A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:The man I thought was the love of my life just informed me that when I visited him in his home town I embarrassed him because of my outfit because, he says , it was way too short I feel totally embarrassed . I'm in my 40s and somewhat chubby but at the time I felt comfortable with what I was wearing in the place we were and it's wasn't anything that bizarre . Other women wore far less both my age and younger and he seemed to have no issue with them . I'm thinking that maybe it's more a matter of him thinking I looked stupid cause I couldn't pull it off like other women It was just a pair of shorts and t shirt but he says way over the top.Now I'm left feeling policed and like he doesn't like my body.What do people think Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2017): The last poster said he does not think this is a problem?Men and Women are so different.As a woman I say yes this is a real big problem.He chose her the way she was.She should not change who she is just because of a hometown visit.If he is embarrassed of her why did he choose her? She feels policed because she is.That is the start of abusive behavior and yes that is for sure a big giant red flag. What will he control next? Her friends?Her money?Her life? If he really loved her he would accept her the way she is.She needs to trust her gut and get out now for the policeing will get worse.A lover should never ever treat their love like this.And like the other poster said you are not a Barbie you are a human...a human that deserves respect.
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it +, writes (14 July 2017):
It seems as though he has no issue with the way you dress when you are outside his hometown, just when you are among his friends and relatives. He is reacting not to you but to the expectations of those he's grown up with. They are obviously a judgmental lot and he is afraid what they will think of him if the one he is with doesn't conform to their norms.
There's no need to have this event make you feel bad about yourself. In the future, you should dress according to the norms of the hometown. If that seems like giving in to them, I'm reminded that polite westerners do not wear shorts when visiting a mosque in Egypt, even if they disagree with the religion and customs.
I wish that he was a little more accepting of this situation, but I do not see this as being such a big problem as some of the other Aunts have suggested.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2017): This is a huge red flag. Do not put yourself down....I really think he was afraid that someone might think you are hot and probably no other guy should ever look at you. Your self esteem already sounds like it is damaged by him.And you feel policed because you are.Can you really live like that? Leave leave leave like yesterday...please.Then get some help to get your self esteem back and so you do not pick a abuser again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2017): You are probably feeling insecure deep down inside and need male validation. You probably feel this guy is the best you can get. Maybe even put him on a pedestal. You latched onto the wrong male because he is a male, after all. And any guy is better than no guy, am I correct? So, you are hoping this man will prop up your poor self image and lack of self esteem by making you feel loved and accepted for who you are. Things you may not feel by yourself. But in seeking that acceptance, you are constantly up against a brick wall and a man who will continue to demean you no matter what you do. You are measuring your self worth on what he says and does. You are giving his opinions, treatment of you, and the coveted place he has in your life way too much importance and precedence. You are a vulnerable woman in some way, and you hooked up with a jerk, who KNOWS you are vulnerable and uses it to manipulate you. So that he can feel superior and in control. He knows he can. He knows you let him. He's got issues of his own to be behaving in such a mean, cruel manner. It's not your job to fix him or love him enough that he will magically be fixed. You, or no other person, is going to change this guy. No amount of love, or attention, or being PERFECT is going to win this guy over. You need to realize this first. I will bet he is this way with all women and any girlfriend of his would suffer the very same fate as you. Because the guy is broken and defective. He turns around his defectiveness on you, and makes you feel like you are defective and so the vicious cycle continues.Perhaps you don't feel so good about your body or have as much confidence as you'd like and you decided to hang onto a guy who is not worthy of you because you like the "idea" of having a boyfriend. Having a boyfriend is validation itself. You may take this treatment because you feel that at least you have a boyfriend and are getting something out of this.He is likely a charmer and perhaps even has narcissistic tendencies. He seems to get off on putting you down. He does appear weak and insecure himself because he is deliberately trying to bring you down without any regard for your feelings. He has no love for you. Nor respect. The relationship is very lop sided, in his favour.His charm has hooked you and now you are seeing his DARK side. The REAL man behind the mask. I always liken it to sleeping with a King Cobra. It's dangerous because you are always going to be on guard for WHEN it bites and kills you. This guy is on that path. You are allowing him to do it. Remember this. Nobody has power over you unless you give them that power. You are in charge of yourself, your actions and the boundaries you set for yourself. Never relinquish