A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:He and I have known each other since we were 13. When we were freshmen in high school, we would go through periods of being together and being apart--it wasn't anything serious. Last year, I contacted him for the first time in over a year. We hit it off right away. I had changed, he had changed. We started seeing each other and had a whirlwind romance for five months. That is, until I lied about seeing another person. At the time, I thought he was doing the same and I wanted to see his reaction. Of course now I see that this was so wrong and I still feel intense remorse. He stopped talking to me, ignoring my phonecalls, not responding to my text messages, etc. He was not the kind of person to get attached to anyone person. He is a "player" in the truest sense of the word. So I never imagined that he would be attached to me. When he finally did pick up the phone, it resulted in an angry hang up on his end of the phone. He said that he "had emotions invested in this relationship" and that he had "lost all respect for me". We didn't talk for eight months. I heard bits and pieces about him through mutual friends. Then, about a month ago, I contacted him and he responded, much to my own surprise. We started talking again and soon he agreed to "hang out". When we did "hang out" we ended up kissing, holding hands, cuddling--it was like the last eight months didn't exist. And everytime I saw him after that, the same thing happened. That is until two days ago when he told me that he thought he was "in love" with his ex-girlfriend whom he dated "two or three years ago". I asked him about it and he said that "it's like I can be myself in front of her. When I was with her, it was like a remembered all the good things." And at first, I tried to be happy for him but eventually I broke and said, "Well, I'm happy for you, but I'm just upset that that person couldn't be me. You don't know how hard the last eight months have been for me." And he got defensive and said, "I guess you're right, I don't understand."He called me later that night and when prompted about our relationship he said, "I was happy until "that" (the lie) happened. We can never be close friends because I can't let our relationship get to the place where you can control me. I lost my cool. I spent months trying to figure everything out. I can't forget. It still hurts. I don't trust you. Not like I did." He almost started to cry: "This is really hard for me." When asked whether or not he had feelings for me, he said, "Not in the same amount as I did, no."I know the obvious thing is to let this go, but I think I love him and I just want to know how to act in the following months, etc.
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female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (5 September 2008):
 yikes. yeah, lying is never good.
trust takes forever to build up, but it IS possible! so stay optimistic. if you are sure you love him, don't be afraid to put the effort in. after all, it was your mistake and you need to pay the consequences.
i wouldn't try to hop into a relationship. doesn't sound like it would happen either way and be good for the two of you anyway.
so do your best to support his decision. if he likes his ex, be the friend who tells him to follow his heart. earn his trust and respect back by being the best friend to him you can be.
don't bring up the old relationship! be honest about your feelings towards him, then let them fade to the background.
as the two of you hopefully mend the kinks in the past, he might want to know more about your feelings, know more about a potential relationship... 'til then, be patient!
good luck!
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