A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, Looking for some advice / help and opinions on how to cope with a man who has deeply hurt me. I can’t seem to get him out of my mind but crazy as it sounds we were not together. I am afraid this is a long story as I wanted to explain it all so apologies in advance.I am 40 and I met a guy who is 50. I initially thought we would just be friends, but he pursued me relentlessly as more than that, we got to know each other quite well and had a lot in common, he would text everyday for most of the day, and it got to a point where he spoke to me like we were together and he used to tell me he liked me every day etc ....but a few weeks in he also told me something else which was that he had been in an on and off relationship with someone for over 10 years and that this other woman emotionally blackmails him with suicide threats if he ever leaves her. That they break up and get back together continually and he goes back to her every time, he said he would feel guilty if she was to ever harm herself and that this cycle had been going on for years. He told me she verbally abuses him and has also physically abused him once or twice but that he always goes back, he loves her and that he cant do anything to change it. It was a shock, I tried to understand as I didn’t want to lose our friendship. They were not back together when we met and she came back on the scene after I met him. We did cross the line and have one night of kissing but that was about a month into all this. After that, we just talked and I met him for walks in total I saw him most weeks sometimes more for about 3 months but we spoke everyday. There were occasions when he would ignore me and not reply to me for days when he was with her and this did play with my emotions and I did call him out on that a few times. He would blow hot and cold; sometimes want me to come to his (which I didn’t) and sometimes he would ignore me for days. I see now that I did get too involved when I knew he was not actually available. To summarise we were friends but there was an intention of more, we liked each other but I knew nothing could happen whilst he was with her. I couldn’t let him go so I was happy with friendship which is what we had and it was a really good friendship or so I thought...but this was a bad mix as I got emotionally attached to him.Then it all fell apart we had one of our text conversations where we talked about the day we met and when we both knew we liked each other and it got a little serious on text but it was still just our kind of chat and a few days later at the end of our walk he kissed me this was only the the 2nd time we kissed but I could tell he thought it was a mistake! After that he just started to back off, the texts started to reduce, he stopped the flirty chat and he firmly put me in the friend zone. After a week of this I asked him by text what was wrong and why he was being different and he told me in a very strong tone, that “ he thought we were friends, that it was nearly more but that he just wanted to be friends and he would be sad if not. He repeated he was with someone else and that if I carried on asking him anything else he would not reply!”That hurt, it came out of nowhere and was not like him at all to speak to me that way. I replied to say that “I knew we were friends and asked why had he stopped flirting and talking to me like he used to “ and he said that “he couldn’t after the kisses.” Then he just ignored me from that moment. I tried to ask him why and tried to get him to talk to me. I told him I didn’t want anything else from him (i said this to protect myself) and I told him that I knew we were just friends. I sent 3 messages that day to that effect and he did not reply to any of them. So instead of calling and chasing him or showing up to his house I broke all communication. He would not have expected that from me he would have expected me to chase him and call him but I didn’t as I was too hurt. I thought best to leave him, give him space and hope that he would say sorry and realise what he had done. But he didn’t and that was just over 3 months ago.In that time he has sent me 2 random texts about a month apart in the first month of not speaking but they were totally generic he didn’t say hello or how are you, I ignored the first one but replied to the second text in the same tone as him. I was nice to him, trying to encourage him to talk but and he didn’t carry on the conversation and so I left it as I didn’t want to chase. He also drove past me a few weeks ago, I waved at him, he waved back but that was it!! Even that didn’t make him want to get in touch.I keep thinking why hasn’t he contacted me, they must have broken up in the last few months and he hasn’t wanted to try and get in touch that hurts even more. I keep blaming myself, what could I have done, what went wrong, was it me?? I miss our friendship very much he said he would be sad if we couldn’t be friends but has not made any effort to make it right and clearly doesn’t miss me at all, which I find so unbelievable as I added so much to his life. But I will not chase him and beg him to be my friend. The relationship he is in clearly is complex they don’t publicly show they are together on social media or anything so I can’t find anything out. I could have made him happy and he didn’t want it, I told him so many things, showered him with attention, support, kindness and affection and he told me he loved all of that but he has thrown it all away, it is just so hurtful! I don’t trust many people and I let him into my mind and heart. How could he just cut me off? Did I really mean so little? Couldn’t we just have remained friends? Why couldn’t he have just spoken to me, He could have just said I can’t do this anymore and I really didnt like his words “we nearly could have been more and that he just wanted to be friends.”