A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My Mother is completely against my future marriage and it's creating a lot of arguments/tension/and anger.My mom lives overseas, so she has never met my fiance. I have tried to tell her about him and the wonderful guy I think she is, she barely wants to hear anything about him, but what little she does know, she doesn't like.She doesn't like the fact that he has kids (I also have one) that he has been divorced (I have as well) the fact that he doesn't have his degree yet (I have two) The fact that he doesn't make that much money (neither do I really) the way his parents "look" and the list goes on, and on and on.I know she has my interests and heart, but she is making me crazy and not even want to speak with her. She thinks that I am settling and could do better. She didn't come to my first wedding (which hurt) and it's safe to say she probably has no intention of coming to this one. The fact that she was right about my first marriage being doomed to failure puts doubt in my mind about this one. I wish she would just come around and try to be happy and at least supportive of me and trust my judgement. She is very stubborn and narrow minded. I really want her to be there for the wedding...I know my Dad isn't thrilled with any of this, but I am pretty sure he would at least come to the wedding. The fact that they are so against it really dampers what should be a happy occasion.Any advice on how I can either better cope with this or get her to come around?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 May 2014):
 I am sure this is very hard for you. The best thing I can tell you is that hopefully she will get over it sooner rather than later.
My son is going through a very similar problem with his Stepmother and father (they raised him so she's more like mom to him than I am).
THEIR issue is 100% that she is the "wrong religion" and they will not even entertain the idea of him dating her much less marry her. He got engaged about a month ago and still has not even told his father and stepmom. He's moving in July and has not told them either. They are going to blow a fit.
I keep telling him that grandbabies will make it all better... I hope so for his sake. It's very sad to be estranged from your mom but if they are misbehaving as adults (and not supporting your adult child in their healthy decisions is being non-supportive) then it's their loss.
My mother had a similar issue. She was 19 and had been dating her boyfriend for 3 years. He was being sent to Germany for his military service (it was mandatory then) and they married so she could go with him. Her mother was very VERY against this marriage saying that he was never going to make anything of himself and he was her least favorite choice for son in law. My mom was the middle of 3 girls and ended up marrying my dad in his parents home with her older sister there but not her mom, her dad or her younger sister.
Shortly after this marriage my grandparents came around and later in life my grandmother said (and I heard her) "he was my least favorite at first but in the long run he turned out to be the best son in law, the best husband and the best father. And he took GREAT care of all of us"
time heals a lot.
I know you want her approval now and that doesn't change that she's being non-supportive but I suggest you stand your ground... take lots and lots of pictures at the wedding and when she's ready, welcome her into your lives. Hopefully she can forgive herself and you can forgive her too.
It may take a few years but I suggest you stand your ground and live your life. I lost my mom at age 35 and I'd kill to be able to argue with her now.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2014): It's very unfortunate that you have such a cold, narrow minded person for a mother... I mean if you want to love each other for the rest of your life, that should be enough for ANY mother, regardless of how many degrees he has?.. A mother's love and support should be unconditional, and it's very sad when it isn't... Try and talk to your dad about how you feel, don't be ashamed to cry, as judgmental though they are, your family should be people you can turn to about anything,. Is there any other family you can get to try and get through to her?? I think when she realises how much it upsets you (as it would anyone) she would be pretty cold to not even come! But if she doesn't that's (tragically) who she is and trying to big your fiancé up for her isn't going to penetrate her narrow mind, if her own daughter's feelings won't. Sorry for your luck and wish you well!
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (12 May 2014):
 As a gay woman, I can completely relate to how it feels to not be accepted by parents or have your own parents not accept your choice of partners. It wouldn't matter if my partner was a brain surgeon or if she made minimum wage with no education. My parents wouldn't like it. And same with my partners mother. She hoped for her daughter to marry either a doctor or a lawyer .. well, with me, she'd be marrying a future lawyer, but she still hates me because of the fact that I'm a woman and not a man.
Anyway, my point being that despite the fact that it hurts and it's extremely frustrating, there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. You have to decide what's most important to you - your mothers approval or your love for this man. It ultimately doesn't matter what your mother thinks. Sure, it helps and is nice to have her support. But it's not required. Your happiness is above all the single most important thing to keep in mind. If your fiancé makes you happy, it makes no difference what his parents look like, or how much money he makes, etc. And your mother should be supportive of whatever makes you happy.
If I were you, I'd stop trying to talk to her about it. It doesn't sound like anything is going to change and truthfully, it doesn't sound like she deserves to be kept in the know, as she's only judgmental when she is infirmed. Just stop talking to her about him and the wedding completely. When she asks why, tell her exactly why - because she can't be supportive of your adult decisions, so you opt to not discuss them with her at all.
Good luck.
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