A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:All the answers to my previous question make sense given the info I provided but I'm not convinced it is the full story. To recap, I met a guy 8 weeks ago and we became intimate and intense very quickly. When we are together he is very loving and I feel secure but he then tries to finish the relationship saying he cannot cope. I then talk him round and off we go again. The last time he became emotional and actually thanked me for not giving up on him yet has just once again 3 days later told me it will not work. He had panic attacks and problems for a number of years and felt he'd sorted it all out several years ago but admits he lives in a very controlled way, doesn't need to work and sees few people except immediate family. He is very particular about his routine, bordering on obsession, living within his own closed boundaries as he calls it in order to feel secure. If he gets tired or over wrought it exacerbates the feeling that he cannot cope hence the reference to our recent activities and my general sociability, vivaciousness etc. He says he could never be the partner I want or need, thought he was ready for a relationship but realised he cannot cope. I belive all this (there were clues whilst we were together) yet he was with a woman for 15 years on and off until 10 mths ago, they never lived together or married and she was very independant and he said she flitted in and out of his life when it suited her (guess I can now appreciate how she must have felt). Due to his upbringing he has a strong sense of loyalty and doesn't believe in affairs or even break-ups. Admits he still feels beholden to her and even that she could probably persuade him to reunite if she chose as he couldn't throw away their 16 yr history even though most of it was not good. Being a warm loving person my 1st instinct given the way I feel about him is to try and reassure, be there if he decides he wants me etc (at the moment..not!) but am I wasting my time? My friends and family think I'm mad! The more he tries to pull away, the more I push and up to now it has worked but even I'm thinking do I back off now?
View related questions:
affair Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): You cant make him love you. when you have a relationship with someone with these issues you either learn to live by their rules, or you walk away. They call the shots which change often. Its who they are. They do love but they feel trapped when you get too close. And when when you back off, then they panic and feel betrayed. They feel unlovable and unable to love. Sometimes the love and faithfulness can help them thru...and other times it cant. Their only hope is to see where they are and for them to work hard on saving themselves. You cant fix them...you can offer support while they work to survive and move forward. If they do not try help themselves and deny their problem then you should walk away now. Because they will project their problems on you. You will become the reason they have issues. They refuse to take any responsibility for their own mental and emotional well-being....these are the ones who will destroy you.
The choice of whether to go or stay is up to you. No one can decide for you.
Good luck hunny, mal
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Why are you obsessed about a man you hardly know so quickly? Forget him and focus more on your own life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (11 September 2010):
Hi there. Your boyfriend seems to still be pining for this woman he was with on and off for 15 years. Wow! That is a long time and then it's off. I'm not surprised he's so wary of relationships now really.
He needs to start believing in himself and who he is and know that he is a good person and worthy of the best he can have in life.
There is nothing to fear but fear itself. It's the Law of Attraction - "What you focus on the most, you attract more of into your life". So in other words, if he only thinks about the fear of this relationship breaking up, it probably will break up. Because of him thinking about it so much. When you have those negative thoughts so often, your thoughts become reality and everything you do reinforces those beliefs. I think therefore I am.
What would be much better for him to do, is to instead think about how lovely it will be for you both to really get to know each other, have fun and go to nice places together. Thereby taking the focus off breaking up altogether. It's basically the glass half empty / glass half full concept. The optimist will see the half full glass, but the pessimist will only see the glass is half empty. It's the way we look at life that really counts.
He can make his life whatever he wants it to be, he just needs to believe he can. Then anything is possible. Every problem has a solution. You will find that solution.
I'm quite sure with time and encouragement, you can both get through this together. Unfortunately, you can't push him to get over it or snap out of it. It will have to be a gradual process. It can't be forced. So stay positive with him about everything, and make him feel safe with you so that he can start to regain his self-confidence and begin to move forward with his life. I'm sure it must make him very unhappy at times.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
...............................
A
male
reader, wisernow  +, writes (11 September 2010):
You seem to be a rational person yet you cannot see the big picture.... Life with this insecure and isolated person would be aconstant hell.
Find his old flame and talk to her.
Unless you are willing to ho along with this guy's life style (which must be totally boring and self aborbing) then l advise you to end this carade and find yourself a normal guy.....
...............................
|