..that hurt me why didnt he make it more then it just makes me feel like rubbish and yes we were friends his words just were useless....And on and on go my questions...I am aware he was seeing someone else ...but I can’t just accept that as a reason as he kept on telling me he wasn’t happy and that he liked me everyday for months. I suppose I became deluded thinking that when they broke up, he would realise how much he liked me and it may change things. I now see my morals went out the window because of how much I liked him but I didn’t see that at the time. How do I move on, I feel like I’m waiting for him to contact me which is wrong, was it all a total waste of time, why does he want nothing more to do with me? And yet kissed me a week before. I know in my heart we had something. Why didn’t he want me in his life anymore? I wonder if she found out he was talking to me? I just can’t think of a reason why he would suddenly stop as it had been the same for months with us. Did it just get too much for him and he had to end it, did he develop feelings for me if so why would he be so unkind? The week prior when he backed off it’s like he planned it, he did one thing after another to pull away and it made me ask him what was wrong as he didn’t have the guts to talk to me. I know I am obsessing so I’ll stop now. Thank you so much for reading this and any help on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated and your opinions on why he did what he did, Has anyone got experience in on / off relationships too that may help me understand why a man would stay in that kind of relationship ..I would also love a mans opinion on this as you can tell I am struggling to just forget him and move on.Many thanks again.Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAny male opinions out there? Many thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, if there are any male opinions I’d be grateful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, if there are any male opinions I’d be grateful.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 January 2022):
 OP,
We can't read his mind any more than you can. And you have met the guy so possibly have a better read on the person and situation.
Maybe he is playing games?
Maybe the ex IS controlling and reading all his texts?
Maybe he just likes to occasionally take a break from the long-term GF and have a RUSH romance with someone else before going back to his "normal routine with the ex"?
They might not even have been on a "break". She might have been visiting or taking care of a sick or ailing family member. And while the cat was out, the mouse played.
IT IS impossible to fully know.
It's also nonsensical to think that you can't move on unless you know the full story as to WHY he did what he did.
YOU can CHOOSE to accept that you might never know. That this guy was NOT for you. It's not going to happen as YOU had hoped.
That the way he left things was a coward's way out. He almost ghosted you. He did what was EASIEST for HIM.
The thing is you need to focus on is this, IF you can find one guy who (for the most part) SUITED you, you can find another. This scarcity mentality of "there are no good men left or out there" is not going to help you. There are. And without a doubt, there are men out there who DO NOT start "sorta" dating women while on a break from their REAL love and long-term partner.
In short, you CAN do so much better.
Stop letting him live rent-free in your head and stop putting him up on a pedestal because you think he was SUCH a lovely person. He was just a dude who befriended you while on a "break" from his GF or who just wanted someone to rub his ego for a while. And when YOU wanted more, hoped for more - he ran for the hills.
Accept reality.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): All you did was lose the trash that took itself out. You never had him so you could not lose him. You lost the fantasy of him. I will bet if you ever got together with such a man in real life, you will see why his girlfriend treated him the way she did (there are two sides to every story, OP). What did HE DO in order for his girlfriend to react that way to him? I can tell you. He likely is, was and always will be a womanizer. That is a man who is weak and insecure and needs the attention of women to make him feel like a man. Because in his own mind, he is not a catch at all.
He probably always had a roving eye and used women to feel better about himself, even while with the on and off girlfriend. She probably left him every time he got out of line and took him back because she is in love with him and hoped maybe this time he has changed. Problem is these kinds of guys don't change. First, because they don't think there is anything wrong with them because they live in denial. Second, because even if they did have an inkling something was wrong with them, they prefer the easy way out, which is doing what they have always done, and being who they always were. No hard work, and easy sailing. Until they become old and lonely and wonder why they kept failing at relationships. Men like this need to look at their own failings and take responsibility for them instead of pretending they don't have a problem and using women as band aid solutions to feel better about themselves rather than dealing with deeper internal issues at the core. It is called the choice of instant gratification every time. The problem with this is after the thrill of every new ego boost wears off, he is left with only himself, staring in the mirror. And that is not good enough. And he will need a new fix.
Why do that to yourself? He seems much too mixed up and returning to a relationship that isn't working time and again also says a lot about his character. He would bring nothing but pain to your life, the way he is to his girlfriend's. The difference is she is deeply in love with him and desperately clings to him based on 10 years of shared history. You have nothing. You were just a short distraction. You have nothing invested. You do seem very obsessed and low in self esteem, latching onto this bad catch of a person who has no integrity himself. If you don't think you can do better than this, I suggest talking to a therapist because you need help in a very big way.
