A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:my husband wants to buy a house big enough for us to move into, and move the in laws in with us. Trouble is I most definitely do not want this! although he wont hear of anything otherwise. We are in our 20's, we have 3 young children. his parents in their late 40's. They are in good health, and I really don't see the need to share a home with them. It would be different if they were in dire straights and about to be on the streets, or very ill and needed to be looked after. Neither is the case though.Barring a horrid accident or health issue they have plenty of years left, and I don't want to spend plenty of years living with my in laws I want to enjoy our privacy and raising our children.I suggested if this is something he really wanted to do to make him and myself happy turning part of the house he wants into an apartment for them. He says this defeats the point of getting this house to begin with (its a big multi bedroom house).It would be us, our 3 kids his parents, his parents 3 dogs and four cats (and his niece and nephew on weekends) and he was talking about his brother moving in too....I am thinking that if he goes along with this sending him on his way and me staying in the place we are renting. Am I wrong for feeling opposed to this idea? Am I wrong if I decided to stay where we are now and letting him leave? right now I feel so lost and like my life is falling apart...He just refuses to hear (really hear) how I feel about this whole thing and is determined it is going to be done. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): No no no, please do not do this!! My now ex tried this one with me and I put my foot down and said no. He wasn't prepared to listen to my point of view.. It was all about him and his parents. My opinion obviously didn't matter to him so I told him if they moved in.. I moved out. And so I did!
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (2 April 2015):
 I really feel for you, not for his grand "one big happy family" idea but because he is not listening to you, to your needs and wishes, or even your fears, and that is not good in a marriage.
If he is hellbent on moving into a house with his parents, and his brother, then yes, tell him you and your children will be staying right where you are, and he can ride off into the sunset with mummy and daddy and brother without you.
I am trying to put myself in your shoes in such a situation, I would not like it, not one bit, not just the lack of privacy but more for the lack of voice.
Let your voice be heard, and if he isn't prepared to listen to your words, then let him listen to your actions.
One suggestion, his parents are involved, maybe ask your parents to tell him what THEY think of his grand plan for the future of THIER daughter and grandchildren.
Good luck, I hope you sort this out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): What stands out for me more than anything is that your views and wishes count for nothing in this 'relationship'. How can you ever be happy if you are treated as if you don't exist and that your feelings don't matter? Can you imagine a time when this would ever change or are you to live your life as your husband wishes for ever? What he is proposing amounts to a complete change in your way of life and I would not be happy with it either. I would also not be happy with my views being totally ignored. He likes to call the shots in your marriage, so you have to ask yourself if you're prepared to be a passenger in his life?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): Your husband first of all is more or less telling you that's how it's going to be. His way, or the highway.
Be that the case, you can't be a wimpy-wifey.
He has to get used to making major decisions together as a team. I note that you're both in your early-twenties. There might be an issue of immaturity on his part. He hasn't outgrown his parents; and he wants to still have mommy and daddy around for the sake of emotional-security. I think largely it is a cultural thing. The tradition for many ethnic-groups. Usually people who are second or third-generation Americans, descendents of immigrant parents or grandparents. I might add the elders of these households usually speak little, or no English. They require the language-skills and translation-assistance by younger family members.
If there was an illness or financial-issue; it would be justified, if not necessary. Most parents are more than willing, without a second-thought, to offer their adult-children a shelter and a haven. Usually, because they are recently divorced, saving, displaced from living away, a full-time student; or undergoing financial-hardship. This isn't your situation. It's in-reverse. He's inviting two healthy, middle-aged folks; still working and not on retirement income. Does he plan to charge them rent?
He has a notion that it will be one big happy family. Not if he isn't considering your feelings about it. Happy wife, happy marriage!
Before I was born, my parents lived with my grandparents with two kids while saving for their own home. My two oldest siblings were two and three by the time they bought their first home. I've seen the home movies of family picnics, Christmas, birthdays, and many memories that they shared together. It seemed ideal. However; my father did mention he often felt uncomfortable when he and my mother were having their typical marital spats. Granddad often gave unsolicited advice and criticism. Often interjecting his harsh opinions, when not welcomed. So dad, says.
My maternal grandparents are Native American, and very protective of my mother. Dad was much older than my mom; so they often chimed-in, when it was most inappropriate. They also stuck their noses where not invited, when it came to child-rearing. They didn't want their cultural-heritage to the family to be forgotten. That's to be expected of your parents; but that was my dad's motivation to get their own home all the more expediently.
My grandparents lived in a very large house. He raised five kids of his own in that house. Grandfather was a successful businessman, and it was his idea my parents live with them. I can honestly say, he insisted. He wouldn't take no for an answer. He was not the kind of man to bite his tongue; and could be very willful, opinionated, and bossy. My grandmother was worse!!! Poor Daddy!
I think the success of living as a combined generational family-unit, depends on how well you get along with your in-laws. They can't have too much access to your personal-life. It's really no different from if you moved back home. Only, they'll be under YOUR roof. Success depends on whether they are independent about their life-style, non-interfering; and hand's-off when it comes to the rearing and disciplining of your children. The size of the home has to give a feeling of privacy, and plenty of elbow-room. Anything short of that, and there is likely to be a lot of friction; and his parents will often side with him in disagreements. It's hard to to be told it's none of your business, when you're all living under the same roof!
