A
male
age
30-35,
*razysecret
writes:I have been with her for over 4 years. For the first birthday she had during our relationship, I got her a gold necklace with a heart on it, half white gold in the back and gold in the front. She really loved it! For her following birthdays, I bought her gifts other than jewelry and she always seemed to like them. However, for her last birthday she pointed out that she missed getting jewelry and wanted a new heart necklace. So, I shopped around at a few jewelry stores until I decided to visit a jeweler that my sister knows as I was told he could give me a good deal. He showed me some heart necklaces and I noticed that some necklaces were similar to those of the other jewelry stores I had recently visited that day. He was also giving me better prices than the other stores. I decided to purchase a gold necklace with three hearts attached (one gold, one rose gold, one white gold). I wasn't 100% sure she would like it so he assured me that if she didn't (which we jokingly said would be a mean thing for her to do), I could come back and exchange it.On the day of her birthday I gave her the necklace in a nice jewelry box made of leather. She said; "oh it's shiny". The look on her face and her comment made me worried so I said; "you don't like it". She confessed so I told her we can go return it for any other one you want. So I go back with her and she doesn't like anything in the whole store. To make matters worse she was being incredibly rude to the store owner and sometimes ignored his questions. She would even whisper in my ear stuff like "he's taking you for a ride". I asked her what makes her think that and her reasons where faulty. She said she wanted to return it and the store owner said no (which I agree was kinda sleazy). After a long and embarrassing time there, she decided she would be happy with a heart necklace similar to the one she has. He told me he could have one delivered. Knowing my girlfriend likes rose gold I asked if he has any. He said he could turn one rose free of charge but we would have to come back to the store to see if she likes the heart first. He then began writing me an IOU. Everything seemed fine until my girlfriend said; "maybe we should keep the necklace until the exchange". The owner looked offended but smiled and said; "don't worry I know his sister and father". I was so embarrassed that I told my girlfriend afterwards. She was still upset about the gift and proposed I sell the IOU to my sister and get her something from some big brand. I got mad and called her an ungrateful spoiled brat. She was about to leave but my brother (who tagged along) told her to stay. We went to an expensive restaurant, I paid for mine and her meal and we went to bed. The next morning she complained about how shes worried about the gift and other nonsense. I am not sure how to feel about this whole situation... Should I break up with her? Will remaining with her only bring me misery? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): Breaking up with her because she was being HONEST with you about disliking your gift is very immature. If you are going to throw away four years of partnership over a necklace then she is better off without you. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (3 November 2015):
 Some Jealous immature people can continue to become more jealous and irrational over time. Their sense of entitlement grows since their pay off is a feeling that they deserve bigger and better than other people. I wonder of such behaviour starts and becomes a habit when a child is going through the terrible twos. When irrational tantrums turn into a screaming fiasco that can either be rewarded with the ite, the child is demanding or not rewarded where the parent refuses to reward the screaming and instead explains that the child is behaving badly, and thus cannot now have the treat.
Because in real life there will always be something that is unattainable no matter how noisy and disruptive the tantrum.
In adult life someone will always possess a similar big ticket item to the item a person wants. Or will wear an identical dress or shoes to an event to the person also wearing the same.
Insecure people cannot laugh it off.
Jealousy becomes a curse that can blight
their lives and ruin things for those around them. They must have bigger and better, and have it first (they think).
They are never satisfied.
They know someone with a 4 bedroom home so they want/demand five bedrooms. Best to give up trying to meet their demands. Once you give in to them they will ask for more next tme.
It is good that you have identified this situation as unacceptable. Choosing to step back and assess the situation is a good move.
Ungracious and ungrateful are not attributes that will help a person do well in life. Permanently dis-satisfied will poison relationships.
I like the suggestion to cash in the IOU and buy something for someone who truly cares.
Her character flaws are glaringly obvious and it is good that you have identified them. Toxic relationships are very tiring and exhaust those who have to suffer within such a relationship..
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (3 November 2015):
 This submittal has 'way too much emphasis on a piece of jewelry... and not much substance about what is REALLY going on between the two of you......
IF.... she is predicating your "relationship" upon the baubles which you will - or won't - give to her.... THEN, it's time to terminate things and get another girlfriend....
Good luck...
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A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (3 November 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you Honeypie, your response was very helpful. I am still unsure as to what I should do. I have a lot of stress from school and my family right now that a breakup my push me off the edge.
I suppose I have some reflecting to do.
Thanks again
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2015):
 OK with your update I see why you question your relationship with her. It's not just about this present - it's about her sense of entitlement, immaturity and ignorance.
I have to say, I think you have already made up your mind that you are kind of over her, that the whole necklace thing was the straw that broke the camels back.
From your original post she did seem spoiled, but again I see that in a LOT of youth these days.
My advice? USE your IOU to the store and buy your MOM or sister something nice for Christmas instead.
And if you feel like you have outgrown, out-matured (it DOES happen) your GF, then end it. Don't stay because "well, it's been 4 year so I feel like I have too much invested to leave."
