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The only way I see us being together is if she quits her job as a prostitute!

Tagged as: Big Questions, Dating, Trust issues

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Question - (6 June 2012)

58 Answers - (Newest, 5 July 2012)

A male age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I met a prostitute 2 months ago, when I went to see one - I knew I was taking a risk.

Now, I am not so sure, she is a wonderful girl, she's Hungarian, but 2 other girls work from the same flat as she does, and the one that speaks the best English is the madam, I think. As for, lets call her 'my one', I am pretty sure she gets told what to do, and what to say to me, by the madam. I don't think she would have asked for my hand in marriage if she wasn't put under pressure, or to borrow money.

If she was working on her own I'm sure she wouldn't have asked me for the above.

She also has a son, which is an added complication.

So the only way I can see us being together, truely together, is if she quits her job, as I don't really want to get involved in the dark side of prositution.

What do you think?

View related questions: money, prostitute

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

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I've finally deleted her phone number and her profile on Facebook - just took a while

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 July 2012):

I think you are being notified of your own answers on this post; as you post your own answer, the system sends you an email message, if you signed up for that feature. No one can PM you because your user name is not shown.

Apparently you are thinking about her, which would be natural, but as other aunts have suggested here, it is time to close this chapter in your life. I would assume that she has done what she needs to do to keep her son safe and that she is in a better situation back home.

Additionally, I would suggest you avoid having sex with prostitutes as you seem to become emotionally attached to them, not to mention you seem vulnerable and naive about the prostitution industry and how women are trafficked.

We wish you well but feel this seeming obsession with her won't be healthy for you. All the best.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

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Can you pm them t me please?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

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Not seeing any new answers!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2012):

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Do you think she actually has gone home for good?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):

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Try again Tom Obley - what did you put?!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):

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I'm not getting the answers for some odd reason!!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012):

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I got a text yesterday from M herself, saying that she didn't like her job here and she is staying at home with her son, and that she'll never forget me.

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (22 June 2012):

You may find it easier if you stay away from professional sex workers and limit yourself to people that offer their bodies for love ( or lust ) ,not for money.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2012):

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Even though most girls won't rip me off, I may find it hard to trust anybody in the near future!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012):

OK it's time to move on and forget about it: stop obsessing. Good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2012):

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I am not going to go back, but am I being human when I say to myself that I feel like being with her again?

And what may have happened to me if I stayed with her?

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A female reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 June 2012):

OP, really.... where do you live ?? In a fairytale book ?

Unluckily, it's a very sad thing, but there are thousands and thousands women who have to leave behind their kids. Why ? FOR MONEY: TO FEED THOSE KIDS.

In Italy we have around & millions immigrant workers, a good chunk of them are women , and a HUGE chunk of these women are mothers from poor Eastern Europe countries ( Ucraina, Moldavia , Rumania, Bulgaria... ) or from South East Asia ( Philippines , Sri Lanka...) or a score of Latin American countries. They have kids at home, and they come here to work and send money home.They are housemaids, or homecare aides, or factory workers , hotel cleaners, nurses, barmaids , shopgirls, you name it.

The illegal ones won't bring their kids along for obvious reasons, but also the legal ones prefer to leave them at home with friends and family, because who'd mind the child when they are at work or if they get sick ? Also , living here it's expensive, even local single mothers would have big yrouble just renting a place for themselves alone. The solution immigrants adopt is either to choose a domestic job that grantes them free lodging, or to share a place with other 4, 6, 8 people- not the best condition where to raise a kid . There are tons of practical reasons too ( language, food, climate ) why they may feel that's in the 3 y.o. kid's best interest stay at home , with relatives and family, rather than alone in a stranger country with an overworked mother.

Of course your friend 's case is a bit different, because she took a shortcut and she emigrated to be a whore. Much better pay, faster and easier money. But, what did you want her to do, take the child along while she is whoring away at night ?? Whores may not be ideal ,textbook mothers , yet they are mothers too.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2012):

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Candycane,

I didn't get that answer either, to why a mother can leave her 3 yr old?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012):

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I still don't get why anyone could leave a 3 year old boy without his mum!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012):

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Didnt think of it like that?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (15 June 2012):

Do you have homeless people there? We have homeless people here. What would you be capable of if you didn't have any money and needed to feed a child?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012):

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I didn't get that answer - how than they get so corrupted by money? [Mod note: when you reply to your own question you still get notified you get an answer. Perhaps this is why you think you are not getting new answers, because the answer you are being notified about is your own.]

