A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I love my husband but he thinks it's nomal for him to contact his ex girlfriend after the hell she put us through. He also thinks it's nomal for him to watch porn by himself while he is married he loves double d's for breast and he likes thick hair and I'm neither. I want him to love me for me. Am I bring too controlling when I tell him he need to choose her or me and our 7 month old daughter? The porn has to go. Help.!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2008): Yes eyes, I'd like to know as well eyes... dose he have any other children, with either his ex-wives, or his ex girlfriends? Why doesn't his parents want to see your child? How can the some naked women in porn be so important, I think you have bigger problems than that. There's a lot of the story that is missing here, so I can't provide any advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2008): I totally agree with too sensitive 100%
You described my exact feelings! Its been a year since it came to a head with my husband and I associate porn with mistrust, lies etc.
We have been trying really hard to work at it and are going well. It does rear its ugly head now and then and we deal with it. We have 2 children and love each other so want it to work. I made him read these forums about how other women feel and it did change his views quite a bit.
I couldnt be 100% sure if he doesnt still look at it but he tells me he doesnt and tells me to check his computer, phone etc. I have also been to counselling and she said I HAVE to trust him or we wont work.
It will take time but the porn does have to go first and if he is really serious about you and your relationship he will respect your feelings toward it...Good Luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings are still the same and it breaks my heart it really does. I love him but if he loves me he would stop hurting me but he says I'm so inscured when it comes to porn and ex wives and ex girlfrend that there stick there noses in our marriage and it hurts me. My in laws don't want to see my daughter and its almost Christmas time.
Jess.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 December 2008):
 What's his reasoning for contact with his ex? Do they have children together?
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A
female
reader, Too Sensitive +, writes (4 December 2008):
No, no, no, no! You are not being too controlling and have every right to give him an ultimatum. I am not clear - when you say ex-gf, did he cheat on you? Or was she before you? Either way, it is NOT acceptable for him to have any communication with her whatsoever, based on what you've stated. I think it's ok to communicate with an ex if it is not done in secret and both parties decided that hey, we can't be together romantically, but we can remain friends, and this is all in place before you get involved with someone else. However, having a friend of the opposite sex can also wreak havoc on a relationship (I know from personal experience - my fiance is insanely jealous of a male friend of mine - we were friends for many years, decided to date, then went back to just being friends). But that does not sound anything like what's going on with your husband. To maintain contact with an ex when a person has cheated, or the ex makes trouble, is absolutely not acceptable! She is interfering with your marriage. Your husband should know this and respect your feelings and your marriage. You are not being out of line in my opinion.
As far as the porn, it does seem to bother many women (myself included), understandably. Some people will say that we are insecure, prudish, any number of criticisms. There are also many women who enjoy porn themselves, and either watch alone and/or watch with their partners. I don't criticize them for what they do, so I don't appreciate it when they criticize me for my choice.
If it makes you feel bad about yourself and it bothers you, your husband needs to respect your feelings and your marriage in this arena as well. A person is either comfortable with porn or they're not. It is a very personal choice in my opinion.
Someone who cannot stop viewing porn may have what is called a sexual addiction. Just b/c someone is viewing porn does not mean they are sexually addicted. It depends on their habits (not necessarily frequency). Search the internet for information - there's plenty out there on the subject. Though my fiance was not viewing porn every day, it was b/c he was doing so in secrecy, and also developed a habit of stroking himself constantly in front of me, among many other things (not being able to look at me during lovemaking, faking an orgasm then running to the bathroom to finish up himself, etc.), that led me to believe he was sexually addicted. A therapist confirmed that yes, he was a sex addict. The therapy has helped quite a bit, but he still has a long way to go. I haven't found any evidence that he is viewing porn at home (trust me, I look), but I can't vouch for what goes on at work. He claims that he is not able to view it at work b/c the company has filters that prevent it, but how do I know he's not lying about that too? I told him if he is viewing it at work, that he could be putting his job and our livelihood at stake.
My fiance was watching porn in secret, I accidentally discovered. This after I casually asked him on several occasions if he did this, and each time he lied to me, saying that he does not and that it "never really did anything for him". He lied to me on at least 3 occasions about it, and then once I found out, he lied to me 3 more times about it. Despite the fact that back then I was okay with it and told him we could even rent movies and watch them together. He repeatedly declined. I never asked or demanded he stop. I merely wanted to know if he looked at it. Now I am no longer okay with it. It is b/c he lied to me and betrayed the trust of our relationship...hence I associate porn with mistrust, lying, and betrayal. For myself, and for my fiance, I now think of porn as dirty, shameful, degrading, insulting, and humiliating. I think it's an industry gone out of control, much like our society in general. I think it is intrusive to a relationship and to building true intimacy between 2 people. All that being said, I realize that most men do watch it, or at least want to watch it. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. I am trying to get the courage up to just go rent an adult movie and pop it in one night when my son is away on a sleepover, and see how my fiance reacts. If he is not able to watch it with me, then that tells me he still has a problem with it, if he does not want to share that part of his sexuality with me, but would rather view in secret.
Even after a man stops watching porn (to the best of our knowledge), the repercussions remain indefinitely. It does get easier over time, but things can happen that trigger us and trigger the memories to come flooding back all over again. It has been months since this porn situation came to a head between us, and I am still grappling with it from time to time. The damage inflicted has been tremendous. I have also been in therapy to try to sort through it, accept it, and move on.
I used to be secure, confident, independent, free-thinking, many positive things. My fiance used to make me feel as though I was the only woman in the world, and always the only woman in the room. My fiance is also the one who took that feeling away from me, and I don't feel as though it will ever return. Along with the porn watching in secret, I've caught him numerous times looking at women very inappropriately, flirting with other women, masturbating at inappropriate times. I've been in serious relationships before, and I've never had to endure any of this behavior from a man in the past. Not to mention that if I put on music and start to dance provocatively, he immediately looks away and starts clipping his nails or anything to divert his attention away from me. I cannot tell you how bad this makes me feel about myself. He enjoys watching other women dance in the videos he's viewed (I've watched them myself after I discovered them to see what he was viewing), yet he can't watch the woman he claims he loves and desires dance for him? Makes me feel as though I'm not good enough, not as enticing as they are. Again, I think he's got issues that he still needs to resolve (as do I - I can't allow him to make me feel bad about myself, though it's difficult if not impossible when he behaves the way he does). I've told him that he is the only man I've ever been involved with that does not watch me when I dance (which is true). So the last time, he watched, but he did not react, and it was obviously forced. He still seemed to be disinterested. It is a slap in the face to my womanhood.
Why do I stay with him? Sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel as though we can work through everything over time. Other times I feel as though I'm going to kick him to the curb. There's got to be love there, otherwise he would have been long gone after the first lie. When you love someone, you try to work at the relationship and forgive them for how they've hurt you. And he is trying to change his behavior (and already has in some areas). I have to give him credit for that. And I am trying to change as well.
I am sharing all this with you in the hopes that you will identify with at least some of it and that it will help you decide which direction to take. If your husband continues this hurtful behavior and does not respect your feelings or your marriage, you may only have one choice left to make. Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2008): its porn, just a sex movie, deal with it.
make the ex go tho.
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