The whole pink phone actually made me laugh, because it reminded me of my 11 year old, who was pouting that a friend of hers had gotten the same hoodie as my daughter - I kind of had to remind her that she doesn't have any right to exclusivity of said hoodie design, and to take it as a compliment that her friend likes her style choices. 11! Urgh they grow up to fast. But what I mean with that story is, I think if your GF had been 11, not 20+ I would not take it as anything serious, but she is 20+ and ACTING as a 11 year old, and personally... that is not very charming.
She lives at home and expect YOU to give her pocket money?
OP, I think you have just come to realize that the girl you feel in love with 4 years ago is no longer someone you can see yourself with long term. And that is OK.
What you what at 16-18+ may NOT be what you want at 20-22+
Going back to the necklace, I get it. There is nothing wrong in feeling a bit hurt if someone doesn't like a present that you took time, effort and money to buy. But remember it's NOT you failing as a gift-giver - though perhaps failing a little in knowing your partners taste, and honestly? You could do worse than not know her taste in jewelry.
From what you write.... I am willing to bet if you had put that SAME necklace in a Tiffany box she would have loved it. So for her... saving money on a necklace = not loving her as much as she thinks she should be loved.
You don't need our permission to end it. You have to DO what FEELS right for you.
And remember most of us give answers to what we read - we don't know the whole situation. So updates are great.
Good luck, and follow your heart and your common sense.
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A
male
reader, Crazysecret +, writes (3 November 2015):
Crazysecret is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAs a response to jils022 and Honeypie; I feel as though you guys are missing the big picture. I admit that when she didn't like my gift it did hurt me but only because I felt like I let her down. What makes me see her as spoiled is the fact that she did not like ANYTHING in the whole store and insisted I get her something from another store. If she was going to be this picky she should not have trusted me with getting her a gift by myself in the first place.
This alone however is not the reason I am questioning our relationship. I am beginning to notice this ugly side of her I think I made an unconscious effort to ignore in the past. Here are just a few things she has done in the last month;
-She has asked me to loan her money (again) because she has none.
-She constantly makes over-generalizations (women, race, elderly, etc.). I try to explain to her that making generalizations is ignorant but she is so arrogant she brushes it off.
-This one is a BAD one;
One night I couldn't study at home because my neighbors were celebrating. I asked if I can come over to her mom's place and she said yes. When I got there, here is how our conversation went:
Her: My mom is mad.
Me: How come?
Her: Remember the new I phone 6 in pink she got me as an early birthday present?
Me: Yea?
Her: She bought herself the exact same phone in the same color!
Me: So? It's not like it's clothing.
Her: Do you not know me by now!? I hate when people have the same things as me!
Me: A lot of people are going to have the same phone as you, it shouldn't matter if one more person (your mother) is also going to.
Her: Are you really going to argue with me right now!?
Sorry for the long explanation but trust me I can go on for pages and pages.
I really do not know how I could have made the mistake of getting involved with somebody with such an ugly personality. And it's not like I can just leave her because I have built 4 years of my life around her.
I haven't spoken to her for the last 2 days (not because of the gift but because of another things she did) and I am beginning to feel lonely. I know that seeing her will only make me feel worse but I can't help but miss the idea of her.
What do you guys think? Is this relationship broken beyond repair?
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 November 2015):
Gift giving is such a special art. Though it's a lot easier to give the perfect gift if there is abundant trust and love.
You know some things about the type of jewellery she prefers though I wonder how often you and your girlfriend have window shopped together to really get a strong view of what she truly does love.
And though it does not help your budget I suspect that your girlfriend is seeking more expensive jewellery than you have been looking at, to date. In the future she may become even more demanding.
Think what this could become?
Because there are also people who can appear to value the cost of a gift as being synonymous with how much they think a person loves them.
While there can be others who erroneosly equate a modestly priced gift as indicating that the giver does not love them as much as they had hoped for.
Whereas I think a relationship should not be like that.
The cost of a gift does not demonstrate how much the gift giver loves the recipient.
I cherish a hand made wooden basket
that is ever so heavy. It was made with love. Out of recycled wood that was sanded many times to super smooth, and waxed.
But it is far too heavy.
So instead it has Pride of place in the kitchen and holds lemons. It was a beautiful present.
I found a better use for it and by doing so I also honoured the gift giver.
Who knows? Another person might have failed to see how the basket could be put to use and treasured as a family heirloom of the future, and made with love.
You do know the type of gold she likes. But her behaviour in the shop was rude, ignorant and lacking in grace.
Was it that she had been hoping that each jewellery present would be more expensive than the last present? Are you starting to see a less attractive side of her personality that you were not aware of before?
Are your spending habits and her spending habits not in sync? We all have to budget and you are well aware of this truth.
Have there been other tensions about spending habits in your relationships?
I always set a budget for all presents that is in line with my overall budget.
