A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:EVER since I can remember my mom has always treated me different from my brother. I'm 19 and he's 21 and we both have daughters now. When I wanted something as a kid I always had to beg but when my brother asked it was so easily given. I've told her many times she treats me different from him she says "i don't know why you always have to compare yourself to him" or "why do you always bring him up" I've tried being open to my mom more than ever now going through a lot in the past 5 years. We never had a mother daughter relationship but then I moved to my bf house when I was 16 and for some reason she missed me (I never listened to her before I moved out) we talked and got a little close but she would never or if she did it was rare for her too come visit me... now that I have a daughter she wants too come around. Anyways Every time I'm in a sad mode or I'm having a fight with my bf I try to get support from her it always ends up being an argument or she tells me "why I don't yell at my bf." I know I can't make my mom change but I can't even tell if she cares even though she tells me she does. I've always preferred my dad because he would defend me when I was being picked on by my mom because of my brother. Last time we had a fight because she was selling her car and way before I even turned 18 I've been telling her about how much I could use a car especially now more than ever having my 4 month old daughter. Before she even thought about selling her car I told her if she ever did that I could really use it, since she decided that she did want too I told her I would be willing to take over the last payments and give her more, but my brother found out the day of and he told her he was interested in the car even though he already had a car, so I told her to talk to him and then come talk to me but the next day when I called she had already given the car away and hadn't even gave me a chance so we got into a argument and I didn't talk to her for a while.. Recently after another fight she told me too grow up (again I just turned 19 this year.... 3/24) my brother treats her bad like really bad he's pushed her told her mean things and is just very disrespectful he even told her she doesn't pay rent living at her own house with his gf and their baby, they pay rent but that's it and they fight constantly she still treats him better. I have a lot to tell but it's too much to write.What should I do about how my mom treats me? Overall I do love her and I know she loves me.
View related questions:
moved out Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Why would being mistreated by her mother and grandmother make your mom a better parent? I think instead it would set her up for a lifetime of poor choices and dysfunctional family.
I'm not trying to apologize for her but I do think there's something very very sad about a woman with 10 children by different fathers and whose mother didn't know enough about menstruation to help instruct her mother.
Based on your post, your mother was abused and neglected.
It's sad but not surprising that she would struggle with parenthood.
What should you do about how your mother treats you?
Professional help. For yourself or as a family counselor.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy mom didn't have the best childhood either her mom or my grandma favored her other sibling just like she's doing to me now... you think that would make her be a better mom or at least not make her children feel that way... I'm her baby and the way she treats me makes me feel like telling her to forget I exist.. but I need her since I have no one else to turn too.. when she was raised her mom didn't tell her about things either just like she did with me I have to find out on my own what a menstrual Was even though she did help me acquire the things I needed for that.. the brother she favours is the only blood-related brother I have from the same dad. The others are from dad's who aren't around anymore. As well my brothers have stories about how my mom treated them with neglect also because she was young and wanted to still have fun. But I don't understand after having her own mother treat her that way why should wouldn't learn from her mom's mistakes to not do that with her own children... I don't want to say mabye my mom is just a bad mom and focus on the bad things she does... half the time we get along lately only because my daughter I have to talk to her as she is the only other person I can ask for a ride since I have no car.. every other day I hear her telling me something disrespectful my brother did or said.. Theirs been a time when they fought because his gf and him were fighting and he was hitting her so she got involved and his gf said something bad my mom tried slapping her and he flipped the book and was pushing my mom and trying to hit her I stepped in and was defending my mom.. afterwards she almost had a heart attack... basically she know that my brother treats her bad and she still helps him out regardless of any of those MANY situations... she has even told me herself " I don't know why he treats me like this when I help him out so much" I tell her "well you know how he is so why do you complain if your still going too" etc... I know she knows how she treats me is wrong she's told me before "it's time for me and your dad to start helping you out" constantly tells me she loves me and stuff but when I'm mentally breaking down and need her support or even if it's not those days we end up getting into a argument.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2015):
You were rebellious but never did anything wrong or talked back? So how exactly were you rebellious? You must have been a very nice kind rebellious child (I mean that in the nice kind way!).
Are all your brothers and sisters from the same father?
You focus on this one brother but you have eight other siblings besides you two. With this many siblings, I can't imagine how you could possibly treat them all the same. The first born would get lots of attention and by child #10, the others would have to be helping out or Mom would collapse with exhaustion from trying to do everything for every one of them in exactly the same way.
Was she an absent mother for many of her children or were you singled out?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is the person who posted this. I left out that my mom is a mom of 10 children... 7 boys and 3 girls. Also I don't think she ever treated any of my sister's like this. And yes I was rebellious but I never did anything wrong or talked back to my mom I gave her the respect even when she didn't deserve it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): Parents are different with their first-born; even if they won't admit it. It's politically-correct to tell their children they love you all equally. If that is even possible.
Her relationship with your brother started two years before you were born. He was her first pregnancy, and he made her a mother before you did.
