A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I met a man a few years ago and we kept in touch. He always made it clear he is not ready to settle down. In the last few years he hasn't had serious relationships and we started dating again but he still doesn't want to live with anyone or get too serious. However he says he would be happy for us to carry on having an exclusive relationship but not live together until we're older (in a few more years). We are both in our 40's. Some of his female cousins say he is a bit of a 'peter pan' but basically a nice guy. Any thoughts? He says he is scared of being hurt and scared of the connection (which we do have) 'dying' as happened to him before. He got used to living alone, does not get that lonely but likes company too ( and I am the same/similar) but I think of the two of us I am more willing to take a chance even if it means getting hurt. I have met other men over the years but he is the only person who I really feel connected to. I have thought about this properly and it really is a genuine connection. When we are together we barely notice anything or anyone else. It's a bit hard to explain and it probably sounds a bit weird but neither of us are 'player' or 'string people along' types - we both have baggage. it's just kind of how it is. Would be grateful for insights and thoughts. The one thing we do disagree about is communication as I am much more chatty but he goes based on the quality of the time we spend together/speak. At the moment he is in Italy and me in England but I would relocate to Italy if necessary as it would be easier for me work wise (self employed etc whereas he has a job for life there which he couldn't transfer to the UK) Thank you.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 I think what a Peter Pan ( although a nice, non promiscuous Peter Pan ) who is happy ( or happyER,in fact ), living alone really means with this type of talk is that he ain't gonna fix it if it is not broken, and that you are welcome to be part of his life ONLY if you are the one doing all the adjustments and compromises to fit in, and do not expect ANY effort from him in that sense. This, till the moment,late in time, he gets resigned that he can do no better than you and that there won't be any more takers for him. Because, let's face it, that's what
" committment " ( or fear of ) is all about : keeping options open. A Peter Pan may very well be a monogamist, but, at least in his mind, he's a serial monogamist.
With these premises, I really don't know, it sounds like a big step uprooting yourself and leaving your family and friends behind, ... for the pleasure of ,in practice,... having "aperitivo " dates with a charming guy twice a week . ( Although, let me say, our aperitivos are notoriously excellent ) . Then again , it all depends how asventurous and flexible you are, and what you feel you'd be giving up to,much or little ? I have a Scottish friend who did just that, following to Rome her mature Peter Pan. That resulted in maybe one year of dating- and an unplanned child . Then again, that was 30 years ago.. and she's still there today, because , in the meantime, she had become disenchanted with the guy, but enchanted with the place and the lifestyle.
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