A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I read this site often and am always struck by how great the Agony Aunts/Uncles are in giving out advice. It always done with common sense, compassion and empathy and no judgment. I hope you can give me some advice too, as I need to hear the hard truth from objective people. In fact, I want to be slapped with it,figuratively speaking!I have been involved with a man for the past 4 years, and I really don’t know how else to describe it. We are not seeing each other or dating. He is significantly older than me (21yrs senior) and I have known him for a lot longer than the time that we have been involved. Before him, I did not date seriously and was focused on my career goals. I am attractive and successful, and have no shortage of male attention, though I’ve preferred being single for the most part. He is the one that pursued me and when we started dating, seemed more eager to rush into things. I took things cautiously since I knew the age gap could be an issue. Then all of a sudden, after about 6mo, he told me he is not ready for anything serious. We ended things and though it hurt (I had developed deep feelings for him), I was ok to move on. This is when the real roller coaster began. We started seeing each other again after about a month, and then got into a cycle of ending things and restarting. I honestly don’t know why I let myself get into this situation. I’m rational and logical, and normally not swayed by emotions. But this man has some hold on me that I just can’t break out of. I think all the right things and in the end, it is the same old story. We have been very intimate but not crossed some lines, as neither of us is ready. We have a great connection, and genuinely get along, aside from our attraction for each other. I have to be honest, there are times when I feel like I hate him, and other times when I love him. I hate feeling this helplessness when it comes to him and I fight myself every time. Then out of the blue, he manages to get back into my life. And, I am ashamed to say, I let him. I’ve ended things with him many, many times; yet I can’t get him out of my system. And he knows he has my “number”, so to speak. I don’t want to be this way anymore, and wish I could just forget all about him. I would appreciate any advice and tips on moving past this. Thanks for reading.
View related questions:
move on Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 April 2015):
 Sageoldguy's post , and your comment about Russian lit, reminded me of something that may belong to your situation...
In " Anna Karenina " , at the very end, on her way to the station where she will commit suicide, Anna Karenina sees some street urchins flocking around a filthy cart of unappealing-looking ice cream, and she muses " We all like sweet. We all want something sweet, something good . And if it can't be fancy candy....then, it will be filthy ice-cream ".
Yes sure,we all need "love " - but for that , a mother or a good friend can be enough.
The thing is,also we all need to feel passionate, excited about something, and made feel as we are special, and that our life MATTERS, and our presence COUNTS, and our days are meaningful and memorable, not just the meaningless, no matter how pleasant and enjoyable, repetition of daily activities.
Now, some people, have or develop the inner resource from within themselves , to feel this way , unconditionally .
Other people reach this state through work accomplishments, or art, or music, politics, devotion to a cause, a faith etc.etc.
And others again,... get their fix of emotions , their fill of adrenaline, through some codependent , dysfunctional relationship, which they know very well to be just
" filthy ice-cream " and nothing more, but which at least adds some taste to a too emotionally bland, resourceless life.
Not sure how much exactly this befits your specific case ( to some extent, I am pretty sure it does,as it's a classic of " addictive " relationships ) anyway... it's food for thought.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Female anon 3, what you said has really resonated with me. You are absolutely right, he is like a drug to me and me,to him. He is not abusive in any way,and I've never had an angry word or action from him. He is kind and even-tempered. I'm sorry you had to deal with that as it affects one's sense of self, and esteem so much, sometimes in subtle ways that are not apparent until much later. I am also glad that you are doing better and picking up the pieces.I've changed jobs and moved many states away couple of months ago , and yet I feel his hold on me. As frustrated as I am (mostly with myself for not getting past this and partly with him, because he knows how I feel and doesn't do the right thing in just letting me go), my feelings are also the same, just like you. They run very deep. I know it's not going to be easy, and I am afraid of being weak yet again. At the same time I feel, I don't have it in me to tolerate any more of this. I wish you the very best too, and I hope you get back to your old self soon and completely.-OP
...............................