We receive posts from people and it is very hard to tell when people are embellishing their story to get sympathy or they need aunts and uncles to pick sides. I always give the person unable to defend themselves benefit of the doubt. You're the OP, so you get to tell your side and vent your feelings. I do believe your mother loves you. I think you spend a lot of time measuring her feelings and comparing yourself to your brother. There is always a certain amount of sibling-rivalry, and you have issues with both your mother and your brother. You paint a dark picture of both of them, and I guess we have to accept your biased opinion of both. What choice do we have?
You were rebellious at 16, and probably harbor a lot of resentment towards your mother. Daughters and mothers either get along well, or they rub each other the wrong way. You acted-out on your feelings by being rebellious, and most likely a handful. Your mother treats you differently; because you're two different people. He's male and you're female. How can she treat you both exactly the same? You're not the same.
Once a child is convinced a parent favors another; that becomes engrained. Maybe she notices you like your dad more. You even admit you do. There is nothing a parent can do, once a child decides they don't like them for whatever reason. You simply don't like her. She can't turn-back time.
Your mother is now much older and set in her ways. You will get along better when you put your resentment aside and stop trying to tell her how to be your mother. I think that's up to her. Most mothers can't wait until their daughters become mothers of daughters. Then they assume the role, and have a very different opinion as time passes.
Love your mother in spite of her faults. You only get one.
You've spend a lot of years being angry and resenting her.
You have a chance to create the kind of relationship you want just by appreciating the times you do get along. If you'd stop letting your resentment get in the way, and stop perceiving her as a monster. I think your anger at her goes deep and nothing she does will ever please you. If she read your post and wrote her side; we see more than how bad she treats you. We'd know how you sass her, don't listen, probably always showed her your worst behavior. So she treats you accordingly.
One day, plan a trip to a beach or a lake. Someplace beautiful and quiet. Peaceful. Take a stroll with your mother and bare your soul to her. Tell her how angry you are at her, how slighted you feel, and let her know how much you love her. You need to get the anger out of your soul my dear. Your mother had a right to do whatever she wanted with her car. If all she ever sees is your anger and disgust with her; that makes it very hard to be generous to you.
I have never met you, nor your mother. Families have their problems. There is nothing new under the sun. Mother-daughter conflicts go back centuries. I bet you haven't said much nice; or haven't been nice to your mother for a long time. After reading your post, I can tell you haven't.
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 April 2015):
 I believe you. You have seen, experienced too many instances over the years to have misjudged the clues.
You would not be the first person to see or experience or hear such evidence.
It is hurtful, and it is not as rare as some people think.
Although some people may choose to say that someone is imaging the parent could be so cruel or indifferent.
But my view is that these things do happen as I have seen multiple examples of this very situation.
And it does not happen due to something you said, or did not say. Nor something you did do, or did not do.
Personally I think it's lousy parenting. Because I've seen evidence of it starting at a very early age.
I really dislike when I hear a parent labelling one child negatively when they only have superlatives for the rest of the children. Because siblings will pick up on these negarives and reinforce the bias.
Though you too have already gravitated more towards one parent than another, and that too can be picked up by the other parent.
I think the parent can sometimes be unaware that they are afflicted with this bias. But other times they most certainly do know that their bias exists. Such a bias can become glaringly obvious when, in the end, they choose to make a Will that solely or significantly does favour one offspring over another - even though both offspring are doing about the same financially.
Can you change your mother? In this case I think it very unlikely. Especially as she chooses to dismiss your concerns with ''why do you always bring that up.'' this suggests to me that she is not about to start examing her actions for bias.
Your brother would be well aware that you get a less favourable reaction from your mother and he exploits his advantage (the car episode) to gain the upper hand.
So I don't think your brother would be interested in any change to this situation, as it suits him.
I'd suggest that you prepare for a situation that indicates that as you get older the divide may become even more pronounced. This might mean that you could be helped by a small amount of counselling.
Build your own emotional resilience as the bias can have less emotional impact on you if you have worked on your own inner strength and can accept your mother's failings and see it as her problem, not yours.
Because your mother will miss out on the easy acceptance and support that you are more than willing to offer, but right now your mother rebuffs your efforts.
You are not asking to be treated with absolute equalness.
You are asking to be treated with Equity and respect..
When means with fairness and respect and being heard and listened to - and not have your views dismissed as having no substance. (and that does not equal)
What can you do?
Accept that it is hurtful. Accept that your brother is not going to want the situation to change.
Ask your mother to lunch and ask her to hear you out. Tell how her actions make you feel and the hurt her words and behaviour are causing you.
Let her know that you'll always love her, and believe that she loves you.
Tell her that you are not going to try to change her behaviour. Only your mother can do that.
But that you may be forced in the future to become stronger and more resilient in order to cope with the pain of what feels like rejection to you. To do that you would be likely to choose to embrace more activities that provide you with the validation and respact and acceptance.
You can choose to redevelop your own skills and gain emotional support through other means. That might mean volunteering in a capacity in your community - be it a local project or a local enterprise that needs volunteers. Some service clubs are often on the lookout for new members. There are often local community projects where similarly willing locals volunteeer and give their time and effort.
