A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Sorry in advance for how long this is about to be...I really really appreciate any perspectives any of you are able to offer.So about two years ago I got out of a borderline abusive relationship with a man who, while I actually think his intentions were probably mostly okay, he had just been brought up with some very disturbing expectations of women and ideas of his relationship to the rest of the world. The experience really messed with me. I lost a lot of autonomy, self-respect, and ability to trust people to say what they mean/mean what they say. We were only officially together for about eight months but it took two years for me to actually feel able to take the plunge and get to know someone on that level again. Whether I wanted to was another question. I'm open to it, but in these two years I've also determined that my independence is worth more than 99% of prospective relationships. I just have a lot that I want to pursue and accomplish and I'm not super willing to compromise much for a another person...Maybe that sounds selfish, or maybe that's just the woman in me talking who's been conditioned to think she can't put her own interests first. Regardless, I knew anyone I was going to seriously date needed to not just be a great person I enjoyed being with, our hopes and dreams and ambitions needed to line up enough that I wouldn't feel like I was sacrificing a lot to be with them.So it was bizarrely serendipitous that almost immediately after I consciously started "looking," I ran into and reconnected with this man I had actually known just prior to my last relationship. At that time we had been colleagues and weren't super close. I didn't know much about him and I'd certainly never considered him as someone I would date, just because I tend to kind of compartmentalize my life that way. The second time around, we really hit it off. I realized I find him extremely attractive and we also share a LOT in common, both more superficially and in terms of personal philosophy, life goals, etc. In short, he felt like that 1% of people compelling enough for me to not just enjoy his company, but within a couple of weeks, I really wanted more. It felt like he was on the same page. He was honestly doing most of the initiating and seemed to be bending over backwards to impress me. A lot of times I find that sort of annoying but he seemed to understand me better than a lot of people I've known for years and always knew exactly what to say and do that would take my breath away. It wasn't long before both of us had dropped all pretense and were being very open about how excited we were about seeing each other and about what was happening. Then, about three weeks into this, I ended up staying the night.It started out with just talking, and that was the first time I ever got nervous because he described how six months ago he actually broke up with a girlfriend of a bit over three years. He had thought they "worked really well together" and he thought he was going to marry her, but she was going through a lot and ultimately didn't feel the same way about him anymore. He told me about how devastating this year has been for him, between that and the pandemic just feeling really alone and confused because something that was going so well and that he worked so hard at just didn't work out. We ended up talking about my last relationship as well and the struggles I've had since with trust and intimacy. I hadn't expected to have sex; I actually hadn't even expected to stay the night initially, but it got so late and the emotional intimacy was so profound and as they say, one thing led to another. It was the most beautiful experience of intimacy I have ever known. I've never been so unafraid, felt so beautiful or so seen. Everything about this just felt right. But I couldn't help but keep thinking about those six months. It had taken me TWO YEARS to recover from a relationship far less involved than it sounds like his had been. This didn't feel like a good sign. Sure enough, two days later he sent me a novel of a text message. Apologizing profusely for dragging me into this, saying how he had thought that he was ready and on a cognitive level wants to feel love for me, that it's making him feel physically ill that he can't and he just didn't know how much hurt he still had left from his past relationship that he needs to deal with before he can engage in sexual intimacy and committed relationships again. He wants to keep spending time together and/or talking, says he really enjoys my company, and even some elements of physical intimacy are okay with him if they are with me, just not sex. He says he's terrified that he's not sure he still has the capacity to feel love that way again, which I think is just a matter of him having had only the one serious relationship in his lifetime and needing time to learn how recovering from that feels/works. He feels really guilty because he can see that we're in really different places and he "can't feel love" for me now and "can't promise that [he] will" which...like, duh. That's how all romance is as some level. We can never promise someone that we're always going to feel a certain way. It's okay. It's a risk we decide to take for people who seem worth it.I see a lot of myself in him and the way he's reacting to that numbness even though our breakups were extremely different. We're both fairly cerebral people and I remember the frustration of wanting to be able to decide that I was ready and over it but having my feelings not cooperate. I know he's going to get through it, but I just don't know the right thing to do in the moment. On one hand, I care deeply about him and I want to just do whatever is going to be the most helpful for him--but I'm not even sure what that is! Is my being around helpful? Maybe it's more of an emotional crutch that would prevent him from addressing the things he needs to deal with? And on the other hand, as much as I want to say I would be fine with just being his friend...It's not what I would prefer. I WOULD be "fine," I've gotten much better at identifying and enforcing my own boundaries since my last relationship so I could be his friend without it hurting me too much, but I would really rather set myself up so that I'm poised to still be an option if and when he is back on the market for a romantic relationship. I have no idea what level of closeness or lack thereof would optimize those chances. Maybe being there for him while he figures this out would help. Or maybe if he sees me as a close friend for awhile and associates me with these uncomfortable feelings and this difficult healing process, it would kill the possibility of him ever seeing me that way. I'm so unused to feeling so completely at a loss as to what the right move is. I know all people are different and you can't predict how he will react to anything but I guess I'm just looking for perspectives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): [EDIT]: Typo corrections.