that power to somebody who is going to use it and abuse it.Let me guess. If he says something stupid or thoughtless and you call him on it, he apologizes? He smooth's it over and once the dust settles, he will take another jab at you? That is an emotional abuser. There is cycle of being mean and then nice and then mean again. They are mean because that is who they are. Nice because they realize they've got to keep you hooked but then mean again. It throws you off balance and it's their way of manipulating you. Make you question yourself and why you are not worthy of love. So they have you begging them and chasing them for affection constantly. And whatever "love" or "affection" they give you is an act. It is just a surface appeasement so that they can go for the kill later, which is to knock you down again. They are weakening you so that they can control you. They are punishing you like a dog that pees on a carpet and their nose is rubbed in the urine. I would not be surprised at all if this guy was also passive aggressive. Ignores you when you do something he doesn't like, until you go begging him for his attention and apologize for your "wrong" actions. They weren't wrong. They just weren't what he wanted you to do, which would relinquish his control over you. Not that you know what he is trying to do, cut him off.The moment he put you down that way, was the last straw.Do not give him a chance to continue making you HIS PUPPET!Love of your life? I think you need to raise your standards, sweet heart. YOU CAN DO BETTER!It is better to be alone than with a man who makes you FEEL alone AND worthless!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (12 July 2017):
 If your appearance/clothing was that important to him, it would have been nice if he had told you in advance. If he realized that you didn't have perhaps what he thought was "appropriate" clothing then he could have sweetly suggested taking you shopping and bought you something. That's what a thoughtful caring man would have done.
Your guy sounds like a jerk to be frank. You are a little bit younger than me and let me tell you sweets...at my age I would NEVER allow a man to talk to me the way he did or try to make me feel badly about myself. To me, this is a no brainer..I'd walk. He handled the whole situation incorrectly and didn't seem to care. Who needs that kind of man in their life?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 July 2017):
 Ahhh, this one is easy to point out.
The guy knows how you dress. He knows your fashion sense. He knows who you are and how you present yourself. He started seeing you based on this as well as other things.
Unfortunately, the change in how he perceived you was when you visited his hometown, presumably to see his family and friends, right??
So what would make the "love of your life", who dazzled your heart and had such a wonderful thing going with you suddenly do a 180 and say these ridiculous things??
It's because his FAMILY said things about you. Is he a "momma's boy"? Or a "daddy's boy?" Moms and dads and sisters and brothers can be cruel, when a son brings his girlfriend home to meet the family, and they bash her looks, or mannerisms, or they just simply are mean and take out their own crap on you. In this case, it's NOT you. It's their cruelty, and it's your boyfriend's spineless cruelty.
You have just encountered some dealbreaking baggage. He's going to treat you like this because his mom or his dad bashed you to the family, and there could be a strong matriarch/patriarch dynamic going on.
It's not because of your weight or age. As you said, other women pulled it off, and you weren't naked. Parents can be body shamers when it comes to prospective mates for their children, and it's not right.
He should have stood up for you, and the fact that he didn't, but he instead joined in on their cruelty tells the entire story. He is a worthless, no-good, disgusting, pig who has embarrassed himself and his family by his treatment of you.
Get out of this while you can. It only gets worse, and you can't win over a cruel, intolerant family like this.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 IF he polices you in other areas of your life, then you have a sign of things to come. However if it's just your wardrobe malfunction for this hometown occasion I wouldn't blow it out of proportion and call the Divorce Lawyers just yet.
Firstly are you happy with your own body image as that’s more important? Did he scold you publicly or in private?
I can only imagine a chubby person (as you say) wearing your outfit would perhaps drawn unwanted attention/comments that he couldn't deal with and was poorly abrupt to you. He did not consider your feelings and you needed to firmly point out his inappropriate manner, not sulk!?
While it's good to feel comfortable I do consider what I'm wearing; is it flattering to my figure, can I pull it off without looking the Michelin Man logo as that’s how I feel at times. Other days I don’t give a rats how I look feral (in public). But when I visit I know what’s appropriate to wear for myself and for my partner who is proud of me.
Example; I swear if I don’t lay out the clothes I want my man to wear for certain casual occasions; he’d select football jerseys everywhere we go, the same USED underwear, the same jeans he’s worn for the week, when there are clean clothes to be had!
Would I be embarrassed of him wearing stinky cloths that would reflect on me among strangers or friends, I’m not going to find out :) Of course he’d be comfortable but that wouldn’t pull it off for me. He likes me to look good as I do of him. How others dress is perfectly fine, because I’m not walking hand in hand with those guys. Others do not matter, only the person I’m with.
