A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’m in a relationship with a man with kids. I don’t have any and not thinking of wanting anytime soon. I haven’t met his kids and I don’t want to push him on meeting them. The more I get to know the situation with his life, the more I feel like walking away. His youngest daughter he sees nearly all the time as his ex just tells him when she has her even if he has plans with me and just cancels our plans. I stay a lot over at his home but when his daughter is coming I have to leave. He doesn’t see his other two kids as much as they are a bit older and he has no problems with their mother. I like that he sees his daughter a lot and wouldn’t want it any other way but now I feel like my feelings don’t count anymore. His ex sounds likes a nightmare and he just goes along with everything she says and does. She rings and messages him a lot even when it’s nothing to do with his daughter. He says he just goes along with it all, as he doesn’t want to upset her. I just have to fit in with his life and ex and he shows very little respect to me. I asked him right at the start if there was any problems with his ex’s and he said no! I never expected to be number 1 in his life but I’m starting to feel way down the list to the point where I think I need to walk away as I feel like I’m losing my own self respect and my life. I do love him though. Do I try harder or walk away?
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (29 January 2022):
 OP,
That should give you some sense of closure. That HE said he didn't DO anything wrong just helping out the ex.
They haven't been together for 8 YEARS and he still is at her beck and call. One thing if the help was about or for his daughter but it's not. She is just taking full advantage of him and HE lets her. Because THEY both get something out of it.
Secondly, OP you don't have to JUSTIFY why you don't feel it's working for you. It wasn't working, The end.
I hope you cut all contact and move on.
Good luck to you. And remember to LISTEN to your "gut" feelings. You have them for a reason.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2022): OP here. Thank you all so much for your advice. I have walked away because the situation was getting me down. His daughter is 9 and he’s been left his ex for over eight year and has never been married. He doesn’t understand why I’ve walked away as he says he hasn’t done anything wrong. He’s also said that he can’t understand why the ex is bothering me so much, it’s only things to help her out. He assured me he doesn’t want her back but I think she would have him back if he said. I’m not jealous of his daughter at all, I’d have loved to have met her but we were only seven month into the relationship. I think the reason I didn’t meet was he knew she would cause problems for us as she did in his last relationship.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2022): (1) " She rings and messages him a lot even when it’s nothing to do with his daughter. He says he just goes along with it all, as he doesn’t want to upset her. I just have to fit in with his life and ex and he shows very little respect to me. I asked him right at the start if there was any problems with his ex’s and he said no! I never expected to be number 1 in his life but I’m starting to feel way down the list to the point where I think I need to walk away as I feel like I’m losing my own self respect and my life."
Then why on earth are you putting-up with this? His ex has essentially set-up the dynamics for which your relationship to your boyfriend will be conducted. By the time he's dating, this mess should all have been worked-out. If she's still dragging him around by the ring in his nose, who's to say when she'll decide to mind her own business? An ex-wife who isn't dating herself, has too much idle-time on her hands to mess with your relationship.
Girlfriend, you're merely there for his entertainment; and she has the kids to hold over his head for when he's "disobedient." She's going to be a wedge, and a thorn in your side; and he's given her custody not only of his kids, but full possession of his balls as well! Baby-mama drama and random surprise-attacks is going to be her modus operandi throughout this romance. Why wouldn't you expect to be #1? She's his EX!!! The child is a pawn. You'll settle for being at the bottom of the list? What kind of relationship is that?!!
(2) "I do love him though."
For what???
And here we go! We've gotten the infamous disclaimer..."but I love him!" Which means, you're not going anywhere, and offering you our advice is probably a waste of time. You'll desperately cling-on, no matter how much he has shown you that she's still his de facto wife, despite being divorced; and you're basically a passive-observer in this three-way situation. Lady, you've got rights too! Your time is as precious and valuable as anybody else's! Your feelings matter also! If that isn't acknowledged, then why should you stay?
(3) "Do I try harder or walk away?"
Maybe you should ask his ex. She's calling the shots!
My prediction is that you'll make that call when you've had enough. You don't need our advice.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): Unfortunately, three's a crowd. Him, you and his ex wife. Add a fourth to that, his daughter, and you are just plain out of luck. That is his family. His daughter comes first, as she should. I sense a little jealousy on your part about that, as well as jealousy towards his ex wife. I think deep down you know that he is not as emotionally invested in this relationship as you are. Men want a companion who is always available for sex and do just enough to keep them. He is doing just enough to keep you interested in the relationship, and to keep you putting out. Plainly, he likes the convenient, reliable sex. I am sure he likes you well enough and likes the sex even more, but at the end of the day, if a man is not investing in you, then you will have your answer.
