A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:For the past month or two I have been having serious doubts about whether to proceed with my long distance relationship of 3 years. I used to feel like there was no doubt that this man was my soulmate and we'd both look forward to our future together but now he is the one who puts all the commitment and energy and devotion into our relationship while I feel distant, confused, guilty and resentful. For clarity, we met online and met in person a year later and thereafter have travelled 600 miles to be together whenever we can get time off work.A big problem, I think, is leaving it too long before we first met in person. Everything was so perfect and amazing in theory and even though our time spent together in person ended up being wonderful and the best time of my life I cannot escape or deny the fact that I never felt a "spark" when I first laid eyes on him in reality. We had used webcam and photos before we met but I still felt a little disappointed for some reason when things became real. I believe that had we met in the usual way instead of online I would not have been attracted to him enough to pursue a serious relationship. He has told me he felt even stronger, more attracted to me and all the wonderful things I wanted to feel when he met me for the first time. I wish I felt the same way, I desperately want to have that spark because he has been perfect for me in all other respects - kind, warm, loving, devoted - and I am scared both that I'll never feel that spark and the resentment will grow or that I'll walk away from the best thing that ever happened to me.Our other meetings have been similar...I'll spend the first day or two questioning whether I'm that attracted to him or waiting for a spark but by the end of our meeting I'll be crying and upset to leave him after having had an amazing time together. Maybe that feeling of "no spark" is just the time it takes to adjust to being physically in close proximity after being apart but I'm scared to make any further commitments in case I end up trapped in a relationship that is lacking something fundamental. I will admit that these doubts seem to come to my mind in the long periods of separation between our meetings. I go from devastated, longing and desperately sad about the distance separating us to cold, distant and doubting whether it's all worth it. Could these feelings be just products of the stress of a LDR or a sign we should break up? We have spent every single day since we met talking for hours and hours to each other or spending all of our time together when in person that I really don't know if I could deal with suddenly having no contact with him - I know I'd miss him terribly. Meanwhile, as I'm having all these hellish doubts, my boyfriend is acutely aware of the fact I'm questioning the relationship. He cries nearly every day about it and I have had to listen to him sob his heart out and even threaten to kill himself if he cannot be with me. I feel so guilty but at the same time so trapped. He wants to move up to my city because he thinks it's just the distance that is making me doubt us but what would I do if he moves here and it doesn't work out? He's already told me he would stay here even if I wanted out and never stop trying to win me back. Sometimes I'm uncomfortable about how into me he is...he can be obsessive about it and has lost contact with his friends (he used to be very sociable) and family in order to devote himself to me. I will admit I was more mentally and physically attracted to "the old him" when he was more interesting, fun, exciting and confident not just 100% focused on me. He has even said one time when he was very upset that he would never let me go, even if I wanted to break up with him and that he would tie me up if he had to or punish me when I change my mind and go back to him but he later said he didn't really mean it, that he was just frustrated I couldn't see how perfect we are together. Still, all of this just adds to my anxiety and doubt. I do love him, I'm just not in love with him right now but at the same time I've grown so close to him that being apart from him with no contact anymore would be almost unbearable. Some advice on what I should do would be so valuable to me - should I carry on with the relationship or should I do the more difficult thing and break it off?
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long distance, met online, period, soulmate, spark, trapped Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, samsmommy  +, writes (4 December 2008):
 Ok don't take offense to this, but it just sounds extremely weird and a little creepy that he would tell you he would kill himself if you guys broke up, and also that even if you wanted out he still would never stop trying to win you back. It's kind of nice that he cares that much about you, but it seems like he's way too attached. Also, just for the record, love is not some feeling you have or butterflies in your stomach, love is a choice. So I wouldn't judge whether or not you love him by the way he looks, or if there is a spark.
Maybe you guys should take a break, you seem like you're going back and forth and it sounds like you don't know what you want, maybe if you took a break, and went back to being friends, even if it's only for a week, you can get a chance to seriously think about if you still want to date him.
I hope my answer helped msg me anytime.
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