A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (3 April 2015):
It sounds like you DO have the willpower to stop the roller-coaster because you say that you've managed to go "no contact" before and that it's not YOU that initiates contact but him.
Why not remove the possibility of that happening by
-Changing phone numbers
-changing email addresses (or blocking him from your existing one
-blocking him from all social media sites (or even coming off them)
-installing some home security so if he turns up at your door you can see who it is first. Then decide not to open the door and pretend to be out.
You can do it!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): HiI've also been there with an exciting, mentally stimulating, very different kind of man, who would suddenly get angry for no reason...really! Just out of the blue to put you off kilter. I'd leave as it was such horrible behaviour and then he'd apologise and after a little while I would go back. Lost count of the number of times I either left or he threw me out for some imagined and trifling offence such as me getting confused with the remote control. One examlpe. Despite the awful behaviour, the good outweighed the bad and I kept returning. He was like a drug to me and I was like one to him. Eventually after about five years. the bad started to outweigh the good (other sorts of abuse frequently present) and I suddenly felt like I'd come up against a brick wall and I finished it. It wasn't I decision I sat down and made, it just happened. The hard part was sticking to it. Honestly the hardest thing I've had to do. My feelings for him were the same. For eighteen months I knew he was there, waiting and so it wasn't as if we'd really broken up. Now he is with a woman about 25 years younger than him, gorgeous as well. It was the kick in the heart I needed to finally move on and although it hurt, I am finally starting to feel free from him. This awful kind of roller coaster relationship unfortunately goes deep and it takes a lot of getting away from. Don't underestimate how difficult this can be and be kind to yourself about it, but if you can, be strong and keep being strong. It's like coming off a drug. I'm getting back to my old self and concentrating on me again. They have a clever way of making you concentrate on them.Please read 'Why Does He Do That?' by Professor Lundy Bancroft. An excellent book that helped me a lot.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): OP from your postit seems you have formed an unhealthy attachment with this man. Stop giving reasons why you continue this unhealthy relationship which is causing you anxiety and upset.
Remove him from your life and go strong with that decision. Don't look back. Sever those ties. This has dragged on for too long. There us better out there for you. The option to 'Do nothing' until now and has been the path of least resistance and it spells longterm anguish for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2015): Dear WiseOwlE, I thank you for your thoughtful and yes, tough love response. I need that! There is some truth in what you say, and some of which does not apply. I completely agree about the co-dependency part, it is a bit perverse. I recognize all of this and yet, here I am.
This man hasn't provided me with any stability. I often feel off-kilter with him because of all the highs and lows. He is emotionally unavailable and no, I don't think "he's better than nothing" I would much rather prefer nothing than being stuck in this perpetual limbo with him. He is extremely intelligent and gets my mind going like no other. That was my first attraction to him. He challenges me, and really we have a strong mental connection. I don't even see his age sometimes, is that odd? It bothers him more than it does me.
As I said, I ended things many times with him because I want something serious,if at all. After these "break-ups" I don't initiate contact, and never seek him out, as painful as it is to me. I have cried myself to sleep many times over him. He is the one who always comes back,he says just the right words, and voila, the cycle is on again.I accept full responsibility for this, as without my participation, this would not happen. I'm weak and very vulnerable when it comes to him. I don't blame him, I blame myself.
This time I feel different and more resolved. Just posting my feelings out here has made me feel more objective and stronger.
Thanks again for your reply, I appreciate it.
-OP
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (3 April 2015):
 Wise Old Owl said it like it is; so get off the rideand tear up the tickets.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): Ok,what do you mean by "We have been very intimate but not crossed some lines, as neither of us is ready"???
What is that code for???
No sex??
In 4 years??
I mean that's my guess (albeit not a great one as I can't see what you'll be going back for??)
" there are times when I feel like I hate him, and other times when I love him."-now,THIS, this I totally get. I'm like that. Best angry SEX ever! Something about them ticks you off, but damn the bastard there is something else that "lures you in" so to speak.
