A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I’ve just started a new relationship I really like him I split with my partner a year ago he split with his 4 months ago we were in bed last night and he told me he still loves his ex so obviously now I am confused as to what to do I know I should end it but I really think we could be good together anyone been in a similar position if you what did you do thank you
View related questions:
his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2020): Try to think of this 'boyfriend' in a different light to the one you are looking at him with at the moment.
He has used you. Used you as a sticking plaster.
No way is he actually ready to date you properly, but that didn't stop him from using you to make himself feel better, even though he knew he was only using you. He was quite aware that he can't have a proper relationship with you, but he was willing to string yuo along until he'd got into your panties. THEN tell you he wasn't emotionally available.
That must have hurt. A LOT.
See him differently.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2020): You will always wonder if he's thinking of her when he is with you. That is torture. He only left her 4 months ago; which means he may have found you on the rebound.
The toughest age-group to get our advice across to, are women in their late 30's and over. Once you think you love someone, or there is the potential of forming a relationship; you will go through absolute hell before you come to your senses.
You will get more and more attached as the days go by. What if he suddenly decides he's going back to her, or she decides she wants him back? He said he still loves her; so that means the odds are more likely he will leave you to return to her.
Let me tell you from experience. It hurts worse when somebody dumps you, and you didn't see it coming. At least he warned you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2020):
 LOL @ Auntie Cindycares!
" And your grandma could be a wheelbarrow, °if only ° she had wheels."
Yes 100% to that!
OP, you know what's going on here. You KNOW what the right choice is, you are just not really WANTING it to end. Because you cling to "hope". You HOPE that if YOU only LOVE him enough, GIVE him enough of you, HE will magically get over his ex and love YOU forever and you can then ride into the sunset.
It's not realistic.
You need to USE your BRAIN for thinking, not your heart.
Wish him well, and let him know that it's NOT healthy or FAIR for you to be strung along while he process the loss of his last relationship.
If he can somehow convince you to be this FWB/ rebound while he "gets over" his ex, He will DUMP you the minute he is over her. For someone who has sturdier boundaries and more self respect.
Why do I say that? Because he CHOSE to tell you that he still loves his ex, AFTER you had sex. Because he knew if he had told you before - ANY women with an OUNCE of self-respect wouldn't have had sex with him.
Do the right thing, FOR YOU. End it.
...............................
A
female
reader, Beets +, writes (10 July 2020):
 Here is my feeling on this:
He got you. He knows he has you. Now his commitmentphobia is rearing on it's hind legs like a stallion horse in a springtime parade.
I doubt he means, "I love her like a sister." He means, "If she were to come along right this moment while I'm using you to mop up my sexual needs, I'd drop you like a hot potato and leave you here alone and never think of you again."
Are you okay with giving your very best to a man who openly tells you he still loves another girl? While I don't know you, I feel like somehow you deserve better than this. Everything I have read says to ALWAYS believe a man when he tells you who he is. Maybe you can tell him that you hear what he said, and out of the kindness of your heart, you are going to set him free to tie up those loose ends with the one he "loves." Then he will argue with you that you somehow misunderstood [because while he may love her, he doesn't want to lose free sex.] Or, you can simply be too busy for him ever again. I know your heart is in this, and I know you have caught feelings for him. However, you are always going to be in competition with the one he just told you he still loves.
I hope you make yourself #1 in this thing. My heart goes out to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 " I know I should end it "- then, if you know, why don't you end it ?
You could be good together... °if only ° he weren't still in love with his ex. And your grandma could be a wheelbarrow, °if only ° she had wheels.
It is what it is. You have to live in the present. The way the things are atm are , that this guy has no head space and heart space for investing in you. And he said it, too. ( Unfortunate timing; it would have been better, and more gentlemanly, he had said that °before ° having sex with you, so that you could choose if you really wanted to be so intimate with someone who is not emotionally available. )
...............................
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 4 months is not a long enough time to get over a serious relationship. With that being said, he obviously would still be into his ex. He is completely wrong for roping you in on that though. You don't deserve that. If he knows that he is in love with his ex, the last thing that he should do is force himself to move on this soon. It's bound to create even more problems for him and it's bound to hurt you in some way. My advice is to leave him to work through it alone. It's his responsibility to help himself heal and should he feel it's time for him to move on... Really time for him to move on; that's a conclusion that he should reach on his own. You cannot make him abandon his feelings regardless of how good the two of you could potentially be together. The fact of the matter is that at some point this would have come back to haunt you so it's better that you know now. There's no room for him to grow to love you when his heart is already somewhere else, with someone else. Give yourself a proper chance at love and leave this emotionally unavailable man alone.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (10 July 2020):
 What a time to tell someone they are still in love with their ex, when they are in bed with someone they have just started dating.
So many people come out of lenthy relationships and start getting into the dating scene way to soon. Its so important to take a break, give ourselves enough time to completely get over that relationship, how ever long that may take.
He is clearly not ready to start dating you as he is still harbouring feelings for his ex. He should have told you this way before you both ended up in bed.
I assume that he is going to establish contact with his ex, and try to get back with her?.
I think if someone told me they are still in love with their ex, especially so early on in a relationship i would be inclined to leave it there and let them get on with it. Its not worth wasting your time and energy on someone who is in love with someone else.
Move on, and find someone with out romantic attachments to someone else.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): You need to say goodbye to this man.
He still has feelings for someone else and he is not emotionally available to you. He is not going to automatically wake up and realise he doesn’t have feelings for her anymore and has them for you instead.
He is trying to use you to get over his ex - you are a rebound. Men use rebounds to try and ‘rid them’ of their feelings for someone else. It will lead to him resenting you when that hasn’t worked.
4 months is not enough time to get over someone you loved.
Move onto someone who is available to you, otherwise you are setting yourself up for heartbreak. You may think you will be good together but this man will never see you as you want him to. He is not capable of that until he is over his ex.
You may think things are good now, but trust me - he will soon turn cold, distant and he will see it as YOUR fault. That your not good enough. You will never match up to his ex at the minute. If he is the same age as you then this is also a sign he is emotionally immature - find someone else.
You can do better.
...............................
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (10 July 2020):
 What is there to be confused about? He loves his ex. He is not in a position to have a real relationship with anyone else yet. Walk away before you get hurt.
When someone tells you something as straight forward as this, you need to listen, consider the implications and put yourself and your feelings first.
...............................
|
