everyone is different, but my mate had a similar situation happen, and after some time apart, he ended up getting back with his wife and bringing the girl up as his own, even though she is dark skinned/hair, and him, his older daughter and wife are all blonde. He got through it, and they are happier than ever now. The child doesn't see her biological dad.
It does sound like you need a bit of time out from it all.
My kids dad was a very hands on dad, and came to see them everyday after we split. 7 yrs on he sees them every other week. Everyone is happy. They are your children though, you should be able to see them when you like surely you could sort that out?
Heart goes out to you. Your instincts must of driven you mad all that time. Its a biggie to get over.
C xxxx
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