"Only because you've both exposed your vulnerabilities, you feel you've been victimized by past failed-relationships; and you place a lot of blame on the people who caused you pain."
"You'll pretend to be his friend; but subconsciously you will pine for a more intimate or romantic-connection to be made with him."
P.S.
I've neglected to mention, that some guys fresh out of breakups tend to hide their part that contributed to the breakup. They'll play on your sympathies to make you think they're innocent and betrayed. On either-side, you're both trading your one-sided stories. If you're going to become "friends;" then you're no longer dating. That leaves him free to spend time with you; while he's pursuing a reconciliation with her. He may not reveal this to you. Your feelings will become more attached by the day; then unexpectedly, he will announce a reconciliation! Otherwise, he will accept you as his consolation-prize, or second-choice; if his endeavor to reconcile with his ex fails. You don't deserve that!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): Please don't be offended by my frankness. All I see here is the typical way people establish a way to become friends with benefits. Sex happened way too soon!
You've done far too much fantasizing about how great a connection was there; before you even knew what was actually going-on for him emotionally. He was obviously rebounding. Men in that state of mind will use you as an emotional band-aid, or pain-killer; while he's sorting-out his raw feelings over his past broken-relationship. You didn't take heed to the fact that he had recently broke-up with someone; and even the least-experienced people know that it takes time to get-over a three-year relationship. Especially someone still not yet healed from one herself, that only lasted six months! You had an engaging-discussion about your past-relationships; but all that did was set the stage for sex, after you both exposed your vulnerabilities. You had a pity-party; then succumbed to the pressure of sexual-tension built-up between you.
I think the connection was founded mainly on sexual-tension; and two people who are caught-up the throws of emotion and drama leftover from the pain of failed-relationships. I think you might be inclined to be too "intense;" and it might help you if you could ease-up, and allow yourself to synchronize logic with your emotions. You are very young, and that's something you will learn to be a life-long effort. This is where it begins.
Emotion is based on feelings, and feelings don't always pay attention to red-flags or warning-signals. Emotions can make us impulsive or impetuous. We get caught-up in our emotions, and we'll build passion without guardrails. We'll sidestep our commonsense. You are allowing your past-relationship to victimize you; although you declare how strong you are, and how you're waging a war to overcome it. Keep-up the fight! Learn from your past, but don't let it hold you hostage to pain. Don't say you're not looking for a relationship; when your entire narrative says just the opposite. He wants you to put yourself on-hold, be a pretend-friend, or FWB; until he can find-out whether his ex will take him back or not. As the lyrics go in a song..."I'm not here for your entertainment!"
I think you want to let-go of your past, you say it; but you haven't quite convinced yourself you're really there. Two years is too long to be getting over a six-month relationship. If it was that traumatic, maybe counseling will help to rid you of any lingering side-effects or emotional-damage caused by that bad-relationship. If you can't shake it off alone, you'll leave yourself vulnerable and susceptible to a series of brief emotional-encounters with men that won't take root. Craving something real with a sense of urgency will not allow you to wait for sufficient emotional-attachment from your partner to be established; before rushing to seek comforting through sexual-intimacy. In general, women attach emotion to sex; and men don't necessarily equate or relate it to an expression of love and affection so quickly. There has to be a balance and fair exchange; and you have to take your time.
He could be just a friend; if the line wasn't crossed-over to sex. Now you're in a state of confusion; and one thing will always lead to another. Why? Only because you've both exposed your vulnerabilities, you feel you've been victimized by past failed-relationships; and you place a lot a blame on the people who caused you pain. You haven't forgiven them enough to allow yourselves to move on. You'll pretend to be his friend; but subconsciously you will pine for a more intimate or romantic-connection to made with him. You've already established your feelings in your mind, thus the long emotional-narrative telling us what you don't feel; but meaning totally the opposite of what you claim about yourself. You are lost and confused; and you still empower the guy who hurt you with control over your feelings. This guy may share things in-common; but he's going to mess with your head. I don't think friendship is what you're looking for anyway. Don't frustrate yourself accepting things under his terms and conditions. I suggest you write this off and move on. Allow yourself time to heal from the leftover-trauma; and maybe get some counseling therapy for a brief period, just to deal with those stubborn-demons that nag at your psyche and hold you hostage to the past.
As for him, he's not ready. He will intentionally, or unintentionally, manipulate your feelings. He's not going to forget how good the sex was; but he will try as often as he can to see if you will submit without any strings attached. You might be offended, but getting past your emotions to engage your sense of logic is my only intention. Not to insult your intelligence or hurt your feelings.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2020): OP, I am a man, and I have to tell you that I agree with Honey Pie, completely, right down to not informing him that you will wait for a time, to see if he may be ready to date you, in 6mo or so! Even though I am a male, if/when you two do begin dating, NO sex NO sleepovers for 3mo or until you are certain that he is all in, for you, and that you feel the same way, for him! Seriously, I pray that this will work out, for your good! It breaks my heart, when abuse occurs, and you deserve good things to come! Blessings OP!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 July 2020):
 I would tell him:" I understand how you feel, I have been there myself however, I don't want to be "friends" and I don't want to sit on a "shelf" while you get over your ex and go though your emotions of your break up."
