A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why does society pose so much pressure on the idea of 'Virginity'?Many religions see that virginity is some sort of important rite of passage, from girl to woman. Others see that a virgin is clean and pure, once she has had sex, she is impure, somewhat dirtied or no longer special. It's these attitude that I feel drive so many young girls to feel less-than-important.I 'lost my virginity' when I was 16 to a boy who i'd been seeing for about 3 months. I didn't end up marrying him, the sex wasn't very good, we made loads of mistakes, we didn't stay together for very long, heck, I don't think I really loved him. The point is that it was MY decision. We broke up about a month later, but i wasn't really that bothered. It just meant that I had some sexual experience to use with my next boyfriend, and have more confidence with my body to feel comfortable with a man. Apart from the small biological event that occurs when a woman first has sex, I see no difference between the 'First' and the 30th time of having sex.My mother always seemed to put pressure on me; 'Don't give up your virginity to anybody, your first time is special, you will always remember it, it has to be perfect and with a person you trust' -Shouldn't this go for any sexual encounter? The fact is that your first time probably won't be that good. You might not enjoy it, it may hurt, and chances are your sexual partner will be equally inexperienced. I'v had a many very special nights with my current partner, where i've felt so close to him, so comfortable with him, and we've had amazing sex because of this. Why are these nights less 'important' than that 'First Time'?I feel that we should end the attitude of so many archaic social rules. In times gone by, the bed sheet used by a couple on their wedding night would be hung outside the house, showing the bloodstain to prove the virginity of the bride. The idea of female virginity is sexist, nobody is remotely bothered about whether the man has had sex before, why? Why is it that in some areas of the world, a man will not marry a woman if she isn't a virgin, and the woman may even bring 'shame' to a family if she doesn't bleed the first time she beds her husband. We are living in a modern world. These old-fashioned ways of thinking are no longer relevant. I believe that a girl should only have sex when SHE is ready. Under no circumstances should she be forced into a situation she doesn't want to be in, but neither should she be made to feel guilty for not having the 'perfect' first time. Therefore, I think 'Virginity' is more a state of mind. If a 20-year-old woman feels too young, too scared, too innocent to even think about having sex, then she is a virgin in her own right. However, another girl may feel the opposite way. Someone aged 15 may feel totally ready to have sex, and be mentally prepared and educated, and have the right ideas about protection and birth control, in which case, perhaps she IS ready to begin a sexual relationship, and it is her choice.In conclusion, I'd just like to say that you're first time isn't the be-all-and-end-all of sex. If you have sex once when you are 14, then decide not to again until you are 23, then that's fine. You shouldn't have to feel guilty for experimentation. Because thats all sex is in the beginning, experimenting with someone you trust, and as long as you feel safe and under control, your 'first time' shouldn't be built up into a huge, pressured milestone in life.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): There are some things that I agree with, but I just want to focus on this part of your argument.
"We are living in a modern world. These old-fashioned ways of thinking are no longer relevant." - Just because we live in the modern world doesn't make our beliefs (old-fashioned ways) irrelevant. I'm an old-fashioned person and what I believe doesn't make your beliefs on sex any relevant either.
A
female
reader, Sissy 1992  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Its not your virginity that makes you pure...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (15 November 2010):
 I agree with most of what you are saying, however I dont agree that your first time is not important. You are still very young so cant really look back impartially on your first time, and I am certain when you are in your 20's you will feel differently about this.
The reason why I think virginity is still something special, even though it is not for all the silly old religious reasons - is because sex for the first time is a big deal. The emotions you experience for the first time are quite overwhelming and should be very intense. I think it requires a lot of trust and being comfortable with each other in order to share something so intimate.
I agree that typically there is too higher value on 'virginity' but I dont think that means in order to change this misconception we should all start saying "oh sex is nothing, it is not important and we can all go around having sex with whoever we want, after all it is just practice for the next partner". You are allowing another person to see you at your most intimate moment, you are sharing something in essence that is designed to create life. Even with birth control, there is always a chance you can get pregnant so every time you have sex there is a chance you could be creating a new life and I dont think that is something to be taken lightly. Yes you can have a lot of fun with it, but it is also your body that you are giving away and you are giving someone else the opportunity to enjoy it, which obviously opens you up to the risk of being used.
So while I agree, sex can be just as special with your 10th partner as it can be with your first, you still shouldnt just give it away and think of your virginity as 'nothing special'. I was 15 when I lost my virginity, had been with my boyfriend over 6 months, we were very much in love and very happy. It was perfect - and I am so pleased it was that way. Many of my friends (we are all 23 now) regret their first times as they felt a little pressured into it, they didnt really love the guy they were with or they hadnt been together particularly long and it didnt work out with them. Holding onto your virginity until it really is RIGHT is the most important thing, girls (and guys) should treat it as something valuable that only the right person deserves.