Now what you could have done with numb-skull BF was to drag his sorry arse into every Boutique and tell him to put his money where his mouth is!? If he doesn’t cough up the goods he needs to shut it and pull his head in? Had he publicly embarrassed you I’d be rethinking your love for him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): Such a cold and cruel delivery says much about this man's character and disregard for your feelings. Perhaps you've made him the love of your life prematurely. How long have you known him?
"What's too short or too small depends on what shows when you reach-up or bend-over." Gramma's rule!
I think you're being hard on yourself by allowing his words to penetrate your feelings so deeply. You should consider the source. A kind and considerate man would never use hurtful words to describe or admonish someone he loves and respects. Only someone who wants to control you and gain dominance through diminishing your self-esteem. Using insults and verbal-abuse as his chosen weapon.
Now you can reassess your feelings and decide if they are warranted for a man who can cut you in such a way. You also have to have the backbone to stand-up and correct someone who would insult you like that. You can't place your self-esteem in the hands of others, that belongs to you! If you allow people to walk over you, they will never hesitate to do so.
You should have informed him on the spot you neither deserve nor wish to ever be spoken to in that manner again. It's not too late to sit him down and read him the riot-act. To let him know this is not how it will be.
You can't walk around in this world feeling ashamed of your weight; or placing your self-worth as a woman on your appearance. Nor should you ever knuckle-under to the unsolicited-criticism of others.
The world can be cruel. You have your place in it. Don't throw your self-esteem at the mercy of other people. That is weakness. You have a choice about that.
You will encounter it again and again, and you may as well harden yourself to it. You also have to set boundaries and rules for how you are to be treated and spoken to by men. It's not being bitchy, and it will only scare off those men who are bad for you. You never really have to go there with a good man. A good man will respect boundaries set by his own solid character and respect for women.
Place no man on a pedestal. Do not set his thoughts and opinions above yours. What he says to you and how he says it tells you how he feels about you; and establishes his level of respect for you, as a person and a woman. If you were falling-down drunk, obnoxious to people, or behaved badly; then he would have reason to be angry and express his disappointment. Even then, verbal-abuse is not an option!
He became aware of your style when he first met you. From here on out, if a guy doesn't like how you dress; then know enough to evaluate him based on how he tells you. You have to be pretty damned close to a guy to allow him to tell you how he feels about the way you dress. If he offers good suggestions, it's up to you to accept or reject them. He can go about his business if your choices displease him. You're a grown-woman.
If the invitation to an event calls for a certain dress-code, it's up to you to chose the attire appropriate for the occasion. If it's casual, you dress with dignity and for comfort; but respectful to your hosts and their home. You are an adult and able to make these decisions; without the dictatorial instructions from your boyfriend.
Be ever mindful you would never dress like a "hoochie mama" or over-casual meeting his parents for the first time. Their impression of you is important. A guy would definitely go out of his mind under those circumstances.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 July 2017):
 Since when is it his job to decide what YOU can and can not wear?
Now I get that you want your partner to look the best when you introduce them to people you care about because first impressions matters. But to single you out and tell you that you embarrassed him? Really? I would tell him that HIS double standard and reaction embarrass you. Where is the love?
I also think it's a sign of what's to come. Controlling behavior.
By SHAMING you for your clothing choice he thinks he can control what you wear in the future.
I would tell him honestly to go kick rocks. Let's say for argument's sake that it wasn't the most flattering outfit on you. SO WHAT? What YOU choose to wear or NOT wear doesn't REFLECT on him. Nor does HIS outfit reflect on you.
I'd take this as a red flag. If you keep seeing him, more will probably crop up pertaining to demeaning YOU and criticizing and trying to control you.
How long have you been seeing him?
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (11 July 2017):
 How long have you been with him? Surely he has had time enough to see you in most wardrobe configurations?
If I were you I would give him the cold shoulder. I mean, when did he become a paid-up member of the style police?
When you choose someone it is the whole package. If he doesn't like it then he knows where he can go.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2017): I think your boyfriend is a jerk. Sorry, you say you love him, and I have no doubt he has his charming qualities. But he is also a jerk. This was a shitty thing to say. A quality partner who loves you will be proud of you and accepting of you, and never feel embarrassed. If he wants a show piece, then let him go find some brain dead blow-up doll. You're a human, not a Barbie that he gets to dress up and show off like some object.
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