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A reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2012):

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She may be more innocent than it sounds, she may not be. For argument's sake, if she was leading a normal life in Hungary, doing a legit job, how can she, forced or not, or anybody, become so corrupted by money?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 June 2012):

I guess that's a good question to sit and think about. Maybe try not thinking about it so much and just try some meditation and perhaps it will become clearer to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2012):

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Why is it harder for me to walk away from this girl than others?!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 June 2012):

All you can do is wait and see what happens. If you are concerned about your own involvement in the case, consult with a solicitor. In fact, the solicitor would likely be able to give you a much clearer view of what may happen in the case. If it is so troubling and worrying to you, why not invest the time and money to set your mind at ease?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012):

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I didn't get that answer!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2012):

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My friend called the police on the brothel and now they are watching it -

which could go one of two ways:

I could be identified somehow as a client and the girl's 'partner' (partner, for argument's sake).

If she is being trafficked, they could give her counselling snd send her back home.

Hopefully, she may have the sense to stay at home (for her sake)

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2012):

I don't know. I expect they will do what they can to get the trafficked women some help.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012):

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No, I think I will do.

Just in your personal opinion, what will happen if the brothel gets raided?

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2012):

I think one of life's lessons that is so difficult to accept is that we don't always know the outcome to everyone's story. I think perhaps this would be a good time to figure out how to live with uncertainty, with not knowing. It's okay.

If you are having this much trouble coping, have you talked to a counselor for help?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012):

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You may think this is stupid, but I want to know, for my peace of mind, what will happen, in regard to her.

If she willingly came to this country to do this (which I very much doubt) will she be able to quit? If so, will she go back to Hungary?

I now know through a friend that the brothel is being monitored, so it could get raided anytime. If she is being held against her will, will she get help from counsellors?

I know they shouldn't, but all these questions are inside my head!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2012):

I'm upset by it too, and I don't even know the girl. It's an upsetting and awful situation. Your reaction is natural. Try to take comfort in the fact that you've taken positive action that may help her in life, and may help others from being caught in the same situation.

And remember to breathe. When you find yourself becoming upset by it, sit quietly and breathe deeply, in and out deep cleansing breaths, and say to yourself, "here I am."

Be well.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2012):

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I hardly knew the girl - why am I so sad and upset about this?!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2012):

You've filled in the form, now cut contact. For your own safety, it's best to create as little drama as possible and just be forgotten now, okay?

Please do be more cautious in the future and avoid escorts or prostitutes, those words are basically synonyms.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012):

You haven't done anything wrong (yet). Why would anyone want to create trouble for themselves by hurting you? Just step away from it all. Hope that the police deal with it, and if not I'm sure another punter will turn up soon enough and the whole process will start again and you'll be forgotten about.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012):

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There may be other men behind it as well, they may hurt me or my family

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012):

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I did email Crimestoppers - well filled in a form

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A male reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 June 2012):

I agree with Tisha.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2012):

She must have had more than one punter. You don't really know how long she's been in the UK - someone told you it was 2 days but is that person reliable and honest?

How would the Madam know it was you that reported this (if you do)? And anyway, what do you think the Madam will be able to do to you?

Do you think she's scouring this website - highly unlikely. Just step away from it all and do the right thing.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 June 2012):

Try calling Crimestoppers and then the police. I sincerely doubt the madam would be able to track you, did you send any of them an email?

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

It sounds as though human trafficking may be involved here. Women are coerced or tricked into leaving their poor countries for promising jobs in the West that turn out to be forced prostitution. There are countless ways to separate a horny man from his hard-earned money, and you seem ripe for easy pickings.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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I have just watched a video on a website, about how foreign women are lured here with the promise of big money legitimately only to be forced into prositution.

If I do call Crimestoppers or the police to help her, can my ip address be tracked by her madam?!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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I think I know deep down what I have to do.

It's just hard to admit to myself!

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 June 2012):

I expect they see you as a target. They are probably trying to find a way to extract money from you.

Whatever you do, cut contact with her. If you want to try to help her, let the police know you are concerned she's been trafficked or is being held against her will and let them sort it out.

There's no point in trying to figure the situation out any further than that: whatever they are up to, it isn't good. If you stay involved with her, even if she 'quits' her job, you will be involved with them.

Sorry, but it would be wiser for you to get away from them now.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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When I first asked her out when I paid her, there was no money involved (apart from drinks buying), then we paid half each for lunch, then I met the other girl (the madam I think) which was when the trouble started.

I know this doesn't change things, but why did this trouble start when I met her boss?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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I didn't get any of that

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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Can you say (and I am not asking this to be controversial) that there is a big (more than 90%) chance of her being told what to do and say?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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She, not her friend, has told me she doesn't like her job (who would?)

What will happen to her if they do bust them?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

No the police won't track it back to you because they have to prove you're paying for sex. They cant prove that from a phonecall if you're not there when they bust them.

OP her being told what to do is even more grounds to call the police. She won't get in trouble OP prostitution in brothels is a very minor offence legally for the escort herself in the UK.