I think it is ridiculous that we have an age of consent at 16 - I dont believe it should be the government that tells us when we are ready for sex, it should be up to the individual themselves. Obviously to protect children it needs to be at 13 (in my opinion) as any younger and that person is still a child as opposed to a teenager and they cannot honestly consent to having sex as a child. But like you said, it doesnt matter if you are 15 or 25, it is all about when the individual is ready, on birth control, full prepared etc.
Your first time is not the be all and end all, but then again I think everyone should do all they can to make it special and to have a good experience. No-one as an adult wants to look back and realise they gave away their virginity too easily to someone who wasnt special at all. As you have experienced yourself, sex with your current is great and it is special. So I think everyone should view sex this way - it can be special therefore shouldnt we all try and make sure each experience of sex we have is special?
If there are things you can do to ensure your first time is good, then why not do it? I would much rather all young people tried to make sure their first times were special than think "oh well, that was a bit rubbish but I can just write that off as practice and hope for better next time." That is wrong and no-one should be encouraged to do that because they will regret it when they are older, whether you think so now or not - when you hit your 20's you realise a lot of things and often you will end up regretting your first time if it was bad. I think as long as you have sex for the first time when you are in love, comfortable with the other person, trust the other person, on birth control, fully understand sex and the reproductive system, and have been with that person long enough - then you are going to have a good experience no matter what age you are. But if you skip any of that, then the experience wont be as good as it could be and runs many risks, including getting pregnant, catching STD's, feeling used, regretting the decison etc.
I think everyone is different, and we should not try and approach sex as a 'one rule for all' - but I dont think we should inform people that losing your virginity is not a big deal and it wont matter either. Sex should be special, with every partner, including your first time. Your first time isnt a trial run, it is not practice for next time - it is always going to be something special that shouldnt be given away easily.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen I say that virginity is a state of mind, I am posing the idea that in the modern world, it could refer to a state of readiness for sex. After seeing so many questions on this site posted by 14 year olds worried that 'AM I STILL A VIRGIN IF HE FINGERED ME?' (or questions to that effect) It got me wondering why they were so worried? Why do we put so much value on the status of the 'virgin'?
I'm not referring to virgin as the biological term, more the psychological/ social meaning of the term.
I'm not really making a point, just thinking aloud.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (13 November 2010):
 "Others see that a virgin is clean and pure, once she has had sex, she is impure, somewhat dirtied or no longer special."
Not quite. Religions acknowledge that a having sex within a marriage does not sully women at all. There is far less stigma (if any) for widows than for adulterers and divorcees, for this reason.
The real worry is not sex, but promiscuity.
"The idea of female virginity is sexist, nobody is remotely bothered about whether the man has had sex before, why?"
Because men dertmine what level of promiscuity they find attractive in women, and women determine what level of promiscuity is attractive in men. Fact is, women don't care - actually, many prefer a man with experience, perhaps lots of it. Women are biologically wired to prefer guys who can sleep around if they choose to (though the guy doesn't need to make that choice, just have it as an option). It's called "preselection," and it's why female wingmen are so much better than guys.
In times past, men shamed other men into not being "cads" or "rakes" (man-sluts). The current state of things is fairly new, and has it's own pressure - namely, lose that V-card quickly, guys, or most women will think you're a loser.
Men, on the other hand, are hardwired to avoid cuckoldry, and there is no better indicator that a woman is not carrying another man's child than virginity. There is no better indicator that she will refrain from cheating on you than a history of self-control.
So, even if birth control and paternity tests can prevent cuckoldry, the instinct remains. Neither men nor women are ever going to change their instincts, so instincts will always be relevant. If they changed to reflect the times, women would magically be more attracted to computer nerds. Society simply reflects nature in this case.
"Why is it that in some areas of the world, a man will not marry a woman if she isn't a virgin, and the woman may even bring 'shame' to a family if she doesn't bleed the first time she beds her husband."
Same reason as above, to prevent cuckoldry, especially in areas without access to birth control. This is also compeltely seperate from the modern world you reference next.
"I believe that a girl should only have sex when SHE is ready."
Agreed, wholeheartedly. But guys may decide she chose poorly, and reject her as a result - and of course, women can do the same to men. All choices have consequences.
"Therefore, I think 'Virginity' is more a state of mind."
Can you clarify this statement? I don't understand what you're trying to say here.
Your very last paragraph is absolutely spot-on. However, that's already the way things are - sex is your choice, assuming it's available, and the first time is less "special" than "memorable." But societal pressure is a fact of life in every single thing you do. Learning to either ignore it or work with it is part of growing up - and, often, societal pressure serves a purpose, or at least reflects a deeper truth.
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