A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So my wife and I have been married for 18 months. We have lived together for 4 years. Best way to put this is I am basically the woman of the relationship. I do about 90% of the house work, cooking cleaning ect. I was just raised that way to be very clean and to cook. Our problem is that we have no passion. I try, I surprise her with gifts and many other things. I do consider myself a very romantic person. Many of her friends and family tell her she is lucky to have me. She just doesn't show that to me. We go months without sex 3-4months. I bought her an expensive watch that she has been wanting for valintines day and flowers. I took her to dinner and a movie and I get a ball cap in return. We go to bed I get the nuh uh. So I roll over and go to sleep. I have tried talking to her about this she gets very hostile. So I tried the writing a letter approach and she insists nothing is wrong and she is just not comfortable with herself. We go to the gym and workout 2-3 times a week together. I just don't know what to do at this point. I have tried not doing anything for her to realize what I do and still nothing. I do love her I just feel she just does what she has to do get by. I am exhausted at this point.
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male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (13 May 2014):
 Hi,
I would take the issues she raises about being unhappy with herself at face value, and tend to believe it is true. Unless you know otherwise.
3-4 months without sex is not natural for a married couple, and if she will not commit to seeing a marriage counselor I am unsure of what else you can try.
You have tried being kind, doing the romantic things, and it didn't work. I would tend to think from that, maybe she wants someone more masculine and someone who takes charge.
Try roleplaying that scenario and see if she responds.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2014): I would say this, in an even non-accusing tone:
"Healthy married people in their 20s don't go several months without sex. Something is seriously wrong between us. If you want to fix it then you need to start talking to me and we can work on it together. If you don't want to try fix it then its time for us to talk about getting a divorce."
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 May 2014):
I see two obvious problems here: her body image and you "being the woman of the relationship". That's not exactly going to make her moist with anticipation.
I think you need to start expecting her to contribute more around the house. Don't play games, just tell her you want her to start helping, and maybe make a chore list if you feel it'll help.
Also, when it comes to romance, don't expect gifts to make her want sex, you need to seduce her. Think of what you might have done in the beginning to get her in bed. It's different for every woman, so experiment.
Finally, you may just be incompatible. I know that's not what anyone wants to hear, but she doesn't seem too concerned with your happiness so it's not likely she'll start changing.
Marriage counseling might help.
Regarding her body issues, this may be an excuse or a good reason. Do you have any intimacy? Cuddling, kissing, etc? If not then it may be more than body issues. At the same time maybe she doesn't want to encourage you.
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