In these projects you will receive important feedback, acceptance and support from others who appreciate your efforts.
This way the acceptance, validation of your worth and support may come from a wide range of people, which ever support angle you choose to consider.
Also work on your fitness. If your daughter is still very young then a walk in the park and some stretching exercises can still be accomplished and you can even take her with you.
Remember too that sometimes we emulate what we have seen. So identify ways that you can prevent this happening to your child in the event that you do go on to have an additional child.
If your mother starts to complain then remind her of your earlier talk over lunch.
If she then chooses to embrace change then well and good.
If she still doesn't accept the need for any change then at least you have worked on addressing the pain within you due to her actions, and learned more, through counselling and greater emotional resilience, to control your reactions and find the validation/acceptance you need, elsewhere.
.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2015): In many ways your Mum sounds very similar to my Mum, except that in my case she favoured my younger sister - but in almost exactly the same ways that you say she treats your brother.I am much older than you now - I'm 47 - but the pain of what you describe really hit home to me. I know exactly what you mean when you say she's never been like a mother and you've never had a mother/daughter relationship. It can be agony and it's made worse when your Mum has the opposite relationship with a sibling.In my case, I think why my Mum was a 'real' Mum to my younger sister was that my younger sister was born ten years after me. I have an older sister too and my Mum emotionally neglected both of us, but doted on the younger one. Partly I think this is because she could no longer deny that she'd made a real mess of bringing up her first two daughters - my elder sister had a breakdown at 17 and I tried to kill myself at 18 - and wanted to try harder with the last one. But I also think it's because (being a parent myself for a long time now) parents sometimes do get better at parenting as time goes on and they themselves grown up. But another part of me is 100% sure there was a spiteful element to my mother's favouritism of my younger sister - where she did it to 'put a lid' on any possible complaints from my elder sister and I that she had been totally neglectful, emotionally and psychologically, when we were growing up; she WAS, but she never once admitted it and just said that we were both against her - which was nonsense.In your case, I think it's slightly different. I think your Mum is actually used to taking a very subordinate role in the family and has learned, somewhere along the line, that men are better than women, including better than herself. A lot of women, in marriage, effectively 'surrender' their power to their husbands and it causes them to switch off a sense of responsibility as a mother AND it can cause massive problems because a lot of deeper level anger and resentment can fester and it can often be expressed through neglecting the children's needs. Your mother, in my opinion, has abused you through emotional neglect and through psychological torture that goes with that. Denying your own daughter the very natural feelings that she will have to 'bond' with her mother, is one of the cruellest things I think a woman can do to another younger woman. It really hurts. When you are growing up you need your mother's reassurance, her opinions and her sharing discussions and ideas with you. In this way you get a healthy sense of self reflected back to you, gradually and over time. It doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip and agree about everything, but it does mean that the 'lines are always open' so to speak and you can express needs and desires to her without fear of rejection - this is NOT the same as being spoiled - I'm not saying a mother should accommodate every kid's whim, but the child should learn to accept some things she or he cannot have, without fearing being personally rejected just for asking.In my mother's case she was a very angry woman who was, paradoxically, in a very subordinate role as wife. She showed her angry by NEVER doing any housework and bringing us up in total chaos. She would do things like cook our dinner hours earlier than when my Dad would come home from work and then leave his dinner to shrivel in the oven every single night. So he would come home to a dried up dinner and we never ate together. This was because she hated the role she was in. To the outside world she was charming as anything. No one would have ever believed we were neglected but we were. She did things like not tell us what periods were, so that this was frightening when it started and she wouldn't buy sanitary towels. In my whole lifetime I never once had a conversation with her about her or my inner feelings - she would mock me if I tried to express any need at all and mock me if I cried. We were brought up on clothes from charity shops and jumble sales (even though my Dad was earning a really good salary and the town thought we were rich). On the other hand, my younger sister was doted on from the day she was born and given everything she needed and more. To this day she (younger sister) believes me and elder sister are evil, because that's what my Mum led her to believe.I see similarities in the way your Mum is behaving. It feels like part of her "submitted" to her role as mother but without ever really embracing it. Maybe she had few options but to marry? The pattern of not nurturing your child emotionally and then turning round and blaming your child as they grow up is very familiar and it's an abusive one.I'm assuming you want a very different relationship with your own daughter? It is possible. I have a wonderful relationship with my own, now grown up.I think the best you can do for your own sanity is put some boundaries up between you and your Mum. Go and get some counselling to help you to see the pattern that she's created and think through how you want to respond do her. It's one thing knowing that your Mum loves you but I don't think it should be so difficult to have to identify that knowledge. You should FEEL loved and you should be thriving on it and blossoming. I know my daughter is and I know just what it is to go without that feeling and how hard it can be to give that to a child when you never had it for yourself. For your daughter's sake I'd say get some counselling and help to decide what you want your relationship to be like with your mother, given that she's unlikely to change.
...............................
|