"While I find you and I seem to be in the same book we are not on the same page. So I will wish you well, but I don't think it would be healthy or fair for ME to "wait around" for you to find your footing. It can be 6 months from now or 2 years from now."
(Remember, OP? it took you 2 years to process a break up of a much shorter lived unhealthy relationship?)
And then you REMOVE him from ALL social media, either block or delete (or both) his number.
The reason I give you this advice (instead of saying hang around be "friends" and wait) is this:
He is FAR more likely to be your friend and DUMP you as a friend, then DATE someone else when he had processed his break up. You would be the REBOUND support person. Someone he will want to distance himself from when he is OVER the ex. Because you saw him at his weakest. (so to speak). I have seen that scenario play out a million times.
If you distance yourself now, HE can work on processing his feeling for the break up, and maybe MISS you enough to realize that HE let a GREAT one slip by.(you) Which in turn might help him move forward faster.
Either way, NO great loss to you. Or I would say the emotional "damage" is FAR less than if you stick around and he dumps you as a friend to date someone else.
Now you CAN give him 6 months (without telling him) where you do not ACTIVELY go looking for someone new. And IF he has actually processed his break up MAYBE you two can do a SLOW reconnecting (no sex for a good 3-4 months) no sleep over, just dates and hang out.
If he doesn't...... - you KNOW that you CAN find someone who CAN be a good fit for you. You found on in your FIRST try, so your "spider senses" for finding a "mate/partner" is ON point! Just next time, hold of on the sex until you have decided (both of you ) that you want to BE a couple. And anyone fairly fresh out of a relationship will need longer before sex and intimacy. It will save you some heart ache.
Chin up, OP
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): If you can take the good from this it has surely got to be that you felt totally connected and spent a wonderful night together.
However the immediate kickback is that it was unplanned and he totally withdrew romantically from you because he wasn't ready.
I would probably say that you should withdraw yourself romantically and physically from him and also withdraw the elements of friendship.
I suggest this because any future friendship would be ambiguous and he has already done a complete 180°turn away from what you would have wanted.
Had he wanted more he would have let you know.
So how you burn your bridges is up to you.
You could send him an understanding text and then delete his number.
Don't be tempted to keep a cerebral friendship going.
Consider that you've already had the best of what was on offer and promise yourself the you are not looking for any more beautiful nights of romance just because it got late and you stopped over.
Make sure your next romantic interest works hard to deserve your company.
He will want to come back to you again.
But I think you should see yourself as a bit let down, maybe even a tad annoyed (even if you in fact feel very understanding).
It is very bad manners to have sex with a woman who ended up feeling close enough to allow it and then to send a text (no matter how long) making it clear that it was all over and done because the time was wrong.
So I would suggest you don't hold his hands on this.
I would thank him and kick him in the balls (metaphorically) by curtailing all contact and tell him he misled you.
That way he might learn to feel something and not treat you as if he is a romantic revolving door because as understanding as you are you have feelings too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2020): This will NOT end well for you OP.
You are setting yourself up for heartbreak. This guy is an idiot.
He is not over his last relationship and will not be any time soon.
NO - you should not be his ‘friend’. That’s his way of using you for attention while he is struggling with his breakup. He will not magically decide that because you have ‘been there for him’, that you are his perfect woman. He will take you for granted and end up resenting you. He will eventually feel like you are trying to ‘push him for something more’ - even if you don’t. YOU will get blamed for all of this. He will see you as WEAK for letting him use you (which is what he is and will continue doing).
You will become a pathetic, desperate woman in his eyes that he would
NEVER want a relationship with. Waiting for him aswell will show him that your life revolves around him and that you don’t value yourself or have ANY independence.
Trust me OP - he will NOT change his mind about you.
You are infatuated. You have not been seeing each other long enough for you to decide that you will be perfect for each other. I bet your feelings for him deepened when he told you he didn’t want a relationship with you at the minute. You want him more because he doesn’t want you.
I’m sorry to say OP. But he will NEVER want you. He will use you for as long as you let him, spit you out when he is bored with you and blame EVERYTHING on you.
You cannot help him get over his last relationship. He has to do that on his own. I’m telling you now OP he WILL resent you if you try.
Ignore the things he is saying to you at the minute about how much he enjoys seeing you. It’s not you he enjoys. It’s the distraction from his feelings for his ex that he enjoys. It’s the sex he enjoys. It’s the ego boost he gets from spending time with someone who so DESPERATELY wants him that he enjoys. He will tire of all that eventually.
Work on your self esteem lovely. Ditch this man. DO NOT have any contact with him. DO NOT be his ‘friend’. DO NOT wait for him.
Find a man that’s available. THIS man will NEVER be.
Try not to get too attached to a man this SOON. DONT have sex with a man after 3 weeks. DONT make a man your life
Ditch him
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