A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello,So I've been with my bf for 4 years. Its been a battle to say the least. Some major control issues for the 1st 3 yrs on his behalf. He's finally loosening up over this last year except he still contacts me excessively. Which I find annoying. I've discovered how dishonest he is especially about money. He has an ongoing gambling problem and I've said to him to seek help. He says yes and then give some corny explanation as to why he's unable to go to meetings etc. Anyways, the gambling is excessive so are the endless lies. The scams to obtain money to gamble, the borrowing off people he knows to gamble. Sometimes he gambles as much as 4 thousand a month. Then expects me to help him with his rent, his over due bills. I quit helping him financially as he owes me a great deal of money which I know lll never see. I've gotten to the point where I'm fed up. I can't believe a word he says and its unfortunate because he has this amazing side to him. Although his insecurities,and gambling have become too much for me to bare. The most recent episode was yesterday when he told me he spent 4 grand recently yet again, and the only reason why he told me was because his rent is due and he will be kicked out. He goes on and on like a familiar song and dance about, lll change I'm ready now I love you, etc. Then he will try and manipulate me into paying his things yet again. I told him flat out "no". I said, " I'm not a bank machine and to seek help". I'm so frustrated and disappointed. He never has any money because he gambles it. I'm tired of taking him out for suppers and I deserve someone who will treat me nice and take me out for a change. What do you think?
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (6 June 2012):
Ok. Tough love time.
Ill sum it up for you. He has a problem. You know he has a problem. He knows he has a problem. He is openly unwilling to do anything about it. You know this as well. This adds up to one thing - he is a loser, and will continue to be a loser. He will stay with you and long as you can and will subsidize his loserness. If you stay long enough, he could make you a loser as well.
You need to cut and run. Now. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Cut and run. Today is not soon enough.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 June 2012):
 Gambling is a hard addiction. I'm glad you stopped trying to "help" him financially. Because constantly digging him out when he get himself into financial trouble is a form of enabling. And it's NOT helping him or yourself.
Personally I would cut my losses. He's had 4 years to seek help and he chooses NOT to. Maybe because he doesn't WANT to admit he's got a problem or because he doesn't THINK he's got a problem.
You are his partner, not his parent, you are NOT responsible for him. You have TRIED over and over to get him to get help and all you got was "corny" excuses.
There is not instant fix/cure for a gambler. And even less so for one who will not even seek help.
The control issues you had with him sounds kind of "normal" for someone who has an addiction. They CAN NOT control their gambling, so they try and control everything else in their environment. (including people) You also mention that he likes to manipulate you into doing things, such as help him with money.
I would end the relationships now. IT is NOT going to get better til he SEES and ACCEPT that he does have a problem. And even if he does get help, this will take years. IF he will change at all.
I know that sounds cold, but I can't imagine having to parent a partner for the rest of my life.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (6 June 2012):
 What do I think? I think the time for you to evaluate the relationship and the benefits it brings to you are well overdue.
Four thousand pounds a month on gambling and you are in the habit of forking out the cash to pay his rent?
I don't think he is ever going to be a man to take you out for suppers, and if that is what you want you need to remove this loser, and he is a loser, sounds like on average he loses 1000 per week, that 52,000 per year or, in the four years you have been involved with him he has lost 208,000 .... that makes him a BIG LOSER in my book, so lose this loser because as long as he is in your life, scamming everybody he knows and sucking you dry to maintain his loser lifestyle, there wont be any room for the nice man you really want.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (6 June 2012):
It just surprises me that you are still with him. I have no idea what future you can ever hope to have with this guy. Not to mention the fact that you continue to take care of him allows him to remain the way he is. Even if he changes I am sure it will be for a short time. I am only 26 but this relationship isn't far from what I hear of teenagers.
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