You have nothing to fear and she has nothing to fear.

OP what if I told you she's very possibly being held there against her will. That it's more than likely the people that are holding her are using her kid and the threat of violence to that kid to keep her there making them money against her will. You cant let that continue can you?

If she is doing this willingly then the worst she'll get is a warning from the cops and she can go back selling herself if she likes. But the police will help her. They will give her support and give her numbers for women's hostels and shelters so she can stop being a prostitute. If you really want to make this woman's life better then call the cops. OP no one is punished in the UK for doing the right thing. Nothing bad will happen and you will be saving her from this harsh abusive life she finds herself in. Seriously give them an anonymous call now and let her get help.

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A male reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (7 June 2012):

You may need a reality check on this one. Basically, she is an escort/call girl/hooker, you are a punter. It is her job to make you want to go back to her. the more you visit, the more she gets paid. You need to find a real relationship, someone who does not charge you, otherwise this problem may never go away.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2012):

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If I go to the police, won't they be able to track it back to me?

I don't want to go to the police really, as (and I know it doesn't excuse it) I think she is being told what to do.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2012):

I think this is a lonely and vulnerable man who was looking for companionship and finds himself in a situation beyond his comprehension.

Poster, I would end contact with this woman and I would recommend having a chat with the local police. She needs to be helped, but this is beyond your scope, I think.

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A female reader, Ciar +, writes (6 June 2012):

Trafficked...I was thinking the same thing myself and if so her handlers won't let her go so easily.

I have to agree that I think you've created a relationship where there isn't one. It's just business and you're a means to an end. I really don't know why you're over analysing this.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

Listen, you seem to have fallen for someone you don't know. Then, the language barrier means you have little chance of finding out what she really feels. Do you want to save her from the life that awaits her. You can't possibly love her, you are attracted and taken with her and touched by her plight. You may be opening a whole can of worms. Why is she here working as a prostitute? - because life is damn hard where she comes from - yes a life here would be very good in comparison. BUT don't feel you are her white knight. You could give her a life and be dumped once things were settled. Please be wary.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (6 June 2012):

Isn't this the one who wanted you to sign some papers, and who doesn't speak English?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

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She also told me (through her friend) that, when I first went to see her, she'd only been here 2 days.

Could it be possible that she was being an escort in Hungary as well?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

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One question - she advertises herself as being an escort? What's the difference between a prostitute and an escort?

Why does she say she'll quit her job then?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

You're already part of the dark side by being her John.

Lets examine the base question here shall we? I will only get with you if you quit your only means of supporting your child.

What do you think is going to happen here? Nothing, you paid her to act like a girlfriend for a while and that's that. How you can get as confused and deluded about the whole thing is beyond me.

OP this girl has probably been trafficked too and the whole marriage thing is weird.

This is going to get very messy for you. You mixed business with personal and gained feelings for a business transaction. If you want a relationship OP go pay for a normal woman.

Pro's are actresses that you pay to pretend to enjoy shagging you, to pretend to be interested where's al this other crap coming from?

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A female reader, Ciar +, writes (6 June 2012):

I don't like the smell of this at all. So I would steer clear of her and anyone connected to her.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

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My sister is concerned though that I may get involved in some kind of criminal activity!

She has told me she wants to quit her job.

However, lots of people say she will just use me to stay in the country.

Other people have told me to cut and run because of the fact she is a prostitute and getting in too deep (poaaibly because of the criminal gangs behind prostitution)

By the way, I've only been to see her once! (as a client) and about 7 times otherwise.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2012):

Before a barrage of comments come deterring you, I'm going to

stick my oar in first.

She might have been told to say these things, the love she has for you might not be genuine but it is no less likely to be genuine than the love from anyone. Her being a prostitute doesn't mean she might not have feelings for you, just like if you are a checkout guy and you fancy a customer, however since her job involves a lot of emotional labour I think it's unlikely she'd suddenly for for you if she's only just met you, she'd have to know that she meant something beyond her job to you for you to mean that to her. Do you see her a lot? Do you talk a lot? Ignoring the fact that you pay for her time examine whether there is an actual rappoport in conversation, the fact that she sleeps with you is obviously not an indicator.

Examine your own feelings too, is it her you want?, Do you actually know her or is it the idea of her you like? Can you see yourself working through the language barrier? Can you see yourself working to become part of her family? If not then you probably like her more out of opportunity than because you truly do. Finally as someone whose always dated people who are okay with my kind of work, it is unfair especially since you're happy to visit prostitutes for you to expect her to give her job up, you're asking her to give up the freedom of her financial independence on your whim. I think before you can even think of asking that you should see if you can work past it, she may because close enough to that she chooses to.

Good luck to both of you.

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