THOUGH, no feelings on my side. Just irritation (coz I was being attracted to something/somebody I did NOT want to be attracted to! Yet I was...)
It was easy for me to move on-I stopped fighting it, f*cked him, got even more irritated (with myself this time!), left.
I did NOT leave till I got properly angry with myself. Don't know why. Don't ask.
But there were no feelings (or not deep ones) on my side. My advice? There are feelings on your side-move jobs (if your constant loop is linked to having to see him often?) and go get somebody else unsuitable for a while. After,Mr NOT Right N2, things weirdly clarified a bit for me.
If you are NOT like me,i.e.:
"Best way to get over a man is to get under another,as they say ;)"
THEN
Still dump his ass. He's simply wiser and more experienced than you and what you described sounds like emotional manipulation. Like playing games. You even say you have a "number"? You are the one who allows the emotional manipulation go on,so only YOU can stop it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): There is an apparent co-dependency here. You seem to be a very intelligent and articulate woman. You say you haven't really had any serious relationships?
There's your problem.
When you get lonely, or feel yourself emotionally off-balance; you go running back to your "daddy-figure."
He gives you a feeling of stability. When you feel yourself facing loneliness, vulnerable; and tired of playing the role of "independent-woman." You can fall-back on him; and feel attached, and taken-care-of.
That's delusional, girlfriend!!!
After your co-dependent fix, when you get your bearings, and finally fed-up with his old-geezer ways. You tap-out. You're done! This is it, the final-straw! It's over.
See you next cycle! You life is in a loop.
Then, comes those social dry-spells when no one asks you out, you get lonely, and he doesn't seem so bad after-all. Does any of this sound familiar? Old-habits are hard to break. You need to take yourself on an exotic-vacation, and have a romance. You're stagnating. Playing to his tune.
My advice. Get a grip or get a date, girlfriend!
Stop dragging "old-familiar" around for comfort and convenience. The ever-ready stand-by. You don't love him.
So stop lying to yourself. He's a crutch.
Recycling that headache of a whatchamacallit relationship. Living by the old adage; "well, he's better than nothing!" That, my dear, is a cop-out. It's easier than putting your lazy-behind out there, and dealing with the dating-scene.
I know, I know, who wants to put up with all those wackos out there? You have to, or you'll become an aging-cougar who watched the best years of her life go-by. Sadly and pathetically resorting to chasing cute young players, spending-up your cash; and wondering what in the hell is wrong with you? You'll end-up wasting your prime years. Reaching that terrible mid-life crisis. Trying to recapture your lost-youth by getting your face pulled-back, pumped with fillers, and your chest filled with jelly-sacs, like those awful reality stars on TV. Keep at what you're doing, and all I've said will come to pass.
This is tough-love; so I'm giving it to you straight.
It's time to wash that old-coot out of your hair. It's time to date other men, and stop settling for "male-attention."
Attention isn't enough. A few flirtations, or an expensive dinner now and then. You need something real, and you need to stop falling back on your "old bad-habits."
You can do better. I can't give you the kick in the pants you deserve; so I think you'll have to do this all on your own. Leaving your "security-blanket" isn't an easy process; but you have to cut yourself loose. You've got to outgrow your daddy-figure, and stop using him to make you feel young forever. You're all grown-up, and missing out on someone handsome, different, and into you. Someone to just kickback, and enjoy the fruits of your labor. You don't have to commit right-away; I mean you should seek something meaningful and new. Even if it takes time and effort to find it. Go dump that old-fart! You're sitting in jail, with the key in your hand.
Is that motivational enough?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2015): OP here. I actually have that book and am reading "The Brothers Karamazov" right now. I love Dostoevsky. I will read all the Russian lit,if that's what it takes :)
I'm tired of torturing myself over this...
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 April 2015):
 Get a copy of Feyodor Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" and commit yourself to reading it - cover to cover - without stopping.
It will take about 6 months.... and - when you are done - this guy will have disappeared, and your "problem" will be solved!!!!
Good luck..
...............................
|