He will often use his parents to reinforce his opinions. Outvoting you in every decision. Yes, my mom played that card too; so my father claims. You may have to put your foot-down, if you know this is the case with your own in-laws.
I know an Asian and two Italian families that live together in large homes; and they all seem very close-nit and get along really great. In-laws, kids, and all. It's common. The difference is, separate access and exits for the in-laws. More like apartments, or a guest-house. These people are all financially-comfortable. Space and privacy is not an issue. I can't say their parents don't stick their noses in their business. They can live a continent away and still do that! It's a small world with today's technology!
I think there are big-time house-rules to be set; and he has to respect your feelings about all this. If he is being headstrong and making a unilateral-decision; it is likely your marriage will be strained. All the families plus in-laws living together that I know; I know for certain made their decision as a "couple." It wasn't one-sided as in your case. As I said, it was also a cultural-thing.
It would be best to purchase a multifamily house. One family upstairs, and another downstairs; or, side-by-side. If he decides it has to be one house, and refuses to compromise; his parents should not impose on your marriage. They should opt-out, if it causes any friction. They may only be agreeing, because he insists. Women, talk. So nonchalantly ask how much your mother-in-law feels about it. She may not be all that hip on being built-in daycare, or on-call baby-sitter.
In any case, all this will depend on you having the back-bone to insist that he consider your opinion on where and how your family should live. Trust me, he is going to make you look bad like you don't want them around; and force you to acquiesce under-pressure to prove how much you love them. That's dirty-pool, and manipulative. You may have married the wrong guy; if he has so little respect for your opinions, and that resistant to your participation in making major decisions. He may find himself a single-man moving back in with mom and dad; if he doesn't learn that wives have equal-say in all household decisions. It's up to you to make that the case in your marriage. Politely let your in-laws know that you wish to raise your family in your own home, just as they did! Apparently their parents aren't living in their home. Make your feelings known to all.
If they don't like it? Too bad!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt would be just his parents, although the house supposedly has more then enough room for my parents to move in as well should need ever be.
But his parents would be moving in when we did, we would be paying for the house. His parents are very ok with this idea though.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 April 2015):
 WHICH "in-laws"???? HIS folks???? What about YOUR'S?????
This has all the trappings of "the beginning of the end" (of your marriage). IF HE is so Hell-bent to live with his folks.... isn't there, possibly, some other, underlying, issue????
IF you felt that you wanted to accommodate him as much-so as possible.... tell him that you'd be fine with his folks living next door - or, across the street - rather like that TV show "Raymond"....
BUT... in the SAME HOUSE???? .... and NOT even in an "in-laws" apartment with that bit of separation????....
This has "DISASTER" written all over it.... YOU, dear lady, should hold your ground.... (OR, be prepared that this "Mama's boy" of a "husband" is having trouble fledging from his family "nest."
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, malvern  +, writes (2 April 2015):
 Do his parents want to move in with both of you? Most parents are happy when their grown up children move out. It's as though your husband has not grown up and needs the comfort of his parents around him, and this is a little worrying. It may be worth having a private talk to them to find out their views on the matter, but don't tell your husband you're doing it. As a mother of two sons in their late twenties I cannot possibly imagine either of them expecting me to give up my home and lifestyle in order to move in with them. To be honest it's just not normal(except in certain circumstances) and I can only see a whole host of problems arising from all of you living together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe would be buying the house.
And paying for the building of her barn for her horses.
The place is big enough my parents could stay. But he says they probably wouldn't stay long or at all since he wouldn't allow them to smoke in it.
His parents are all for the idea of moving in like this I feel like the only weirdo not into this.
Not to mention not only is it a big 13 bedroom house. But old. It's going to be hell to keep up.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 April 2015):
 You know when we first moved from one end of the country to another (mainly because hubby has family here) we stayed with my BIL for 3 months. IT was a nightmare (for me and the kids) not so much for hubby.
We have been looking for a house to buy and hubby suggested we get one big enough that BIL can live there too. The thing is, the two years we have been here he has had 3 GROWN daughter live OFF him (not paying a dime or lifting a finger) grand-kids, a couple of dogs, a couple of cats.... (all the pets then re-homed because they were too much "hassle".) I CAN NOT live like that. I will NOT become a MAID for my nieces and my BIL's grand-kids. I told hubby FLAT out no. I don't even want to buy a house on the same street. Because I can ONLY picture how CONVENIENTLY it will be for the adult girls to try and drop off their kids for me to watch... NO.
YOU are within your limits of NOT wanting to SHARE a house with the in-laws. I would suggest buying a house close by, but living together ? NO.
Who is paying for the house? It is coming from you and your husband's finances?
Do the parents EVEN want that? Not everyone wants to becomes build in baby sitters.
What about YOUR parents? Are only HIS welcome?
This is NOT his decision alone.
I would sit him down and tell him you are not interested in this WHAT so ever. So he needs to decide what is more important .
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