This man has a lot of baggage. Not to say that baggage cannot be worked out. But in his case, it seems his wife wants to still keep tabs on him. And might use the daughter to do this. Now it is possible he is still in love with his ex and may want her back (consciously or subconsciously) or that he wants to be Mr. Nice Guy and not rock the boat with the ex wife in order to keep seeing the daughter or he has a good relationship with the ex wife, which may still be friendly and close. Either way, he has not set any boundaries and I think boundaries need to be set with the ex. But she seems to want to have access to her ex husband any time she wants. This can all be difficult for the new woman. Your situation is definitely complicated. and hard on you. You will always feel like you are last and that your needs are going to be pushed aside, and resentment towards him and the entire situation will continue to build, to the point where you will blow up and walk away. Why wait? Resentment poisons love.
Maybe have a talk with him? Lay it all on the line? Tell him what you would like to see happen and tell him the repercussions. And then wait to see what he does, if anything changes. Ultimatums, keep in mind, often fail. Why would you even need to push something that far? Someone should willingly meet your needs without you having to push so hard, right?
A couple of questions. Do you live with this man full time? How long have you been together? Is he recently divorced? How long has he been divorced from his ex wife? Is he actually divorced or separated? Have you ever told him how you feel? Why do you have to leave when his daughter arrives? Why can't you all spend time together?
The bottom line OP is how long are you going to keep feeling like you are not important enough to him? Only you can decide.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (27 January 2022):
 Personally i don't think that any changes are going to happen anytime soon. I am guessing this daughter is still quite young so this could be going on for a long while yet.
Of course his daughter takes priority, but his ex seems to want to make things hard for you both, and your boyfriend probably does not want to make waves so just goes along with it all.
As i said i don't see things changing anytime soon, at the end of the day your health and happiness, and general well being are most important. If these these things are failing in your life then maybe its time to call it a day and walk away.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2022):
You know, OP
If you continue to date this guy, he will still prioritize his daughter above you. Which is fair.
BUT he will also prioritize the ex above you. You will come last. Every time.
You ask, if you should try harder?
No, OP - You can't fix this. HE has made the choice to go running every time the ex calls.
It makes sense (if your relationship is new-ish - so under 8-12 months) that you don't need to be introduced to the daughter but the ex seems manipulative and hoping to sabotage ANY relationships he has, and HE lets her.
You know this isn't ideal for you. He is a push over.
Sure, it's nice that he puts his daughter as #1. He should, but I think he is still hoping the ex takes him back, which is why he lets her control him.
You are his rebound or plan B.
Wish him well and date someone who WANTS you in his life. This guy just wants a warm body.
...............................
A
female
reader, QueenCupcake +, writes (27 January 2022):
 Sadly, there are a lot of men in his position who need to stay on the ex’s good side to see their kids, unfortunately, that’s not going to change for a good few years. At least, not unless he takes a stand, which personally, I think he needs to, not just for you, not just for him, for his daughter as well. There really just needs to be a set routine to be honest. Which him and his ex me to agree on. None of this whole dropping her off and picking her up whenever she feels like it. Because I guarantee you that the next woman after you wouldn’t appreciate that either. And the poor child is probably confused out of her mind, not knowing when she’s going to see daddy next. Maybe suggest joint custody? For him and his ex? He just needs to be assertive, not horrible, not angry, but assertive for the sake of himself, you or any other woman he’s with, but most importantly for his daughter
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2022):
 You don't say how old the youngest daughter is but I am assuming she is still fairly young. Like with the two other kids, as she grows up he is likely to be increasingly less involved in her life as she will prefer spending time with friends rather than with her father. This is natural. At the moment his daughter needs him and he needs to keep her mother on side so may have to pander to her whims more than he would ideally like.
Sadly it could take years to get to the point where this will change and you are already feeling disrespected and disregarded. Can you see yourself being in the same situation for another 5 years? 10 years maybe, depending on the child's age?
You need to decide on your priorities: your feelings or this boyfriend. Only you can answer that.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): What you feel for him is not love. You simply hate the idea of of being alone and single, and are in love with the idea of having a man - not him - any man. Walk away.
...............................
|
