A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you know if someone is "the One"? Just generally. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, daletom  +, writes (22 March 2013):
Several good responses here. Please take time to think about them.
Building on what has been said, you may have found "the one" when you both decide to be "the one" for each other. Some factors that affect this decision include:
- Attraction. For each person, "attractiveness" is a different mix of physical, mental, and character qualities.
- Beliefs. Being in agreement about exactly what it means to be "the one". What obligations do you have to "the one", and what does "the one" owe to you? Do you intend to be "the one" for now, or for ever?
- Practicality. Are the plans, goals and directions of your lives compatible? What would you be willing to change or give up for the benefit of "the one"? What would "the one" change for you?
- Finances. Beginning with "who pays for what?". The traditional Christian marriage vows include the lines ". . . for richer or for poorer . . .", and ". . . all my worldly goods I thee endow . . . ".
- Sex. Really WANTING to give your bodies for each other's enjoyment, and bear each other's children.
And yes, sometimes in the end you just KNOW it first, THEN you see all these other factors working out.
A
female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (21 March 2013):
Dear OP,
When I fall in love at first sight and think "this is THE ONE".. the man/woman usually later turns out to be a terrible narcissist who loves himself more than me. So, if I always followed my "feelings" and my heart whenever it has something to say, I'd be someone else's unhappy, foot-licking servant by now.
This feeling like "this is the one" usually, for me has turned out to be more like: "Wow, another good-looking and self-centered person that makes me forget my existence and has me turn around him like the earth around the sun.. wow, now I feel love and get nothing but pain, must be a really deep connection then, right?"
I usually feel the most purest love for those that aren't so much interested in me.
So you know, I will know I found the real one, when I can stand the mediocricy and the imperfections and still want to hang around. When I can laugh about the fact that he does that thing I don't like in bed, when I can forgive him when he doesn't flush the toilet or doesn't shave perfectly and when I trust him enough to get me pregnant, cause I believe he will stay around.
I think real love, not the delusioned, heart-breaking teenage version of it, real love is always close to the imperfections. It is when you see someone for who they are, accept what annoys you, and still want to stay because in the end, it's worth it and you have something great together. It's hard work and requires a lot of maturity. I don't think someone can really be "the one" in the beginning.. maybe he can become the one, with time and mutual effort.
If something's perfect and easy, it's not real and it won't last.
Oh my, I hope you can make any sense out of this. Sorry, this is an emotional topic for me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I don't believe there is only ONE out there for each of us. That would be rather catastrophic, wouldn't it?
I DO believe that someone can have an instant attraction which can lead to a great connection and long term relationships. But like anything lasting, it takes work.
But I DO think that if you have been with someone for quite a while you KNOW if that is something you want to keep building on and keep working on.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (21 March 2013):
You typically do just know, but typically at an age greater than 21.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I'm on my fourth "the one"
and to be honest the guy that was MY ONE... that I loved and adored with my heart and soul and mourned more than any other boy that left me... I was not his one... and he was never one of my husbands..
Judaism has the whole "bershert" thing saying that when you are born God picks your match and you will know it... they are your "bershert" I am sorry I do not buy it.
But the truth is when you meet someone and it clicks for both of you they are your one for then and there.... until it unclicks. If you are lucky you click for life.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (21 March 2013):
 I'm with Cerberus. I don't believe in stuff like "the one", and I've never liked the term "soulmate" either. However, it's not exclusively a term used by women. There are many guys who say stuff like that as well if the sappy love songs written over the years by guys are evidence of that (I can't *stand* Michael Bolton's music...ugh).
Those terms are limiting, because they imply that a person only has so much love to give. Everyone is different, and just because things go south in a marriage or a long-term commitment doesn't mean that that's it, and there's only one.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): Guess what, "the one" doesn't exist OP. Only women really believe in that shit, and they love to spout the nonsense of "I thought he was the one" constantly about any guy they really like or end up with for a few years.
I've had 3 great loves in my life time OP. My current fiancée of 7 years and 2 ex's who I loved just as deeply as her. The fact my fiancée is my one now doesn't mean I loved any less in the past and it certainly doesn't mean I'll never love again if she ever goes.
Some people find a life long partner to grow old with early, but the vast majority of us don't.
You will never "know" he is the one because like most women you'll think every guy you fall in love with is, you'll just "feel" it, so it must be true, every time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): You don't have to ask.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2013): What do you mean by the 'ONE'?
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A
male
reader, LivingWithBadDecisions +, writes (21 March 2013):
 if there was only one for every person then people who lose their spouse to an illness or other natural causes would never find love again.there may only be one 'the one' but that doesnt mean you would never find love after that if something happened.Cooper
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