A
female
age
30-35,
*april09
writes:I am a stay at home mom with 2 babies 3 and under. My fiance works 10-12 hour shifts 6 days a week and I stay home with the kids. We live at his moms and hope to move out this month. The problem is that lately, after 2 years of being together our relationship is falling apart mostly because of my fault. He does alot for our little family but lately i keep pestering him because ive been finding pictures of his ex or hell say something thatll get me mad that he meant jokingly. I feel like i want more attention and effort from his part in a romantic way. I know he works hard but I still want him to come home and make me feel special. Or lately my thing has been selfies since i found a picture of him and his ex and ive been trying to take a picture with us but i feel like i look horrendous compared to her in their picture so then ill make him take thousands more throughout the day and still not like any and then get moody about it. Or hell tell me he doesnt want to anymore and ill feel offended. Yesterday he said jokingly i guess that we are both just too ugly for selfies and i felt really bad cause i started thinking oh he just says that cause his ex came out better in pictures. Or we could be at stores and i swear i feel like he double glances at girls with nic bodies and i proceed to be mad for the rest of the night. Yesterday was my 21st birthday and he took the day off to be with me but we ended up staying home half the day because we didnt have a car and so he took a 2 hour nap while i cleaned and then his mom refused to watch our son so he came along and we just ate tacos, went to walmart , bought 2 game controllers (which was more for him cause i could care less about call of duty but he says itll be fun for us to play together) and then got turned down at the liquor store because the state recently issued new ids and apparently that renders the old ones useless. His mom bought us the drink and we drank laid down and i just got so mad about his ugly comment that i turned around, so he did too, and the rest of the night turned into us arguing and me crying because he wouldnt cuddle with me.We both feel like we are coming to an end and keep acting like nothing is wrong but everyday we argue because of me. I just dont know how to feel happy though. I appreciate what he does and i feel like i make him feel shitty about everything. He just isnt a romantic or puts alot of thought into things but i do . Idk i know im being ungrateful and a horrible fiance i wish i could just stop and make him happy but i never can. I would just like to know if anyone has been through this after years of being with someone and if it can be changed back to when we were happy. What is wrong with me?
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female
reader, Dapril09 +, writes (3 April 2015):
Dapril09 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you all. The things youve written have made me realize more about my state of mind than I even realized. I have been caught up in this funk about how gorgeous his ex is and how "ugly" I feel compared to her that I didnt even realize it could be a bigger issue. It really is though because there is no way I can feel so unhappy with my life because of how some girl looks. I will try to keep my chin up and will begin to start going out during the day with my children since I spend all day inside the house. I realize ive just been locking myself in and pinning my unhappiness on her looks because in reality i cant complain about anything else. He does work hard and I am lucky to have support and the love of my children. Thank you all. Being positive is hard work when you are in a deep funk but I will work on it every day and I hope you know that your words have helped make my day that much better and brighter!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 You ask what is wrong with you ..........
You are a very young woman, if you have listed your age correctly as being between 18 and 21, you are at an age when many girls are only now just starting to consider their future, weighing up careers against marriage and children, and here you are, already with the responsibilities of motherhood to two young people who will be requiring a lot of care and attention.
And instead of a boyfriend knocking on the door to take you out on dates you have a young man doing it tough for you, working such long, long hours to provide for you and the children, there is no time, or energy, left over for the romantic gestures that make us feel precious and loved.
On top of that you are living in somebody else's home with all the constraints and concerns that would bring to your lives.
This is your life at the moment, your youth, your kids, your tired overworked fiancé, your living arrangements ..... look at them and accept them as being your reality for the moment
Are they negatives or positives?
They can be both. Both negative and positive.
You are young, your youth can give you an exciting take on life, you can approach problems with a vivacity and liveliness that 30 and 40 year olds lack ........ accept your youth as a positive thing and celebrate it.
You have two children, what a blessing, the things they say and do as they explore and learn about their surroundings can brighten the darkest corners ........ celebrate them.