Honestly, you sound like a mature adolescent who just found her first boyfriend and is obsessed about him for all the wrong reasons, in all the wrong ways. You don't sound like a smart, mature or grown woman at all OP. I feel sad for you wanting the crumbs.
Leave them alone and let them work out their relationship. You have no place in his or their lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both but what about the way he did it and why then
Any chance you can look at all my questions as these are the things that keep going around my head and having trouble understanding. I am the type of person that needs an answer to why whatever the question may be just so I can close it in my brain and I can’t with any of it.
Many thanks
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2022):
I fully agree with YCANBS,
BEST thing you can do for yourself, is to BLOCK, DELETE and let it go.
You are fooling yourself by calling this a friendship. It wasn't. YOU wanted more, he CLAIMED he wanted more, until he didn't. He LOVES the idea of you PINING after him. Because he is MISERABLE with HER and MISERABLE without her. So knowing that YOU too are miserable missing what COULD have been with him, makes HIM feel good. THAT is why you got those "fishing texts" and the "drive-bys". He wants to know that YOU could potentially be waiting on him to have another "break" with his ON/OFF GF. Even if he won't pursue you again. He will want to find someone else to "play" with.
You were a "breath of fresh air" or short-term entertainment to him. HE knew he would eventually get back together with his ex. He just wanted to FEEL loved while they were on a "break", so he met you and he USED you to get the attention, adoration he wasn't getting from the ex.
THIS is ALL about him and his EGO.
If he CHOOSES to stay with an abusive woman who emotionally blackmails him with threats of suicide - then THAT is his choice. Or that story might be a TOTAL lie to MANIPULATE you with.
You are in "love" with the IDEA of this guy and the potential YOU saw in the two of you together.
Unfortunately, it was "make-believe" from his end.
He will continue to do this to other women (and you again, if you allow it) because it makes him FEEL good.
Look for someone with a LOT less baggage, go on a few dates. And don't settle for a guy who sort of treats you like a GF but claims you are just friends. That is just plain manipulation. If you go on a date (or a few) and the guy has some recent ex or crazy ex, move on to the next. Don't date someone who isn't READY to date and fall in love.
Lastly, Op
He doesn't sound like a great catch. He plays games and he is IN love with a supposedly abusive and manipulative woman...
Want more for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2022): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much it’s good to hear another opinion as the people I’ve told are sick of hearing it now ha ha!!
Definitely unrequited is the hardest very true!!
I have seen this other women with him once and I’ve seen photos on social media so unfortunately she does exist!
He isn’t a typical cad though definitely not a smooth talker he is a bit useless actually!
What are your thoughts on why the suddenness of it and ending all contact with me? That really hurts, all my millions of questions are in the post so I won’t repeat.
Thank you again
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reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (27 January 2022):
 It's quite simple really: you fell for a smooth-talking scoundrel, a cad. Such a pity you are too obsessed with him to see that and that you put him on a pedestal he most definitely does not deserve.
You know - and he knows - that friendship is not what you want from him. The problem is, he is not free to give you anything more. He never has been. He had no business toying with your affections and feelings, but he did because having you fawning over him gave his ego a boost.
Unrequited love is VERY difficult to get over because it never changes, it never grows old. Because it never really starts, it permanently remains at that exciting "new" stage. It is never brought down to earth by reality. You have not had to listen to him snoring, watch him picking his nose, wash his dirty skid-marked underpants or smell his farts. He is still perfect in your eyes because you haven't had to share real life with him.
Just a thought: do you have any proof that the ex even exists or that they get back together? Could that just be an excuse for him to keep you at arm's length?
If he was a nice person, the moment he realized you wanted more than friendship, he would have kindly but firmly ended your relationship and cut all contact to spare your feelings. Equally, once he told you about his situation, you should have had sufficient sense of self-preservation to walk away, given you knew it was not just friendship you wanted from him.
My advice (for what it's worth as I doubt you will take it) is to go cold turkey and cut all contact. Block him from contacting you. Delete his number from your phone. Reconcile yourself with the fact that you made a huge mistake and learn a lesson: in future don't fall for unavailable guys.
I'm sorry, I know you are hurting. I hope you have the strength to move on. You deserve so much better.
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