Then my aim is to always get a suitable present just under budget. I don't see it as necessary to spend more than one can afford.
Some people are more interested in being able to show off their present to others, thinking that the ability to cause jealousy in others is a good thing (it's not a good thing) and very erroneously thinking a Very expensive present ''proves'' to others that they are Very loved. It does not. It just means that the gift giver was generous and the gift receiver has some insecurities.
People are in a loving relationship that is full of trust and acceptance of each other, warts and all, don't need Very expensive presents to ''prove'' to others that they are especially loved.
You are either loved and adored and respected and appreciated OR liked and appreciated and respected OR tolerated and sometimes appreciated or loathed and endured despite everthing (though not for long re the loathed category) in a relationship.
Gold diggers sometimes put up with a person they would not look twice at in the street - solely because an abundance of access to money (and or fame or noteriety) is more important to them than anything else.
That is so shallow.
But is she very brand conscious? Such that she may have been more impressed by a well known brand name on the box than the content of the box? Even if the actual jewellery was inferior to the piece you purchased, as long as the box said it came from X Jewellers?
Some people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
I can recall a situation once where I purchased a good quality gift for a relative and the relative (female) found fault with it and insisted I nominate where I purchased it and insisted I accompany them to the store where they chose to return it and get an almost identical gift from that same store. I thought their behaviour churlish and rude and their petulance was ignorant. They too were rude in the store and talked down to the assistant. At the time I wanted the ground to swallow me up as I was so embarassed. However I came to realize that their behaviour brought shame on them, not me.
If cracks and petty arguments and regular disagreements are starting to affect your relationship then it is perhaps time to assess the value of this relationship
After four years is she starting to hint that the sort of jewellery she'd really like is an engagement ring? Perhaps talk to her about your mutual expectations for the future.
Do talk about how you each handle money and how you each use or abuse (or don't use) credit cards.
A couple misaligned financially is likely to be forever at loggerheads.
The necklace saga is just a mere clue to the future.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 November 2015):
I kind of agree with jls022.
Not liking a present doesn't mean one is ungrateful. However her attitude in the store seems rather petty. I have NEVER been to a jeweler's store and not like a single thing there. I find the business of the IOU odd. Why couldn't you get a refund? Whether he knows your family or or is irrelevant.
I would instead have HER show you (can she look online and link you pictures of WHAT she likes, so you will have an idea of her taste. Most men don't understand that it's not the type of precious metal used that is the biggest deal, but the design and taste.
My husband has NOT in 19 years bought a SINGLE piece of jewelry that fell into MY taste. And that is with me even SHOWING him what I like. So that leaves me with a jewelry box full of shiny stuff I rarely wear, add to this, I'm not big on jewelry as it is.
So instead of INSISTING that she is ungrateful for not liking what YOU pick out, maybe get to know her taste instead.
Would you rather that she FAKES it? Pretends that she likes it and then never wears it? What good is that?
A present is about GIVING someone a gift for THEM to enjoy. And while I DO think receiving a present should be done with some respect for the "gift-giver" after 4 years together I think she has every "right" to be honest with you if she doesn't really like the present.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (3 November 2015):
To be honest I think you are seriously overreacting. Unless there is a lot more to this story, why on earth would you consider ending a relationship after 4 years because she didn't like one gift?!
I understand you are a bit disappointed, but you even admitted yourself that you weren't sure if she'd like it. I mean think about it objectively - the alternatives to her being honest about not liking it are:
1. She lies to you and never wears it
2. She lies to you and feels forced to wear it
Is that what you'd prefer? That she lies and you waste your money on something she doesn't like? Personally I'd be horrified if I thought my boyfriend couldn't tell me he didn't like a simple gift I bought him. The purpose of me buying him a gift is that I want him to have something he likes. It has no bearing on how either of us feel about each other, it's just simply a gift and I'd never want him to feel obligated to use or wear something he hated to spare my feelings (which incidentally wouldn't be hurt anyway - buying gifts is hard and you can't win them all!) Honesty is one of the most important parts of any relationship, and if you can't take the truth about something as small as a gift then how will you handle it when she tells you something big?
I would agree that if she was being rude to the shop owner then that isn't acceptable and you have the right to bring that up, but I have to say I also agree that giving the necklace back to him with nothing but an IOU slip also sounds a bit silly on your part as well. You don't know the guy! He could easily be legitimate but equally he might not be. Why would you care more about a random business owner's feelings than your girlfriend's? And for what it's worth, calling her names is just as rude, if not more so, than anything she did.
So to be blunt, I think you need to get over it. She didn't like the gift, ok that sucks, but it doesn't mean she's being mean or ungrateful. It means she's her own person with her own tastes and you didn't quite nail it this time. Being pissy with her because she was honest with you is not the way to build and maintain trust in a relationship, as she'll probably just lie to you from now on. If you are really giving a gift to her in the spirit gifts are supposed to be given (ie, to make the other person happy), then that should be the opposite of what you want to happen.
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