Your fiancé, see how hard he works for you, and how he tries so hard to give you what you want, even if it is to spend the day taking selfies trying for the perfect shot, celebrate your good fortune in having such a willing provider for yourself and your children, he is a keeper.
Your living arrangements, how lucky are you that his mother has the room for you to live there, but more important, that she has adjusted her life so that your family of four could be in her space ...... lots of young families don't have that support, so celebrate it.
There are a lot of clichés about making lemonade when given lemons and the like ..... most of them have me rolling my eyes because life isn't always that easy. But sometimes we need to convince ourselves that our lives have potential for greatness, and the best way to do that is to live the life we want ....... if we lack money for eating out, then eat in, a budget meal tastes better if we set the table and use our best dishes instead of sitting in front of the TV because we are tired.
We might not be able to afford to give our kids dance classes or send them to up market day care centres but we can take them for walks and learn from our environments.
Where you find yourself at this moment, in such a black funk and depressed, is temporary. Your children will grow older and need you less, your finances will slowly improve, you will eventually get your own home.
In the meantime you need to deal with what you have, and make the best of it, determine to be happy rather than sad, lift up your head and look at the sky, there is a reason for the term "chin up" the simple act of lifting your head can increase endorphins, the feel good chemicals.......
So count your blessings and chin up, it can get better, but only if you really want it to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): First of all,
you are both very young.
Second-this is where a really good marriage counsellor would come in handy. In case you can't get/afford one, could you get some self-help books from the library?
Third-don't let your own insecurities get the better of you.
Furthermore, when you move out, things might get easier as it's just the two of you. Look for ways in which you can either contribute a bit (working from home?) not so much for the essentials (though it will be nice to worry less about those too) but more in order to have SOME spare cash just for you and your family-for days out with hubby and children, for a date night or whatever.
Let him know you love him (and ask what can you do to show it to him?) and ask him if he can find a way to show his love for you.
ps: I hate it when money gets in the way of love and romance, but I think it does. It certainly has here-IF you had more disposable income he will NOT have to work so much,so he would have had more time for you. If his wage was bigger you would NOT have had to share space with his mum (though very nice of her to support you both through this BUT it does add extra stress on your relationship).
And so,so many other things from your question are actually related to money (and well,jealousy as well)...Work on keeping the spark alive, reducing your own insecurities and if possible-on improving your financial situation
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (2 April 2015):
You do sound like you’re being a bit of a nightmare, but to your credit you recognise very clearly the destructive impact of your behaviour. It’s time to stop beating yourself up over it and try and get under the skin of what’s going on. A lot of couples can experience this kind of situation after a while together: as dissatisfaction with life and complete predictability set in, resentment can build and one person may simply feel that their partner can do nothing right anymore. Every little thing becomes a big drama because it reinforces your unhappiness with your circumstances. You acknowledge that he works hard and that you’re grateful for all he does, but remember things aren’t easy for you either managing the home and very young children all day. Clearly the amount of time you’re going to be able to spend together is somewhat limited by his work, but you should both make plans for something nice to do on his day off: go out for a meal, take the kids to the park, or go and visit relatives, for example. Sitting around playing games is no way to spend quality time. This will help you keep each week interesting and not fall in to a habit of not doing anything together when you can. For the rest of the time, you need to find things to do and adult company. Mother and toddler groups, for example, may be a great way for you to get out of the house, have some fun and meet other people. The more you can enjoy the time away from your husband, the less you’re going to place unrealistic expectations on how much he can do during the week, and hopes that he’ll be the one to bring excitement in to your life all the time. This is about balance: getting out more when he’s not around, and planning nice ways to make the most of the time he is. I don’t think you’re allowing each time to complement each other, listen to each other and support each other. Because you’re miserable, I think it’s you who’s decided that his ex is more exciting and more desirable. Unless you can switch your focus to working on the marriage and you as a couple, you’re going to make things worse.
I wish you all the very best.
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